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Hi,

I'm a prospective adopter so I speak not from experience, but perspective.

Foster carers kept the child who is now an adult. They were looking to foster long term then. Now that the carers are a bit older, it's not the right time for them to take on a youngster/they felt it would be better for son to go with another family. People don't take on young children, for 10 years, as they get older. If you're younger than the carers, this is an easy comparison to make. However, even if you're not younger than them, the fact that they took on a child many years ago doesn't mean it's right for them now. It's better he has parents who are looking for and ready for the whole journey.

They weren't right for that role now; they got him ready for a family that is. Tell him to keep his heart up! It'll take time for you get to know each other and build trust, just as it took time to get to know and trust the foster carers xx

Maguire is making a good point I think. You could just say that maybe they would have loved to keep him, but they were too old. You could even tell him there are rules which say adoptive parents should be no more than 45 years older than their adoptive child. Sometimes sw make an exception and adoptive parents can be a bit older, but not much.

I used to tell my then 5 and 6 year old children that their foster carer was a foster carer and they needed a new Mummy and Daddy. That worked well for us. It might be tricky in your situation with the fc keeping another child though.

You could point out that legally there is a difference. Even though fc refer to this child as their son, legally he isn't, while your son is your son. That means that sw will have been involved with that child until he left care and that there are many decisions fc could not make. I would explain that being adopted is usually easier for children than being in care and that a wise judge made the decision for him to be adopted.

Another thing is that the older foster son wasn’t lucky enough to find a forever family - he remained in long term foster care (which is different) and that was maybe the best thing for him but your son was younger and it was possible and right to find a forever / adoptive family for him - the foster carers loved him very much but wanted him to find a permanent family as it was the best thing for him. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things - but it’s hard - it make sense to adults but not to a child - he needs support to grieve the loss. It takes time

Thanks for your feedback. We need to avoid the age comparisons as we are not younger than foster carers. We were older than 45 when our son was placed and he’s been with us for four years. It’s only in the last six months or so that I feel he’s begun to really question his move from foster care.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Sparklemotion I've forgotton how old he was when he came to you.

I was thinking that there may be some mileage in explaining that he was very young when he came to live with you and its normal fpr young children to find new families quite easily. Sadly for teenagers its much harder and many prefer not to be adopted but to stay fostered.

As you are still in touch with the FC could they have a chat with him, explain how he will always be part of their family too but in a different way, the older/adult ones dont have anyone else like he does. Maybe he needs reassurance from them ?

Hi Serrakunda27

Thanks for your feedback. I have wondered about foster carers talking to him about it. We have regular contact and they are very good in being sensitive to his needs. He was just three when he came to us.

Dear Sparkle,

We share the same thing. One of my sons keeps asking the same question. The explanation doesn’t seem to matter to him. I would simply say: explore, explore, explore the feeling and his believes (not what we think he believes and feels). I would recommend using Dan Hughes approach to wondering what he’s trying to get at (C: curiosity from PACE) whilst playing. What is his real, deep down question?

I agree, the age reason is not an answer as there’s no upper limit to adopt in this country or there are heroic Grandparents out there who take grandchildren when their parents can’t look after them. Also, he knows that’s not the reason. Saying that foster care is at the end of the day a job might be painful but is the truth. But he’s not looking for that sort of truth.

I would say, try to focus on what he is searching for, working out with him why that aspect of his life is so important to him. Maybe indeed it’s less painful to talk about my FCs didn’t keep me than address my BPs didn’t look after me/keep me or whatever the reason for the separation is.

Best wishes,

A