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My Very Special Girl

Wyx November 11, 2012 20:52
We just celebrated munchkin''s second birthday, and the first she''s spent with us.Two years ago I wouldn''t have believed this is where we would be now. The day our daughter was born was the day we had our last miscarriage, after the final cycle of IVF. We were obviously devastated, and made the instant decision that we wouldn''t try again, the physical and emotional toll it was taking on us had just got too much. Munchkin went home with her birth mother and we only know a little about the first six months of her life when she lived at home, none of it good. About the time that we made the decision to apply to adopt she was taken into foster care. Sadly, and her time in foster care was as harmful, if not more so, than the six months she spent at home with her birth mother, although this only became apparent when we finally met her. The eighteen months between losing our last baby and meeting munchkin were as heartbreaking as the previous years; desparately wanting our family, and still not knowing if or when it would happen. I''m sure if Social Services had known how difficult I found the assessment process, they would have seriously questioned our suitability to adopt at that point, or ever.When we found out about munchkin we thought she was what we were looking for. She sounded like a lovely little girl, and there was nothing known about her that meant she wasn''t right for us.When we met our baby she was eighteen months old and nothing like the little girl described to us by her Social Worker and Foster Carer. At times, she was delightful, but it became immediately obvious there was something very wrong in the foster carer''s home, and with the care she''d been receiving. The foster carer''s behaviour towards us made the introductions horrendous for munchkin. The honeymoon period we''d been told to expect didn''t happen. Some days she attacked me continually, and as I learned to manage this and hold her so she couldn''t hurt me, she started to hurt herself instead, but she never lost her temper. If she couldn''t hit or kick she bit, if she couldn''t bite, she headbutted, I was constantly covered in bruises from head to toe. She never seemed angry, just sullen, sulky, defiant, and fighting. It felt like she was trying to see how far she had to push me before I hit back. She constantly fought us for control. She would eat anything and everything she could find. She never cried when she fell, she never cried at night, but she was desparately unhappy. She slammed her fingers in the door, banged her head on things, bit herself, nipped herself, pulled her hair. She hated us changing her, dressing her, feeding her, taking care of her, and fought us doing it every step of the way. Some days she didn''t want any physical contact at all. She often wouldn''t talk us, although we know she could talk. I''ve never seen a child so scared and hostile. But then she''d be happy briefly, and we would see the wonderful little girl that was under all this. Funny, loveable, cheeky, and incredibly bright. It was like we''d see a little flash of the real baby girl under all this, which just made everything worthwhile. I just can''t believe how far our little baby has come in the last weeks and months. Things are by no means perfect and it''s going to be a long time before all the attachment and associated behaviour issues work themselves through, but she seems to be gradually starting to accept us as her parents. She''s nothing like the little girl described to us, but if she had been described to us, we''d have known she was the little girl we dreamed about having. A couple of months ago things started to get a bit better, and the last couple of weeks something just seems to have clicked. She''s got an incredible sense of fun and humour, she plays jokes on us, she loves music and will stop and dance whenever we hear any, no matter where we are, she goes to playgroup and gets up and sings, then runs back to me for cuddles when she''s happy. She falls over and cries, she has tantrums, and yes, there are still behaviour issues, but they come when she''s losing control of herself, not when she''s thought about it, and they''re a lot less frequent, and most of the time she''s actually incredibly well behaved for a toddler. She doesn''t often hurt herself deliberately. When she''s happy she has a brilliant grin and her pigtails bounce, and everyone knows she''s happy; her happy is infectious. She''s the kid that just seems to turn heads when we''re out. Other kids seem to be drawn to her. She sometimes settles, we get calm time together. She snuggles up and falls asleep on me, I can pick her up out her bed and she''ll snuggle back down and go back to sleep. We hide under blankets together and she rubs noses and plays games. We make a big mess with paint, or glue, or gloopy stuff, she touches hands with me, gently. She''s curious, inquisitive, she wants to be read to, she wants to learn to write. She''s stubborn as a mule, and wants to learn everything all at once. She wants to learn all the things I''ve always wanted to teach our children how to do. When she''s upset or scared, she wants us. When she''s happy, she wants us. I just can''t believe how lucky we''ve been and what an incredible daughter we have. All the years we waited and all the heartache along the way don''t matter a bit any more, I wouldn''t change anything about my life at all if I could. I wish I could have protected munchkin from all the things that happened before she came to us, but I can''t, no matter how angry it makes me sometimes. I just hope we can help her to make everything OK in the end, even if it does take a long time.Thank you, wonderful girl, for waiting for us.
Edited 17/02/2021
sooz November 11, 2012 21:00
A very special girlAnd a very special mummy!Xxxx
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Esty November 11, 2012 21:01
What an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing your journey. Esty
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ufferfly November 11, 2012 21:02
Oh wyx, you have made me cry This is a truly lovely post and I am so very happy for you. I couldn't read this and not reply.Much love,
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Serrakunda November 11, 2012 21:17
and a very special mummy and daddy toowhat an inspiring story
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Bottle123 November 11, 2012 21:28
What a beautiful post!!! I had happy warm tingles reading it & a slight moist eye!! Your happiness is so special.....beautiful!!
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oatybix November 11, 2012 21:29
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jmk November 11, 2012 21:34
Wow what a fab post. Please save a copy of this in her life story book for when she is older as I'm sure she would love to read it and feel the love you had for her even when she was pushing you away.At the risk of repeating myself, which I will keep on doing until we get it - Where is the "Positive Posts" Board? - This should be on there to give inspiration to others!!Mods - Please take note!!
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Sivier November 11, 2012 21:37
Ahhh - seems you are making wonderful progress with her. What a special little girl she sounds.
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lilyofthevalley November 11, 2012 21:51
What a lovely post!Lily x
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VML3M November 11, 2012 23:03
Wet keyboard here again........... really must try and find a tear-proof one!Nothing to add, amazingly open and honest post......lovely.
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Bottle123 November 11, 2012 23:12
Ah Mr VM....well done on sig change!! Tried Changing my username earlier but got got scared I may delete myself!!!
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Wyx November 12, 2012 13:26
Thank you for your kind words. I'm just feeling very emotional at the moment, and need to share with someone how wonderfully well our little girl is doing and how very proud I am of her. Sometimes I need to remind myself too. All we can do is take one day at a time, try not to screw up too much, and hope that at some point she will completely accept us and trust us, and be secure and happy. We're a very long way from there but it's starting to feel like we're a family now, and things are going in the right direction. The problems that are coming along are more like those we expected to have to cope with, and the good times massively outweigh the bad.Predictably, this morning has been a pretty bad one and she's been very unhappy a lot of the time, but I've just got her off to sleep for her nap and tucked her into bed, and I think it was mostly just tired and a come down for a hectic weekend with a lot of attention from visiting family. A day or two of normal routine should get her back to where we were a few days ago.
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jmk November 17, 2012 11:55
Thank you Com Mods - This is the kind of inspiring post that will help others who are struggling to not give up. Thanks for putting it on here so it doesn't get lost.
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