Edited 17/02/2021
Frustrating day
adoptionp
May 26, 2018 23:45
A very frustrating day.. Spoke with AD last Friday weekend, where she was 'honest' in her words in telling me she has got a sexually transmitted disease after being passed around three gang members, with the mother of one of the gang members child after her, and also two other teenage girls (who were also passed around) had beaten her up. She seemed much calmer as she had gone into foster care mode, being the LAC. Today I spoke to her and asked if she would like to see us this weekend, where she was continually asking her new carer what to say, with both unsure of if she could actually meet us this weekend, with the new carer speaking for AD (being her advocate), and telling me what I can say and do! Saying AD does not want to visit home and dictating we are to go out for the day only! Even though when we met at Easter AD wanted to come over and stay over! Then there was confusion over AD meeting us at bus stop and now being told it will cafe, when asked why, AD put phone down. She was clearly getting directed. Can the LA SW not give clear and simple guidance? Then being told new carer has information. This annoyed me, as it felt like 2016 again with how we parents were treated during court case. After speaking to duty SW three times today and getting them three times to clarify to new carer the massive impact new carer would have on our relationship and attachment with AD the message eventually sunk in 5 hrs later today and AD sent text this evening (clearly written by carer) informing she would 'love to see us', which we are tomorrow for a few hours. No doubt AD has lapped all the negative attention this has caused even though she now knows it is not the same situation. No court case and no care order. She revells in this. I had to make clear several times, AD needs to contact us and only us to make arrangements and stop using and getting adults to communicate to us. Quite frankly am I in the mood to see her tomorrow? Not really, I question why I am bothering because she really does not care about seeing us and I am not going through 2016 again! Why do I feel I am the only one making the effort and continually educating the LA about attachment, just so I maintain a relationship with AD! And after what AD told me about her antics at the YMCA, as a family we are still getting over the shock of it and wondering if we can see AD in the same light as when she left us. Sorry, I need to vent.
daffin
May 27, 2018 18:57
Good grief! How old is DD? Can you talk to SS the Safeguarding- you could remind them about how badly officials came out of the Rochester grooming/ sexual exploitation case. The attachment/ contact stuff sounds complex, but I would focus on basic Safeguarding for now. She is vulnerable and damaged, sexual relationships of that nature are hardly going to help her.
Edited 17/02/2021
adoptionp
May 27, 2018 22:09
AD is 16.5 yrs old. She was moved to supported lodgings two weeks from the YMCA where she had been since Feb this year. We parents wonder if she would have done this if she was with us, it would likely have resulted in severe confrontation as she wants her freedom, she has always wanted to do whatever she wants since she came to us at age 8. We met her all day today, she seemed lost, going from the crazy YMCA to living with one carer. I do not think it will last but this person has been looking after older teens to adulthood for ten years, and she is a doctor. Hopefully AD will adjust, we just don't think she wants boundaries. The placement is supported by a charity who help young teenagers. AD said her engagement officer at the YMCA she is almost brainwashed into self destructing behaviour. She wants to see us tomorrow, at least if she is with us she will be out of mischief.
Edited 17/02/2021
adoptionp
May 27, 2018 22:25
AD is 16. She is safe in supported lodgings with this carer but we do not think she will be there long as she is bored. Compared to the freedoms of YMCA, she will need to adjust to boundaries and routines. This placement is supported by charity thst helps teens to adulthood. She is drawn to being with lowlife characters, as the YMCA said these people did not live there and no matter what they said to help her she seemed brainwashed. We had good day with her today ay beach and BBQ at home. She wants to see us tomorrow. At least with us she will be out of mischief.
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Milly
May 27, 2018 22:41
Pleased to hear you had a good day today. It must be so difficult to keep things on an even keel when you aren't living together. My dd (17) has always lived with us but just a few hours away from us under other influences can change her mind set and we then need to draw her back to us. She's always nicer when she has spent good times with us!
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chestnuttree
May 27, 2018 23:05
It sounds dreadful. Has the being passed around gang members, the assault and the sexual abuse of a child and two teenagers being reported to the police? If not, this needs to be done urgently, so it doesn't get repeated. Like Milly, I would point to the Rochester and other grooming scandals and inform the relevant MP if nothing happens. There needs to be an investigation.
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Wizzywoo
May 28, 2018 09:11
I picked up on your comment that you dont know if you can see her in the same light due to recent events. From previous postings it seems sadly that your daughter has been in self destruct mode for quite some time. I would be careful not to convey to her ( conciously or unconciously ) that she is disappointing you as this is likely to drive her even more into dangerous behaviours. She needs to be loved and accepted at her worst ( like us all ) and she needs you even if she doesnt know it . Keep the door open but dont allow her to control the rest of you if you can . A v hard balance to achieve i know. It must be v hard for you as a family. Hope eventually you see some light at the end of the tunnel.
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safia
May 28, 2018 09:28
Your AD is a very vulnerable young person who is being exploited - and not sufficiently protected in SS care. Try to see her in that light and not as someone who is to blame for their behaviours. She seems a very confused young lady but through it all it seems to me she really wants to see you and to keep that connection - she really needs you - hold onto that Hope it went well with the meet up
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adoptionp
May 28, 2018 10:39
Thank you all for your posts, The MP is aware and Police have been informed by AD, she went missing (from school) last week and in one day was picked up by Police. I am desperately trying to keep the connection going. If it were not for the duty SW third call on Sat, she would not be spending time with us and god knows what she would have done. We know she is not happy at the new carer, but to all adults it is best option. She definitely is in downward spiral and we all need to bring up back up.
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safia
May 28, 2018 12:32
I have sent you a pm
Edited 17/02/2021
Madrid
May 28, 2018 12:40
She needs you now more than ever.
Edited 17/02/2021
adoptionp
May 28, 2018 20:00
The good old days you could put up physical barriers, distance, cost of transport, stop usage of landline telephone but sadly these days of social media our vulnerable children are constantly in contact. As demonstrated today, our AD was constantly in contact with these men, and when I said you were told not to, she simply said I can do what I want. When you are over 16, the LA are reluctant to go for care order as it is very difficult to prove (or likely driven by cost of establishing and treating), on grounds of 'mental incapacity'. The number of times I have heard SWs say , oh they are just teenagers, constant denial is much cheaper.
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adoptionp
May 31, 2018 10:08
We had two lengthy days of contact (Sun and Mon) getting AD back for her 8pm curfew. We bought her some clothes and wanted to purchase more on Tues in town. As we were entering shop in town, AD was exiting with SW. She looked at us and completely ignored us! I simply did not get it. I called out to her, she looked and then completely ignored me! I tried ringing her phone and she refused to take call. So she was enjoying the control. I rang SW team and asked if the SW could ask her to come back and at least say hello, they agreed it was unacceptable she ignored us but were not willing. I said the therapist advised she should be 'corrected' at the point she does these things. They still refused but would talk to SW. So if the LA want us to support her, they do not make it easy. Attachment issues? What we saw today was more like Attachment disorder!
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Fenwick
June 4, 2018 09:07
Have been following your posts for some time. Our family has had many similar issues. Our DD left home at 15, unlike your D, at 16 she was pretty well cast adrift by SS. I would try and work with the Authorities as far as possible, because they may well quietly drop your daughter and your family ... just because of her age and their diminishing resources. Our D didn't respond to letters from us, or if we saw her out and about, She is now 28 and realationship is much better, not as good as we would love, but better than we thought possible at one time. Just try and keep going but don't expect her to be repentant about her lifestyle.
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adoptionp
August 30, 2018 14:43
AD (now 16.5 yrs old) has now been moved to a new carer (still in supported lodgings) on the other side of the county and still being looked after by the charity with a new LA SW who is from the living in care permanent team. She is not talking to us as I have raised concerns to SS that AD is still in contact with gang members and she is quite happy to use her benefits to travel 1hr by train to see them, including still being in contact with girls that assaulted her! Social media is playing its part and even though I have asked they take a more proactive approach, the LA SW is saying there is nothing they can do about this considering her age! Although they know her mental age is much younger. With so much in the news about gangs and knife crime, AD really does not know what she is getting herself into, only seeing the glamourized lifestyle of being in rap videos etc.. I am aware this is not unique to adopted children but AD is particularly vulnerable and easily influenced considering her past experiences. I see this as a cop out by the LA, surely prevention is better then picking up the pieces! I would like to know if anyone has had similar and how best you protected your child from this culture? Or do we just let them get on with on it?...the police just say it is a social services issue....
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nancydanfan
August 30, 2018 17:22
Our daughter didn't get into gangs, as far as I know. However I am pretty certain SS blindly clung to the mantra " she is 16, she can make her own decisions". What I would consider healthy protective boundaries they interpreted as over protectiveness and a failure to recognise daughters need for independence . I completely get your utter frustration but my experience of SS is they are mainly interested in doing as little as possible.
Edited 17/02/2021
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