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Hi We had a birth child after adopting. She is now 9, our AC are 22 and 19. I cannot recommend it as a way of doing adoption, living with two traumatised adoptees with a young baby was tough- most families aren't protecting one from another like we had to do with ours. It's not ideal but we were where we were and managed as best we could with extreme challenges.

Hi pear tree thanks for your response. Was your bc planned? Our Los didn't come to us with any attachment issues etc luckily as they weren't exposed to bf and had an excellent fc although obviously they have had some loss. A friend of ours adopted a few years ago and is now expecting having gone through iui to extend their family. We would potentially like a bigger family in the future but we had a really bad time with ss and aren't sure whether or what to do so I was wondering if somebody could share their experience with us. Thanks!

Ooh, interesting one... I have my month old unexpected birth baby asleep on me right now. Adopted bigger ones asleep upstairs. Ours two do have 'issues', plenty of them! Hopefully yours won't, but you never know what or when things might crop up. Would I have 'chosen' to have more children..? Well, yes, in a different life, but no way with our two children. Pregnancy with tiny one was very anxious.

sorry! Someone woke up and I hit submit too soon! point being, we are where we are. Tiny is a real blessing. Time will tell what effect this will all have. I'm sure there will be positives and negatives. Much more I could say, but very early days! TML

There's been some positives I'd say having pip, I'm so glad we had her and she was a blessed surprise. I was pretty unwell at the end off the prg and when the baby came we both spent time in hospital. The family helped us and we made the arrival of baby as much 'we are all having a baby' as possible. My older ones liked to help and really got an awful lot out of the baby toys. They did learn how to care for a baby appropriately. BUT the acting out massively increased with having a baby. It felt a big set of threats to them and their anxiety, rejection and controlling driven behaviours really bit. PTSD type reactions plus almighty wobblers was traumatic. Both me and mr pt have started to make a new life with young pip. She's been through a lot more than most kids her age. It's not the sort of thing you'd choose to put a child through and I find the guilt around that tough going personally. I'm not too sure how old your lo are but I'd humbly suggest that they will have iffy attachments because of those massive catastrophic early losses apart from their epigentics profile. These things may be a mild background point at this stage in life from your perspective but personally I would think these things will bite you all in future particularly with a new baby. SS take a dim view of having Bc after adoption. They ( imo mistakenly )think adopters give up on AC in favour of Bc. I think they are WRONG on this as the sheer bloody minded determined hanging on I see in blended families defies belief. AC do have to move often much younger than they otherwise would but really it's that trauma underlying things that makes family life too hard for them to manage safely. Maybe there are families that do this but I have met many families who have had Bc who held on and on really having held on too long to the detriment of everyone.

We were always under the impression that it really wasn't ideal but our friends had some unexplained infertility and their lo has been really well settled. It's hard not to be thrilled for them and has left us wondering whether we should explore this further at a later point. It's not for now but obviously my age will at some point be a consideration in the next 5+ years.

We had birth children then adopted. We felt under pressure to adopt and looking back were manipulated into through the use of counselling supplied by our agency. It had always been a dream of mine to adopt even after birth children. I'm picking up on your comment that you had a bad time with SS. We now strongly suspect important information was with held from us about our adopted daughter. If that is true and we had known we would never have brought her into our home. A different SS has been so gullible and unprofessional that they as well as daughter have played a massive role in ensuring we are very unlikely to have contact with daughter again. We are very fortunate that daughter hasn't driven one of our family members to suicide. I feel responsible for the huge damage she has done to our whole family. We are working through it but I imagine many people would not be able to. Based on my experience I would say never mix birth and adopted children. It was like parenting two different sets of children under one roof. It's like two different sets of animals being put together that need different types of care. I can't quite express how it feel, but hope that comment doesn't cause offence

As an adopted person myself I would also urge you not to underestimate the level of loss some adoptees feel

I don't know anything of your situation or details of your los but you obviously have at least 2. I would suggest that if they are very young currently you really do not know how things will pan out. Issues that young children have can look a lot like normal development (all toddlers are impulsive and become dysregulated easily, for example) and tend to be relatively easily managed through parenting techniques etc. As they get older things become clearer and your control as a parent decreases. Personally I think each adopted child requires a huge amount of parenting input over and above the norm and it can be hard even to balance the needs of just two children at times. We're 15 and 9 years in with our two and the jealousy they feel over the attention we give the other is still a fairly big issue here - they do get on ok compared to many, but there is massive rivalry very close to the surface that readily manifests itself. I'd advise you to enjoy the family you have, for a number of years at least.

I'm not convinced the lack of exposure to bps is an indicator of any future issues. Two of mine were removed at birth, placed as babies. One was diagnosed ASD at 7. One had little exposure to bps but still went on to collect two diagnoses. It's not just about what happens to a child after they're born. So much harm is caused whilst in utero and by their genetics. I know of families who combine birth and adopted children but it hadn't been easy and huge sacrifices have had to be made - home schooling, relationships breaking down etc. If your adopted children are still young then you just don't really know how things will pan out over the next few years. School can trigger all sorts of difficulties. Hormones. Puberty. Here, the diagnoses started arriving at 6 but school exclusions started a little way before that. The past 6 years have not been easy - dla x 2, statementing X 2, special education, camhs, paeds, therapy, and all sorts of appointments - and they're still ongoing. I guess there are families it can work for but I doubt it'll ever be straightforward.

Lots of doom and gloom here. Understand that some people have not had great experiences but this is not exclusive to having adopted children. We know plenty of families who have two or more birth kids and have similar issues that people may jump on if one of them was adopted (rivalry, educational needs, exhausted and stressed parents). That is the nature f having more than one child! The most important thing is that you feel that your family is ready and stable enough to add another member. Dealing with siblings is of course difficult and newborns come with their own set of worries that you may not have had to deal with with your first. I think there will always be horror stories but your story won't be the same as others because your family is different. Most important thing is to make the decision based on where your family/children are at currently, definitely important to take people's opinions into consideration but as I have found, no one knows your child/family likeness do! Good luck!!

Maybe you'd like to share how it's worked for you - having birth and adopted children, firefly? I get what you say in that all families, regardless of how children arrived, may have issues of one sort or another. Any child with additional needs - birth or adopted - can place a strain on a family. What we're saying is not don't do it, but - given that we don't know the ages of the children here - it might be better to wait a while. Of course, if the children are in late teens bad have sailed through life, then clearly they're issue free! However, if they're still young, it might just be better to wait and see a while. It's not about doom and gloom. OP asked for experiences. That's what she's being given. I do know families with both - quite a few - and I do know that there have been consequences. Some children can cope with a new arrival; others find it really difficult and things have fallen apart. Be open minded but be aware of the risks. How old are your children Turner?

Hi. We had a birth child after adopting - actually 7 months after our AD came to us. It wasn't ideal but it is what it is. I wouldn't change it - I love both my daughters. However our AD who came at 19 months having lived in one foster placement from birth has significant issues. She demands 90% of our time and attention which is exhausting. Our birth daughter is a dream in comparison and the difference in their ability to cope with life in general is huge. Our birth daughter is often on the receiving end of our AD's anger. Our home can go through days of stress if our AD isn't coping. Often our BD is sitting in her room in floods of tears with what is going on around her. There's no doubt she often has to just get on with things while we're dealing with her sister. Our BD is 9 and our AD is 11. On the positive side at times they're great company for each other and our BD is very kind and patient with her sister. Our AD's issues weren't apparent when she was young - they've got progressively worse as she's got older. She has no diagnosis of anything. I don't think there's a right or wrong to blending families. I just think you need to be confident that your AD are manageable. Having a small baby in the mix with two other children is hard anyhow, but if you're dealing with trauma issues in the middle of it, then it'll be fairly full on.

Think firefly is right BC can have issues. But in modern adoption there's significant trauma involved for all and that's impacting. Some have a bit of impact. Some significant. Some severe. It's therefore much more likely you will have children who have extra trauma related needs. My neighbour has a sister with awful mh issues. She's had heaps of troubles. So I know it's not only AC. But it is far more common in AC because of trauma but also the epigentics. It's no picnic. There's a lot to think about and I don't see anyone here saying they regret having a BC. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive but I find it hurtful when people say in ref to experienced, caring adopters who have been asked to share experiences get slammed for 'doom and gloom' by posters.

I'm completely with you peartree. As an adoptee (1960s, 6 weeks old when placed, loved by my birthmum but only allowed to be held by her for feeding) I have taken years coming to terms with just my separation from my birth mum( who I ideally refer to as my original mum). Before adoption I was not severely neglected. From a reunion with my birthmum I wouldn't say there was a history of mental illness. I'm pretty sure she didn't use drugs or alcohol while pregnant with me. Certainly my later siblings born from the same father don't appear to have any major problem psychologically. I have never been on antidepressants but have had an underlying sense of isolation, struggles with identity, a background sadness. I've never had a problem with addiction. I struggle at times with comfort eating but I'd attribute that to the stresses of raising 4 children then the added stress of what I now regard as a very complicated adopted daughter. I have got that much more under control in the last couple of years. I've done well educationally. I've raised birth children successfully and have a good marriage. I've given back to society. Just my experience of a " easy adoption" has not been within issues to resolve over a long period of time. Adopted daughter had experienced neglect and with hindsight possibly sexual abuse. By her own words she claimed to have seen things a child under 4 should not see. She has self harmed ( I never have ), she has lied and stolen compulsively ( I have never stolen apart from a biscuit from the tin from time to time, and then I felt appropriate guilt ). She doesn't have empathy. I have empathy and so do my other children. Despite us loving here she couldn't respond to love. My being an adoptee and atleast relating to some of her feelings wasn't enough to make her happy and balanced. The bits of therapy we got ( not specialised, " have a go" type therapy ) had no impact. We have been through a living hell the last few years. The "doom and gloom" phrase creates in me a sense of condemnation. It trivialises my experience. It pushes me and my family aside as if we don't matter. It makes me feel defective as if other adopters are living a Disney life because their dreams of family have come true. There have been some Disney moments along the way but it's ended up like a car crash and I have honesty tried to figure out what I did wrong . After a lot of soul searching I'd say I've made some mistakes but nothing major. I have concluded that daughter is completely beyond my help and any guilt for that is misplaced. If I had known back then what I know now I would not have adopted my daughter, despite still loving her. The fact is often adopters have very little idea of what they are really getting into and many later discover that information was withheld from them or that the confident SWs they trusted really don't know as much about the issues as first appeared. Personally I would love to see gloom and doom terminology absent here. Everyone should be able to tell it like it is from their experience wherever they are on the Disney- car crash spectrum. The best support I've had is validating and informative. It often comes when discussion can flow freely. Getting off my soap box now

Brilliantly put Nancy

Me too. I'm personally pretty insulted that someone who doesn't know me can describe my life as all doom and gloom. It's not. As others who know me 'in the flesh' can attest. Our lives are different, granted but actually we have a pretty good time and - so far, fingers crossed with a whole lot of input - we're not doing too badly. Three easy to place babies turned out to be three less than easy children to parent but they're now between 11 and 16, they're all in school, all at home, none in therapy right now and we're getting by, happily on the whole. Yes, two are ststemented, two are dx ASD, one is ADHD. One in special Ed, another hopefully joining him next year. Two on high rate Dla. I'm still a sahm. There's still plenty of time for it all to go txts up - I'm not naive - but I get really frustrated that my family could be described as doom and gloom. It's not. It's our reality and our normal.

I dont think any family is a disney fantasy if people were really honest. I have a bc with aspergers and believe me when he was a young child there were many carcrash moments ! I have also fostered for 13 yrs and am now adopting . Enough car crash moments to launch a mini series but i luv my life and wouldnt change it. I hope the likes of nancy and donatella do not feel judged or minimised on here because i admire them and all the others who work so hard to meet their childrens needs (and there are many of you out there). Thanks to all who share their stories and experiences on here i have found it so helpful over the years i have lurked on here.

well said Nancy. This issue comes up time and time again, doom and gloom, positive and negative, 'horror'' stories !! These are children we are talking about, My son has no where near the issues some adoptive children have but he has his fair share - ASD, learning difficulties, sensory issues, emotional issues. Yes its hard, yes its challenging, yes I'm shattered and a little bit stressed but he is also doing fabulously well in many areas of his life. Yes birth children can have these conditions, but its the added extras of trauma and loss which makes the difference with adoptive children. As Nancy says, using the language of doom and gloom, positive and negative, creates the idea that there is a perfect Disney adoption out there and that adopters might 'escape' the worst cases if only they did x and not y and hit on some magic formula Truth is its always a gamble, You might adopt a baby and its all ok. But it might not be. You might adopt an older child and be overwhelmed with issues. Or it might all be OK. You just don't know. All people here are doing it giving the benefit of experience, alerting people to issues they might not have considered. We don't want people going into adoption with their eyes blinkered. Personally I'm glad I read and took on board all the doom and gloom. At least I was aware of what might happen. At nearly 5 years in as an adoptive family there has been only one behaviour that I was not expecting, and when I raised that on a forum, lots of people had experienced the same. So all that doom and gloom prepared me. Doesn't make it any easier but at least I don't feel a complete failure as a mum because my son behaves they way he does. I've seen too many people go through disruptions because they thought they would be the ones who would escape it, they just weren't prepared and didn't understand what was happening. That's really what its all about. Being prepared for what might happen. Great if it doesn't. Just be aware that it might.