Edited 17/02/2021
Hi all, Domestic Abuse history worrying me...
5013R
August 10, 2018 13:04
Hi all I am currently still a prospective adopter, with the social worker due to complete their first visit in a week's time. I am single, 31, mother to a six-year-old. We live a stable, quiet and uneventful life now, however our history is complicated with a no contact order in place against his father, due to high risk Domestic Abuse. Thankfully, although I was abused through the pregnancy and felt unable to leave, as soon as my son was born and the first incident took place at three-weeks-old, I have always acted appropriately and can evidence myself as a protective mother in terms of steps taken to protect my son and I from his father. I pressed charges, he was convicted, we moved 100 miles away, I was resolute in family court and got the outcome my son needed to be safe etc. It obviously takes some time to stabilise after something like this but we are in a really good place, finally. My child is settled into school going into Year Two, accepting of our family unit as it is. During Reception Year, he had some play therapy and one to one support at school, he is a much more settled child now and is excelling academically and doing great in terms of communicating and attachment (he was desperately, desperately attached to me in his early years). For the past three years, I have worked full time in a strategic safeguarding role, specifically around domestic abuse, and work very closely with children's social care amongst other agencies. In terms of my plans to apply to adopt, I have a good insight because of this and my own experiences, but I know that I don't know everything. I actually first applied to adopt when I was 21 (!) which seems insane now but this is something I have always wanted to do. I had two wonderful SW who basically said, go and live your life, then come back. And here I am ten years later with some life experience indeed but the same feeling in my heart that I am meant to adopt. Is there anyone on here with an 'adverse' history such as this? Any advice? So far I have been 100% truthful about what happened and where the SW I am speaking to can get further info from our old LA as I really have nothing to hide and know the truth prevails, but the thought of this being a barrier just saddens me so much. Would love to hear other stories and particularly outcomes around this if there are any. Thank you x
safia
August 10, 2018 14:13
Actually it sounds as if you have made a really positive use of your very difficult experiences. I don't have this experience but my AD was severely injured by her birth dad at just 7 weeks of age whilst her parents were living in a domestic abuse situation and her birth mum was unable to even admit to this - she was later moved into a refuge but moved back - so well done for acting so decisively to protect your son. Going by your reply on the other thread - you are doing a brilliant job with your son in helping him develop a positive attitude to his situation too. Your choice of work shows you have worked through what happened and are using your experience positively - all these are positives from a SW point of view. Children in care often come from abusive backgrounds and even if it is not something they have experienced directly it can impact them greatly - and this could be triggering for you. Did you ever have any counselling yourself? This is something they might ask - and some might even require - so if you think it would be at all useful and you haven't had any it might be worth doing that. But don't let it stop you applying - you can be doing both concurrently.
Edited 17/02/2021
5013R
August 10, 2018 15:08
Hi Safia, thanks for your response and your kind words. I was really motivated by everything that happened to make something good of it, because I was very down for a long time. The job has changed my life and really helped me to come to terms with everything; I have definitely found my vocation. I have had counselling, I used to suffer from nightmares related directly to the last incident but I had Talking Therapy for 20 weeks which was very impactful, way beyond the Domestic Abuse in fact so I'm pleased that I did it. I will talk to the SW about this and let them know that I'm happy to further this if they want me to, but I think I have finally been able to close the door on a lot of the baggage that I was carrying around with me. A lot of it was misplaced guilt around my son not having the love I felt he needed/deserved from his father and I wonder if that's something adoptive parents may deal with sometimes in their own circumstances. Thanks again x
Edited 17/02/2021
ham
August 10, 2018 20:46
you also need to consider the impact on your son. how would he react and deal with any trauma he might suffer as the result of the behaviours from any adopted child. Dont underestimate the effect it could have on him . How would you/he deal with it? Would you feel bad about that. My bs son came unexpectedly after adoption and he suffered and missed out big time. SS even expected bs when he was 20 to have his AS live with him when she was really mentally unwell and totally unpredictable with her behaviours.
Edited 17/02/2021
Fruitcake
August 10, 2018 21:06
Your son will have a sense of loss concerning his father and this may be triggered by an adopted child and all his or her losses. Loss is a bit of a theme in adoption, despite the positives. While obviously a single parent can do a great job (and many adopters are single parents) I would imagine that you would be expected to examine the enduring losses both you are your son have experienced because of his father's violence and lack of parenting capacity, and asked to examine how resilient your son would be faced with the likely challenges amh refers to. Editing to add that I think it is fantastic how you have changed things around and you will of-course have a lot of insight and empathy with some of the children available for adoption.
Edited 17/02/2021
MummyDream
August 11, 2018 01:36
Message sent
Edited 17/02/2021
Maple21
August 13, 2018 15:55
I was previously in an abusive marriage and I was concerned that this would go against me if I applied to adopt. I was open and honest with what happened within my relationship and my adoption agency was very supportive and didn't see it as a problem. They did however send a reference to my ex husband but he never replied. It sounds like you have made positive steps to help yourself and your son so this can only go in your favour. They will probably want to delve into your past so just expect that's the process. They will also want to see that you have moved on emotionally which by the sounds of your email you have. Hope this helps a bit
Edited 17/02/2021
Ceci
August 20, 2018 22:52
Hi Laura. By now you've probably had your first visit. Hope it went well. I work in a DV support organisation. I would hope that the social worker assigned to you has a good understanding of how it's completely possible to move on from DV - and you've done that. There's only one thing that came to mind that you might need to think through a little bit for yourself, and that's control. As you know, abusive relationships are based on power and control, and many adopted children (mine included) will do anything to stay in control of themselves and those around them at any cost. It can be very hard to live with at times and might just be a trigger for you. Just a thought...
Edited 17/02/2021
Bop
August 21, 2018 09:52
I can't see it would be a barrier - if anything it would be a positive that you have survived and grown from the experience... and you would have a good understanding of some of the things adopted children have had to face. The only thing that might be worth thinking about is how you would feel if your child was violent towards you (or your birth son) - would it trigger your own trauma? Sadly there is a high incidence of child to parent violence in the world of adoption, so you would need to be sure you could handle it. Good luck with your journey x
Edited 17/02/2021
waterfalls
August 21, 2018 15:18
Hi there, I agree with Bop. In fact if i were you i would give yourself a couple of more years before thinking about adoption. your son is doing well because you have a quiet, stable and uneventful life now. All that will change with adoption believe me - it is not an easy route to go down. also you are only 31 - very young in adoption terms - i was 41 when my ad was placed - some 10 years ago. My advice, and i don't mean to offend - but i would leave it for another 9 - 10 years - let your little boy have his quiet life with you and grow up without adding any more trauma in his life. You have both been through so much and your strength of character and love for your son shines through your post. Adoption is such a massive risk - and one i wouldn't take at this stage if i were you. best wishes whatever you decide. xx
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123
August 21, 2018 19:21
I too would be for waiting as long as you can, ideally till your birth son is grown up. He is doing amazingly well for someone in his situation. The stress of bringing in an extra child, especially one who will one almost inevitably have "issues" could bring a host of problems and tip him into all sorts of problems/ behaviour. Generally advice to adopters anyway ,is to have as large a gap between birth child and adoptee as possible. For a number of reasons. You are in the fortunate position of being very young in adoption terms anyway. Most adopters are 40's and even 50's . I know you are keen to do this and mostly I would be for taking a gamble, but the extra trauma your son has faced is the thing that makes me say please wait if you can bear to.
Edited 17/02/2021
5013R
September 19, 2018 11:25
Hi all, thanks so much for all of your responses. Some great advice and I really appreciate all of your honesty. I had the initial assessment not long after my first post and was very honest about the situation explained above, their reservations were around ongoing risk and whether doing this would create any further risk to me son and I, and obviously to a prospective adopted child. Overall though, they were very supportive and saw the positives in the experience I can bring to the table because of it. They visited twice to iron a couple of things out and have now invited me on to the adoption preparation course. I have read the posts above around waiting and concerns about my son and, just being honest, it's so hard to know what to do for the best! I don't have a desire to be a mother to a young child in my 40s (no disrespect AT ALL to those who are in that space) and one of my biggest motivations is that I want my son to have a sibling and have 'someone', we are a small family and it just isn't what I wanted for either of us. I am aware as someone has said that I could be taking such a gamble for him, but equally we could have a positive adoption experience for all involved - I wish I had a crystal ball! I am really pleased that they've taken me forward into the next stage and have accepted this and want to progress, but obviously my priority is my son and I will share those concerns with our social worker. At this point in time I'm just in pleasant shock that it was a yes at this stage and I'm hopeful for the future. Thanks again all, I will stay in touch x
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella
September 19, 2018 13:37
I donât want to put a dampener on anything but be wary ...you say you want your son to have someone? Tread carefully. Itâs not a given that theyâll get along - some do, some donât. Regardless of age at placement itâs unlikely that an adopted child will be issue free so it may not be a regular sibling relationship. I have three - half sibs placed separately and a middly - and my half sibs really donât get along and her additional needs, as well as midddlyâs, have made life quite difficult for my eldest son. If you do it, do it because itâs what you want, warts and all. Donât do it to give your child a sibling. He may not thank you for it x
Edited 17/02/2021
5013R
September 21, 2018 14:59
Thanks Donatella, I appreciate the risks and the honesty from yourself and everyone about here about how significant they may become. If this was just about giving him a sibling there are far less stressful ways ;) this is definitely what I want and a challenge I want to take on, as you say warts and all x
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123
September 21, 2018 15:22
All the best then, well done for being prepared to ask hard questions and come to your own decision, and don't be afraid to come back if you need guidance, ideas or support in the future. You know you will get a broad range of ideas and thoughts on whatever comes up ! Meanwhile keep reading what you can here and there and enjoy the classes. Pingu
Edited 17/02/2021
Larsti
September 21, 2018 17:57
Yes Keep posting :-) I started typing a reply yesterday but it got deleted! Larsti (Mum of 3 BCs and and AS...no regrets but it has been tough!)
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella
September 22, 2018 13:29
Wonder how long itâll take the mods to spot this. Pfft
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123
September 22, 2018 13:31
I have just submitted a report on the spam ads
Edited 17/02/2021
Archived
This topic is archived. New posts are not allowed.
