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I fully understand your paranoia Barbamama afterall they have what you most want haven't they?I kept a lot of my feelings bottled up during the assessment, as an aquaintance had told me how to play the game to get through. It worked and we were the only ones in our group who were approved straight away. If I hadn't been tipped off and had been more outspoken about my views perhaps we wouldn't have gotten through.I'm adopted myself and SW's were obsessed that I hadn't traced my BM, so much so that I had to pretend I was going to search just to get them off my back. I really resented a non adopted SW telling me what I should be doing regarding my own BM. What she failed to understand is that tracing is a personal thing. Some adoptees have a burning desire to trace and some don't. Try getting that through to her.There were lots of issues like that but I learned to nod in all the right places and keep my real opinions to myself just to get through it. Now ten years later I'm on here telling it like it is, so as I say I understand your paranoia. Hopefully you will have your little one soon.

Hi jmkThanks for your reply. Definitely know what you mean about biting tongue and playing the game... We've had to do a lot of that! Our sw has some very different opinions to us on certain issues... And have had to do lots if nodding in the right places and keep opinions to ourselves. It is very hard at times but like you said, they have what we want. I'm just hoping it is all worth it in the end and then I can come on here and say what I really think!!!! Thanks again for your words of encouragement and support. X BM x

barbamamai think if professionals really came on these boards they would show better understanding at all stages of their jobs and interactions with us and our childrenLOL

That's so true True!But if I hadn't been tipped off how to play the game, I would have done what most others do - been 100% honest and we probably wouldn't have sailed through the process.What I found most frustrating was that the SW had very set views and failed to see that we are all individuals with differing views.There is no right or wrong in searching for your Bfamily. Some people want to, and conversely, some people don't - They could not understand that, which to me is very narrow minded. I of course assured them that I would have no problem if my AC wanted contact with their BF, and I think I have proved that now, as we have brilliant letterbox with my girls BF. We send regular letters (more than was agreed) and now my DD's are old enough, they write their own letters, asking their own questions. Would I do that if I wasn't open to them contacting their family? Both my DD's know that if they want to meet their BF when they are older I will organise it for them and will support them fully. It will be entirely their choice and I will accept what they want. If one does and one doesn't then I will accomodate that and arrange meeting accordingly (they are siblings). That is what I resented when going through the approval process - Their attitude that I was not normal because I hadn't found my BF. Still haven't, because guess what I haven't got a burning need to do so. Does that make me a freak?

HiWe had the same situation with DH not interested in contacting his birth father and that side of the family even though that is all his black relations, he was raised by his white mum and white step dad, he considers himself to be British - full stop, no inference on ethnicity, race etc, trying to explain to two white SWs that he has hardly ever experienced racism and never as a child - he was one of two minority children in a remote rural village. That he isn't interested in either looking into his Black or Cornish roots was an disconcerting way of describing his indifference about his ancestry tot he SWs.Only after I found out post approval that I have two older sisters on my Dad's side did I start to understand the indifference - I really couldn't careless about them and am completely neutral about their existance. So for these people to have the audacity to think they know how we feel or should feel is incredibly insulting.I understand that they are the experts in how the children may feel and should be helping us get to the place where we are prepared for however a child might react to their circumstances over the years.Good luck for everybody on this emotional, frustrating and complicated journey.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!And so it continues!!!!! Omg keeps coming back to the same issue..... Now had approval panel put back a few months so we can 'explore' it more!!!! Ahhhhhhhh Not sure there is anything left to 'explore'???? Any other area, would be happy to explore more, as do think things have been overshadowed by this one issue! Sooooooooooo frustrating!!!! And v irritating and even more irritating that I feel I have to bite my tongue and hold back from daring to have my own opinion on my own life, feelings and family!!!! Bm x

Barbamama if it would help. pm me for a rant as I know you don't want to post too much on here for fear of being recognised.

Rant PMed jmk!!! X