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I think many of your experiences would be valuable if you were to go ahead and adopt and there is nothing there that looks like a definite barrier at this stage. A few things to think about: your twins death is still quite recent, so SW may want you to take a little more time and/or have counselling whilst 6 cans a night is quite a lot, it sounds like it was a phase that has now past. Again SW may want to explore this more as if it was stress related, adopting can be stressful so they would want to know what you've learnt and how you would cope with stress in the future. adopting is very different to raising a birth child and most adopted children do come with a range of issues (do have a read through threads on here from current adopters to get an idea), so you will probably need to take a year out initially and may not be able to work as you do now - how would you manage? Self employment will probably mean no adoption leave/pay, so do you have savings? Are there ways you can reduce your outgoings? What about benefits? Support networks? Local resources? is your home suitable for a child? You are doing the right thing by contacting your local council and finding out more. Do go to an information evening. You can also contact other councils and voluntary adoption agencies in your area and go to their information evenings. The other thing to consider is fostering - different but a better option for some people.

Thanks for replying. The drinking just became a routine but was very easy to let go, no withdrawel and I found coffee worked just the same after a hard day, doc didnt think it was an issue either.... I regret seeing the doc now, didnt consider there would be consequences but its done. I don't have savings and I couldn't take a year out or even 6 months and this is a problem.... I'm self employed so no work, no money, unless I change jobs - I'm a dog walker and do well with it, good hours.. leave at 9am, home for 3. I live alone in a co owned 3 bedroom house in a lovely village. I own a third, my two siblings own the rest but I'm under no pressure to leave and hope to buy them out soon. So I have two spare bedrooms, a giant garden and again, its a lovely area. My bro had major mental health issues, at times it was so hard for me but I coped, my dad wasnt well either when he was younger, but I never bonded with him as my parents separated and he wasnt well enough to parent when he was younger. I expect issues in any adoption if I am applicable... gives me the jitters just thinking about it, about being rejected. I'm hoping council will contact me this week, they have already sent a pack out through the post, but its just very basic. I'm been reading the posts on here and watched some youtube videos, I'm also waiting on a book to arrive too.

not being able to take any time off work would be a significant barrier to adoption, you will need to find someway to manage time out from work for up to a year (or potentially more).

Hi, Good luck in your journey. Those very first steps are always hard ones. When you first express interest, a social worker will come and interview you to see if you can progress to stage one of assessment. Things to consider and research: Why do you want to adopt? Do you understand the needs and challenges that children from our care system present with?....much of your assessment will be spent learning about this. Important point: adoption is about finding parents for needy children and not the other way round. That should inform your entire journey. How strong is your support network? Or perhaps better, how adaptable and resilient are you in building a support network that you might need in the future. How extensive is your experience in looking after children? You might be asked to spent some time volunteering with child care etc. Do you have a room for a child at your home? How stable are your finances, and how much time can you take off work looking after a child? If you can provide satisfactory answers to these questions, you will probably progress to the next stages. The last stage involves some fairly intensive interviews about your personal life and emotional health. Think of it less as an interrogation but more as an honest journey you take with yourself to find out if adoption is right for you...it can be difficult and scary at times, but I think it needs to be. For us, it has been a hard journey, but hugely rewarding.

I would stop thinking in absolute terms about 'rejection'! There may be any number of reasons you're not accepted the first time, but you should be told those reasons and in most cases they are things that can be worked on. SW doesn't think you've dealt with your family issues? Get counselling and come back again in a year. Not enough childcare experience? Find a way of getting that experience and try again. Something you will need as an adopter is persistence and resilience. Look on it as a process rather than a one-off, and a process that should help you reach the point where you are ready to adopt. It may take time, but at 40 you are still young in adoption terms. One thing to plan for, as LOB says, is being able to take a substantial amount of time off. Do you need to go back into employment? Save up and have a plan with your clients for you to take the time off?

I think I can work on most things that may be seen as problematic but the time off is a biggie. I'd really have to find a new job which which would allow for adoption leave/pay. I'll see what SW says when the call this week, Childcare experience may be a difficult one too.

Those two are likely to be deal breakers tbh. If you can’t take any time off work, how do you envisage introductions, settling a child in, school runs, school holidays, inset days etc? You cannot have a child placed then go back to work immediately? How would you plan to support a child once placed? Experience? It’s highly likely that will be expected. What sort of age are you thinking about? How about cubs, scouts, contact centres etc? What experience do you currently have with children?

Thanks for replying... I have no experience with kids, this is something I'd have to get. Getting a new job isnt realistic as it wont pay what I'm getting and will be bottom of the ladder. I can only change my self employment so I can work at home which is a possibility for me.

But you’re still going to have to think about how a child will fit in. Or rather how you will accommodate the needs of a child. How will you manage introductions? Likely to be two weeks? Once a child is home? What happens then? You’re not simply going to be able to take that child dog walking with you. A family finder and your sw will expect you to be at home for st least six months - some want longer. Rather than simply say you can’t, what changes can you make to accommodate that expectation? A family finder won’t place a child with you if you intend to return to work immediately and use childcare, which anyway is horrendously expensive. So, how do you envisage what happens during intros and placement? What is your current support network like?

If you are getting plenty of business, why not think of becoming an employer, sub contract the actual work. A dog walking agency. Another thing that might be possible, if you need to keep working, is adopting an older school age child. Some agencies and LA's are fine with that, others are not. You would still need to take time off for intros , settling in, etc. Statutory adoption/Maternity pay is quite low (I presume you are paying self employed N.I. stamp) but you might get child tax credits, maybe adoption allowance from council if you are taking a child that is regarded as difficult to place due to age or disability. But also you will need to save hard to cover deficiencies in income during such periods. So not impossible but a lot to consider.

Hi I am a single adopter and have adopted twice. It’s great that you are researching and reading etc. I am happy to give any advice needed. You are more than welcome to message me. I received statutory adoption pay for my first adoption. There are child tax credits you can receive as before mentioned.

Hello I don't want to put a dampener on your hopes but I think that you need to be realistic and cautious. I am very sorry to hear about your twin brother's alcoholism and that he has now passed. It was good that he had you as his carer. I am all too aware of the problems of alcoholism. I adopted my children, a brother and sister, 26 years ago as a single adopter. They were aged 6 and 7. Both their birth parents were chronic alcoholics. My daughter has inherited an addictive personality. At the age of 14 she was abusing alcohol and solvents. She then settled down a lot and was working. She is now 32. Over the last year she has been suffering from alcoholic seizures and has been in and out of hospital. She has had brain scans and she has brain damage consistent with alcoholism. Her partner has been designated as her carer. Her future is pretty bleak. I have recently joined the support group Al Anon for the friends and family of alcoholics. Two mothers have lost daughters in their 20s and 30s to alcoholism. One mother lost twin daughters to the disease. You are probably aware that alcoholism runs in families. I do not think that you can dismiss the risk of alcoholism for yourself. You say that you were routinely drinking about 6 cans of beer every night at one point. This is way over the recommended number of alcohol units each week. The NHS guidelines state that 'men and women are advised not to drink more than 14 units a week on a regular basis' and '14 units is equivalent to 6 pints of average-strength beer or 10 small glasses of low-strength wine'. You were therefore drinking your total week's allowance of alcohol every night. Alcoholism tends to be a slippery slope starting with heavy drinking without noticeable adverse effects as the body builds up tolerance. You might find attending an Al Anon group helpful. Rather than downplaying the significance of your drinking pattern at that time, it would be good if you recognise the potential risks and ensure that you do not go down that path again. If you adopt as a single person life can be very hard, especially if your child turns out to suffer from conditions like ADHD, ASD and attachment disorder. It may be virtually impossible to find a babysitter or to have any sort of social life. Paradoxically it can also be the case that a single person may be matched with a more difficult to place child than a couple. You may be under a great deal of stress. It would be very easy to take comfort in a few drinks at the end of a hard day. (My downfall was comfort eating). It would be awful if an adopted child had a single parent who became an alcoholic. There is actually an interesting article about the children of alcoholics today: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-43861391 I wish you well, I really do. An alternative to adoption could be to do voluntary work of some sort such as befriending, visiting or mentoring. I am sure you would be much in demand in the light of your experience. Lily x

Hi I'm a single adopter, its tough, but lots of us manage it. It does sound though like you need to give some thought to the practicalities. Nothing is insurmountable, if you want it badly enough you will find a way to do it, but you may have to make some changes. I was 40 when I first started thinking about adoption, 42 when I applied, 46 when my son came home, in adoption terms you have plenty of time to make changes. Taking adoption leave will be non-negotiable as far as SWs are concerned. Remember adoption is a two part process, approval is one thing, getting a match is another. If SWs have lots of potential adopters willing and able to take a year off, you are at a severe disadvantage. My son was nearly 8 when he came home, I had 13 months off and I needed every last day of it. Both you and the child need that dedicated time to adjust and build the relationship. Don't underestimate the impact of a newly placed child on you, particularly the emotional toll. Have you given any thought to the age of the child you will be looking for and how you would manage life with a pre-school child or a school age child. If school age remember you still have to cover 13 weeks of school holidays, teacher training days and random snow days. Have you thought about childcare ( its very expensive). I had to change my job to make adoption work for me. I travelled a lot within my region, occasional overnight conferences, lots of very early starts. Completely unworkable. It also only paid statutory adoption pay which was not liveable on. I went back into the civil service. I don't particularly enjoy my job, but its convernient location, 10 minutes walk from home so no time consuming, miserable commute, family friendly and flexible. It also paid considerably more than the old job so going part time was an option. I work 23 hours over three days a week. My son has been home for 6 years. If I had to work full time I would but part time is a lot less stressful and I can usually manage to get all his appointments at school, therapy etc, on my non working days so it minimises the impact on my job. Adoption allowances are not easy to get these days, usually only for the so called hard to place children, but children with additional needs impact on your ability to work. You may eligible for tax credits, your child may be eligible for DLA, you will probably get child benefit. You need to factor all this in, but don't assume that you would get any of these benefits. SWs will make all sorts of demands on you. See them as a challenge and problem for which you need to find a solution. I'm afraid 'I can't do.. ..' doesn't get you very far in adoption world, particularly as a single adopter. You need to be resiliant and be able to find solutions.

Thanks for all the replies... I am not getting any hopes up, and have got a much better view of what to expect when the SW phones this week. Regarding my bro's alcoholism, my grandad had it, but my brother and I are two very different people, if it wasnt alcohol it would of been something else and I dont worry about myself turning to drink. I will have to change job, I like the idea of starting up my own web design company and could do that at home, I think that would be pretty ideal and even if adoption wasn't on the cards this is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. I don't fancy my chances but I'm still gonna go ahead and see what happens and give it a shot, all your comments have made me realise that if it does happen it wont be anytime soon anyway. Thanks

Lily makes some very good points, those point the sw is likely to make as well. Saying you are very different from your brother and not afraid to become dependent might not be the right answer. In my opinion your best bet would be to stop drinking all together. T total :-)

I think it might be useful to get some counselling - not just to deal with any vulnerabilities regarding drinking - but you have given over most of your life to be carer for your brother and are now considering doing the same for vulnerable children - nothing wrong with that and you have clearly a lot to offer - but counselling will give you a chance to explore its effect on you and make you all the stronger for when you do come to adopt- to go for counselling is seen as a strength not a weakness and many of us have done that. Also as somebody said above try to see it all as a process not pass / fail / acceptance / rejection - just look at the things you might need to do to get yourself ready and work on them. Do find out as much as you can in the meantime too - read and research - find suitable agencies - talk to them and go to information evenings. You will get there in the end if it is right for you - good luck!