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She has left
Grandmagill
June 11, 2017 21:02
Hi Really need some help as our adopted daughter who is now 18, emotionally about 13 has left home. I have posted over the years positive posts and done negative ones when life was awful under my husbands name but for some reason it's not working so here as me. We adopted 13 years ago and she was 5 3/4 when she came to live with us, we have 3 birth children who we now 29, 25 and 20 and now have a little grandson who is nearly 4. She had attachment from day one although at the time I wasn't aware that's what it was, she had been severely neglected and sexually abused which we tried to deal with by play therapy and as she got into teens by counselling. She has been hard, hard work as she has had issues with friendships all through her schooling .. she constantly lies, has been manipulative, steals off us and her siblings the list goes on. She has also hot the highest award in the Guides, done her silver duke of Edinburgh and left the army cadets at 18 after being a junior corporal. We gave had lots of fun and memories but unfortunately it all seems like a distance memory. Last Year she got involved in drugs and we came down really hard on her and we managed to get her away from the group of friends and I'm hoping that's in the past. She has got herself in quite a few unsafe situations with boys which I constantly worry about and had taken to not coming home for days staying at diff boys homes ever other day. She to,d us last year she wanted to move out as she thinks she can live by herself, she has been gone nearly a week now and refuses to tell us where she is. She is going to the council tomorrow morning to declare herself homeless .. I am meeting her at town tomorrow after work to buy her food, do we have to say we have thrown her out so she gets help when we haven't? She texted me yesterday to say she loves us but she's different to us and wants to be by herself. I am devastated as we have given her everything these past 13 years, she's had a loving family who care about her but all she appears to want is to have a room she can drink in till god knows Shen with god knows who. Feeling sad and need advice. Can she get help as she was in the care system or doesn't it count with her being adopted? Another issue she has found birth brother on fab a few weeks ago, we have talked about it and up to now she hasn't contacted him as he's on drugs and been in prison numerous times but that's out of our control now. Any advice would be welcomed x
Bop
June 11, 2017 21:08
Firstly ((hugs)) It is hard, but sadly its not uncommon for adoptees to leave home chaotically and prematurely. On a positive note, most do reconnect when again when they are a bit older. I'm a member of Potato (Parents Of Traumatised Adopted Teens) - there are many more adopters there in similar situations to yourself. Take a look at the website here : https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ ...and in the meantime, remember to look after yourself and do nice things for you and the rest of the family.
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Grandmagill
June 11, 2017 21:27
Thank you, Is there forums on the other site? My other kids have been great and we have had our grandson all weekend and he's back tomorrow, so taking our mind of her a tiny bit thank you x
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Johanna
June 12, 2017 11:43
Hugs You have kept her safe for as long as possible. That is part of her life experience as much as her traumatic early years. If you can, text daily to her on the lines of Thinking of you and Hope you are well. Short and sweet. We found this helped when our girls left. They are very much in our lives now but in a different way. They have also had to deal directly with birth family and reach their own resolution .... some is positive and some is not. Johanna x
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Pear Tree
June 12, 2017 13:22
Hello, I've posted briefly on your other thread. Our AD moved from her unit at 17, wouldn't tell us where she was and no one from ss would tell us either. She wanted to be independent and she went completely off the rails (she wasn't exactly stable at the start!) I think you do have to say that she can't come home for her to get a place on housing. I'd suggest she needs supported housing but this term seems variable in its meaning. Otherwise she's intentionally homeless and that means no placement Wondering if she gone to sofa surf with someone? I imagine her birth family are in the mix, in our case our AD can't have more than one family at a time Maybe that's the same for you Anyway. She's now legally 18. she can do whatever she wants and so to preserve your sanity, I agree with Johanna, let her go. With our As we text him each week on a monday. Sometimes it's literally 'hi Thinking of you. Love Mum xx' It's a dreadful bereavement for you. All that might have been... bop is right The potato group has the expertise and experience to help you most. Including the fury of the birth children about the toxic behaviour of their adopted sibling Sending warm support
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adoptionp
June 19, 2017 23:01
Hope you are ok Grandmagill, I am thinking of you and feel for you. When our AD went back into FC last year, we thought that was it, she was never coming back. We grieved as she also said she did not want to return. We never closed the door but we accepted her decision, then four months later she astounded us by saying she wanted to return. There were many ups and downs as AD was torn between coming home and enjoying her 'freedoms' living back in care. She returned after 10 months back in Dec and there have been many teething problems (of requesting to leave at 16 in Nov) and her behaviour at times has been very difficult (pushing boundaries so we 'reject her' first), but she has become settled back at home. I hope this provides you some context and consider if your daughter is also seeking her freedoms but I understand your concerns, as like our AD, she is not age appropriate and the worry is there. It is likely we will be in your position in a few years time and all I can suggest is to reinforce the message that unlike FC, we are her family and we will always be there for her, and when things do go wrong, we have to be resilient to be there for her. Our therapist drew a brilliant picture of concentric circles, with AD in the middle and then it was us her family as the first circle, and everyone else the remaining, and as long as your AD sees it that way, she will always see you as her safe haven in her mind and be safe feeling loved and feel secure no matter how much 'trouble' she gets into. We totally empathise and feel for you, hope you look afteryourselves and be strong :-)
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white christmas
June 22, 2017 17:52
Understand completely the feelings you express. Our AD left home suddenly before her 18th birthday, sofa surfed then we intervened to help her find a flat nearby as we could not do anything else to change her mind. I did feel rejected at the time after nearly 13 years of trying to help her heal and keep her out of danger. My advice would be to push all the hurt feelings aside to keep as close as you can physically and emotionally. Since she moved out to be with her boyfriend she has made a mix of poor and good decisions. She does smoke and use cannabis and can binge drink. Her flat can be a real mess. However, she is engaging with therapy more, can tidy her flat and even cook us a meal, and she is starting to keep herself clean and have a glimmer of hope for her own future. I believe that moving out was wrong timing and she relies on us to keep her afloat whilst maintaining she is independent but she could not be at home either as her patterns of behaviour including insomnia meant no peace for anyone around her and herself. Thankfully she has PIP, ESA and housing allowance Andy her boyfriend has carer's allowance even though he needs care really. This means that she can partially afford this lifestyle as she cannot seek employment. Good luck to you. The urge to leave home and find their own way must be very great and perhaps not in their control.
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white christmas
June 22, 2017 17:54
The above should read and not Andy!
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crissy
June 23, 2017 00:39
You could be writing my story although my son is only sixteen, turns 17 next week. I think you will have to declare her homeless so that she can move forward. I had to do the same, and it made me feel awful, however now he is living in supported living and is again classed as a looked after child, and even though this breaks my heart because I still want to be his mum, I feel this is the best option for him. In our local authority supported living, although in short supply, us available up to the age of 24, so your daughter should be able to access such services. The awful thing about this situation is that it is so well documented that older adopted children have massive issues and yet there is no support for them nor their family. Last year when our son finally went off the rails we sought help from social services, who offered no help to our family and only facilitated our son in leaving home. We were considered to be in the wrong and everything our son accused us of they believed. We have tried to get help for our son for the last 7 years but not once did any agency say that our problems arised from his late adoption. I feel your pain and wish you well with your daughter. I wish we could fast forward 5 years and see how things turn out. Be brave xx
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adoptionp
June 24, 2017 00:04
In our experience and also meeting other adoptive parents, SWs do not understand the experiences of parenting older adoptive children. They will NEVER formally admit nor document the child is at 'fault', they cannot, as understandibiy, the child is reacting to poor experiences before they came into care. We have never blamed AD and have openly said so; however we have made comment on just how poor the system is in supporting the parent to support the child. It is broken and whenever support is sought, their clipboards come out to ensure they are covered from being accused. It appears this takes priority and resource over providing true support e.g. our sols said they will spend time and resource (incl. legal costs) to fight in court to not providing a few hundred pounds of therapy. So don't feel guilty, you are just jumping through their ridiculous bureaucratic hoops to get the right support to your child, as when it comes to the LA and SWs common sense does not prevail!
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silverhawk
July 26, 2017 16:17
Hi our story was pretty similar and involved buckets of tears but unexpectedly after a year she rang late one night and is now home and yes Birth Family were very involved. I agree with Pear Tree just keep reaching out with little kind messages or gifts. But I feel for you it is like a bereavement with a mix of anger, frustration and hurt. For yourself see if the GP can offer CBT.
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silverhawk
July 26, 2017 16:17
Hi our story was pretty similar and involved buckets of tears but unexpectedly after a year she rang late one night and is now home and yes Birth Family were very involved. I agree with Pear Tree just keep reaching out with little kind messages or gifts. But I feel for you it is like a bereavement with a mix of anger, frustration and hurt. For yourself see if the GP can offer CBT.
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Grandmagill
April 12, 2018 22:57
Thanks everyone, just an update. Our daughter is still unsettled. I managed to get her on a scheme where she got supported living and a nice flat with numerous support people involved. Last summer, However she has been engaged since then, broke it off and has been sofa surfing in another town for the past 3 months. We are now at the point where the council are going to withdraw support and she will lose the flat but more importantly she is mixing with a group of boys who are doing drugs and she has been involved too. To say I am devastated is an understatement but although I saw her yesterday she remains distant to us all. I am under no illusion that she only really wants us for money or if she needs anything but feel I need to be there when she calls as whatever has happened she's still my daughter. I feel sad that my beautiful little girl who had so many opportunities is choosing to live a very hard life, in the next few weeks we are having a family meal to celebrate our son's 21 and 30 birthdays and she has not been invited as her three siblings have said they have had enough and would prefer her not to be there. The boys in particular have been really supportive to her but they have said enough is enough, our eldest daughter is not talking to her as she is furious with the way she has treated her dad and I. I really hope things improve but I feel really worried that she hasn't moved on since she left, she is just moving from one group of friends to another which ties in with her attachment. Surprisingly she has decided not to contact her birth family at this point. Thanks for all your replies xxx
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lostinthewoods
May 7, 2018 22:25
Just noticed your post and I send you lots of hugs. Our beautiful DD ran away at 16 with her boyfriend the day before she was due to start her college course. She is now pregnant and refusing to have anything to do with us and has adopted her controlling boyfriends family as her own. She lives in a squalid flat and is dependent on him for everything. A friend met her recently and she said she has never felt happier! All of this has made us ill and we are struggling to cope. However, we have the support of some wonderful friends and family and that gives us pleasure. We are caring for each other and getting out and about as much as we can. I wish you lots of luck and will be hoping that at some point she comes back to you emotionally if not physically. It is like a bereavement and we need to be kind to ourselves and each other. Sending you love.
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Pear Tree
May 8, 2018 07:51
Hello, Iâm sad to read of the poor choices dd is making. You gave her every positive chance at life and yet sheâs unable to make use of these things. Iâm sorry to say my AD is much the same and we are unable to see her further. I was at a bbq yesterday. Someone we donât know that well asked about Partridge and Blossom. I explained that apart from the vulnerability, dodgy girlfriend, no job and endless lying he was doing really well. They were astounded! As for blossom I said we just donât see her now. Sadly. Things donât always go how youâd like them to in life. Itâs not always pretty. Sending my support.
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Madrid
May 8, 2018 08:33
Grandmagill My personal theory is that leaving family in a chaotic and explosive way is perfectly normal for many of our children; that is how they were so often removed from their birth families. Even though they may have been with us for years their brains are hard-wired to recall this memory. Iâve been in the same situation as you. Itâs deeply upsetting and pulls families apart. Like Bop, please contact the Potato Group: ---- EMAIL REDACTED ----
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leslie
July 5, 2018 00:08
Just seen some of these comments, really hope your okay lostinthewoods, it is so hard this journey. Today for me is a bad day, I miss my daughter so much ... big hugs xxx
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