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Introductions no feelings for child

FamilyRodriguez April 15, 2019 23:04
Hi We started introductions 5 days ago and both myself and husband have started to feel less and less for the child I have got to the point I don't want him to come home with us tomorrow. He has done nothing wrong is very sweet but I have no Motherly feelings to him and bathing him tonight felt like a chore We have our review meeting tomorrow and I feel like an evil troll to voice how we feel but have been completely honest with our sw The introductions have been very intense and very quick which doesn't help but I am struggling to want to have any contact with the child and I am a very touchy feel person My question is has anyone else felt like this and what did they do should we continue or stop This is all wrapped in with the guilt for poor child being traumatised by us and everyone I know at work and home Congratulating us on our happy news and I feel nothing for our match we have waited for a year for and been trying for almost 3 to get to this point
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123 April 15, 2019 23:18
Remember you are strangers, and getting to know each other takes time. It's your commitment to the child that counts at thi stage, and often for quite a long while. Then one day you suddenly ( or gradually) realise your feelings have grown and you would do anything for them. Some folks here have described it as " fake it till you make it. I have to dash but hopefully some folks will be along who can advise better.
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fargum April 16, 2019 08:55
I think what you are describing is more common than not. And it’s true for many birth parents too. I blame the mythologising and romanticising of parenthood that is forced onto us by society. We spend so much time yearning for our fantasy child, expecting a love at first sight scenario, that it comes as a huge shock to us that all that is well, just fantasy. It’s quite natural to have all those parental urges..if we didn’t have them, we would have gone extinct a long time ago. But actual parenting is nothing like the expectation and it takes quite some time getting adjusted to it. Our journey through the matching process took several years. We transformed from being bright eyed and bushy tailed romantics to jaded, clinical cynics. When we did find our match, we took all emotion out of our choice...except perhaps for blind terror - which is, I expect what you’re feeling now (a perfectly natural response). In the end, for us, that was exactly the right approach. We were honest with ourselves about what we could manage, and we did not overburden ourselves with unrealistic expectations. Now, several years in, we couldn’t be happier. The truth is, real love and attachment takes a lot of time and hard work. It is never presented to you on a plate. Remember, you are strangers. You are both terrified. What you are doing is enormously stressful for everyone involved. It’s ok to be terrified. It wouldn’t be right if you weren’t. Now is a time for honesty with yourselves and reflection. Ignore all the expectations that friends and family have pushed onto you, and try to look beyond the fantasies you may have created for yourselves. For us, we had massive doubts and terrors. I am so, so glad we looked past these. Now, we have the family we didn’t even realise we always wanted and life is good, but hard work. All the best for your own journey
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Bigmrs April 16, 2019 09:01
I feel for you... I can’t really say whether this is right for you, but only give our own experiences... we had two weeks of introductions and at times felt excited, at other times complete dread and wondering what we had done. It can be hard to remember what attracted you to the child in the first place! They are probably not showing their best side either, as they must be feeling such a horrible mixture of things. Our son showed such challenging behaviour, and was so utterly different to our BC, that I did wonder what we were getting into. The day of taking him home was one of the worst days I (and he, probably) have experienced, he was completely controlling, panicky, aggressive. Again I truly wondered what we had done. Four years down the road, it is still challenging but we do love and like our little lad. But it did take a long time and a lot of faking it. Sheer joy during intros I think would be unlikely and unrealistic - perhaps leading to disappointment and a horrible bump to earth later on?? It is impossible to know what is normal dread at taking on this little stranger. Good luck and be kind to yourself... let us know how you get on and come back for support xx
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safia April 16, 2019 09:45
It may also be that you are picking up on his feelings which will be exaggerating yours. Do speak to your SW about it - and raise it at the meeting - they have all (probably) been through it all before and there may be things - slowing down introductions / change in activities - which may help reduce the pressure Good luck
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createamum April 16, 2019 09:47
Yes I remember it well, our AD was 7yo, with all the emotional and verbal ability of a five year old, I hated her, she spent all of our intros tellin me to leave or go home, she didn’t want or need me she just wanted my hubby. I was struggling to get any motivation to even hold a conversation with her, but I made sure we did something that was just the two of us each day we had her during intros. I also remembered someone saying fake it until you have it, so we had cuddles, kisses, snuggles on the sofa, lots of physical contact to make her feel safe. Now four and half years on, my favourite bits as the snuggles on the sofa, the watching movies together and I do love her, we still struggle but for a Merida of other reasons and not because I couldn’t love her at the beginning. Trust me in the first year I must of planned to disrupt the placement every other week, always in my head and never told another sole. Then one week I realised I hadn’t done that for a month, I realised I quite liked her!
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Serrakunda April 16, 2019 10:37
The only thing I would add to the excellent posts above is picking up on your point about bathing him feeling like a chore. A lot of parenting is a chore. Nobody really tells you that - its all motherhood and apple pie. Reality , its a never ending day in day out repeat cycle of cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, etc etc. And then the little blighters smile or giggle and you smile or giggle and you find the fun, good stuff that makes the rest of it worthwhile. Don't act in haste. Your life is forever changed now one way or another, it won't go back to before. We had several posters last year disrupt in the very early days and bitterly regretted their decision
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Ford Prefect April 16, 2019 11:05
If I were in your situation I’d be asking your SW for another week of intros. It is a two way process, which is often forgotten in the haste to move the child on. The last thing a SW wants is a disruption. For us the like/loathe response flashed from one to the other for the first couple of years but I think this is true of all parents even the ones where they have spent nine months patting a bump. How old is your child? I found the interaction with our slightly older children made them very easy to fall for. I often wonder how I would have felt about an non reactive baby with the same attachment styles.
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Donatella April 16, 2019 14:49
Hi. I wonder whether you’re comparing this experience to your experience when you had your birth child? Assuming the birth child is yours then the two situations are entirely different and a newborn, born to you, will be a very different kettle of fish to a child born to another mother, taken into care, suffered huge traumas both in utero and following birth. I appreciate all this is obvious but sometimes it isn’t actually real until that child is there in front of you. Very few adopters fall in love with their child at first sight. It can take weeks, months, years in some cases. The bond can be immediate or it can take a very long time. And it varies even with adopted children! No-one can tell you whether this is right or wrong. Only you and your family can make that decision. You don’t mention how your partner feels ... or your birth child? Do they feel the same? Have you talked about your feelings?
Edited 17/02/2021
Bigmrs April 16, 2019 19:52
Hope your day went ok FamilyRodriguez... I have been thinking of you and wishing you well whatever happens xx
Edited 17/02/2021


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