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Hi, my situation is not exactly like yours as BD was quite a bit older that our AS he was 2half and she was 10 when he arrived! but we had similar fall out and went through exactly the same emotions that you are describing now.Also had been throught the wringer emotionally as the intros had broken down twice and we had nothing left with which to fight any of this. Our BD absolutley hated him being here and my husband especially had no bond at all until about 8/9 months in. Our AS is so stubborn and hates being told no too, my husband could never imagine loving him as much as BD. I'm not sure why we kept going, we dicussed disruption many times when we were at our wits end. I think we did because to send him back seemed almost unthinkable, we spent most of our time between a rock and a hard place. dammd if you do dammed if you don't! it started to change maybe 6/7 months in, my husband started to feel ok about not feeling the same love for him as BD and stopped comparing, which took the pressure off, ironically once that happened the bond started to grow for us both. BD has settled down once she realised our love for her was no less and now they fight like normal brother and sister, still drives us mad but not like before. Now we love him, we are a year in and only now have put the adoption papers in, we didnt do it till we were ready. What i'm trying to say is, you dont have to, do anything just plod on, you dont have to decide now, you dont have to love him like you BC, after all, if it was a BC you had just had, you would feel differently too. Its soo hard, you have no unconditional love to fall back on like a BC when he's playing up or testing you. Try and imagine how is feeling, whatever he shows he is so scared inside, this helped me to see him and his behaviour differently. I'm so glad now we struggled through it and believe me, i never thought at 3/4 months in we would feel this! take the pressure off and wait awhile, no hurry! good luck.

sorry forgot to make this point, though I'm sure you know it! 3 months is nothing, its not nearly long eough to know what you will feel. I wanted my old life back for maybe 6 months before i adjusted, he drove me nuts, i wanted to be anywhere where he wasnt, this is normal! i have a friend who adopted a little bit after us, she too felt all these emotions only now after 7 months does she feel anything approaching love. sorry to ramble, i just dont want you to jump too soon, be as sure as you can be, because i dont think you ever get over it, your family has changed forever, whether you carry on or not. But you will survive this whatever you decide to do.

Hi artymumI have private messaged you to offer support.With kind regardsBarbaraHelpline Adviser

Have PMed you.x

HiWe have BS who was 8 when we adopted ad 15 monthsWe discussed prior to adoption that we would approach it the same as having a BC - foreverI accept that some adopters get a huge shock with a child who needs more therapy than parents can give - a failing on the part of sw I thinkDo you think perhaps you are over thinking this. It took a long time for me to love ad in the way I love BS but I can honestly say I love them both equallyWhat I did feel from the start was a great responsibility for ad - she had been let down by everyone and I took the responsibility for her - do you feel this?Also remember, not everyone bonds immediately with their bc

I mean I love them equally now

I suppose my initial reaction to your post was first that 3 months is very early, and secondly that I feel differently about my birth daughter than I do about my adopted daughter and my adopted daughter has been with us for 6.5 years.When I look at my birth daughter I see me in her character and her interests, particularly as she gets older. My adopted daughter is a complex wee girl and most of the time I don't know what's going on in her head. She hides her feelings and doesn't verbalise them so I'm guessing a lot with her. The relationship isn't an easy-going relationship like it is with my birth daughter, and my adopted daughter is challenging too with her behaviours. In case this sounds too negative, she also is a wonderful, beautiful little girl and I'm so glad to be her mum and love her very much.BUT I suppose what I'm saying is, maybe your expectations of yourselves are too high. After three months you're not expected to love this little person like your birth child. You won't see yourselves in him yet and you're still figuring each other out. He too will be wary, grieving, anxious, finding his place in the family...I think it's OK to feel differently about your children, as long as you recognise that and work on the relationship. His attachment may always be wobbly because of his early start. It's hard to 'fix' attachment. No matter how good a parent you have been to your birth child, parenting a child that has experienced early trauma will always be different and at times difficult. You have to decide if you can accept the differences and keep on with it.My birth daughter (who is 5) seems to accept to some level my adopted daughter's behaviours and challenges. There are times when we do have to protect her from being hit but in general she loves her older sister and has ways of handling her that she has developed on her own.It's a different way of being a family but equally rewarding....Ceci

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. It does make me feel a bit better to know it's not unusual to feel this way. You're right 3 months isn't a long time. Just thought if things aren't going well it might be easier on both AS and BD to act quicker. Realise there would certainly be scars for us all either way. Will try to hang in there.

Also meant to say, during all preparity classes, we constantly asked to be pointed in the direction of other birth parents who wanted to adopt and despite there being another couple in our situation on the course our sw's said it was a rarity! Truly wish we had found these boards as a resource prior to placement.

Hello arty mumLovely nameHope you are managing to be arty still?That might help if you've stoppedI've got ac and then a bcSo the other way round to you but I really do know I love my children But they are all so differentI love them differentlyI found my relationship with bc developed very naturally and she wanted and responded to comfort and relationship simply as a baby and we moved forward together.With the ac they came as older children and that give and take wasn't there as they didn't have a lot of self to give.But my head said I would love themOver time my heart followed.It's not the same with acI don't know what your expectations were from your prep but here the prep won't warn you about any of this so these boards are a life line

Arty - Have a read of Dusty's post on the Discussion Board. It might help.

Hi artymum,This is my first post as well but everything you described is what I too am feeling. We're a few weeks behind you in terms of placement. Our lo is 17 months and there is nothing about him that I shouldn't love but I just don't. My DH can't understand why I don't have any feelings for him and TBH neither do I. I didn't expect the great rush if love I had with my BD but did hope to feel more than I do. Our a sw is pushing us to apply for the AO within the next few weeks but I don't feel ready for this but should I say that out loud? I'm sure we will continue with the AO but feel a bit rushed. Again can I say this or will it be frowned upon?Thanks for reading as not sure who else I could say all this to without being seen as a monster. Just feel I'm living a lie at the moment and just putting on a happy face when the family are around.

It is perfectly ok to feel like this, and it doesn't say anything at all about your character!Like Pear Tree, we did it the other way round, two adopted boys, then a birth child. So, for me, the surprise was how easily I bonded with the baby!For me, though maybe it isn't like this for everyone, it took time to love my adopted children. I remember calling my mum in tears because I couldn't love them theway they should be loved. They deserve to be someone's whole world. My mum told me that just wanting to love them was enough, and the rest would come in time.Then, when the baby came along, and the bond was so easy, I felt incredibly guilty. But, I've spoken to loads of people who felt guilty about having a baby, and worried about what that was doing to.their older children.Now you have the struggle of bonding with an adopted child, who may resist some of your overtures, plus the guilt of 'de-throning' your first child. It is going to be hard. But, I honestly believe the love will come in time.For now, try not to worry too much, and enjoy.the.good.moments.

Just to present another viewpoint. Both our children are adopted but we both found dd1 easy to bond with and I can't imagine loving a child more, but younger dd was very different. It just didn't come naturally for either DH or I, and our love grew over years, rather than months. I didn't like the feeling but just knew we were committed to being her parents - I never questioned that. Perhaps because both mine are adopted, the fact it felt different the second time was easier to accept, whereas for you it makes you wonder if adoption is wrong for you.I wondered if I would ever love dd2, but it did happen gradually. And dd1 was happy with having a sister so I guess that helped.Anyway, hope things are maybe going better now.

Thanks for your replies REM and Milly. I think things have got on top of me as I've had yet another throat infection this week and the Dr has diagnosed post viral syndrome which could take months to clear! The family has rallied round. So hopefully with a bit of time to myself and plenty of chance to rest, I should start to enjoy the lo more.TT