Archived Forums

It's hard isn't it. I think the grief of mOving on can have a profound effect on the children, and I also think that you get so used to the unusual attachment of foster children that we don't always see problems that other people do - my ltfc is just 'normal' to me as we understand her, but her sw finds her very 'abnormal'. It's horrible feeling judged too. My 9 mOnth old is currently saying 'dada and mama' all the time and I know this will be really awkward when intros come along, when it's just natural and self learning. Just be friendly and remember you are part of a team, so any issues ate not your fault, they are everyone's responsibility.

ImpPlease don't give yourself a hard time. My little one came to us at 19 months with no signs of attachment issues or any other issues, and now we struggle with so much with her. It had nothing at all to do with her lovely foster carers who gave her such a great start. I think the move to adoptive parents is hugely traumatic for little ones, maybe more so than we expect or understand. I think genetics also play a big role (for other things) and don't necessarily become apparent until they're a bit older.Foster carers do a great job and give the children a great start.Hope intros go really well.Ceci

Hi,Your LO's showing attachment problems in adoption has nothing to do with the way you cared for them before.In reality adoption for a small child is a HUGE trauma as they feel and know they are loved, they're in a family and to them there is no reason to move. They feel abandoned.It might be all fun and games during intros, but when the novelty of a new bedroom runs out, when the novelty of the new parents and new family becomes weaker, they still have to go through all the adjustment to a new life, with new parents to love. That is simply too much for some children.It's too unsettling.I think more and more foster-to-adopt should exist and ideally ALL children should arrive in care straight into the arms of a possible forever family.They should start with 0-2, then move it into 0-4 and then even school aged children.Moves are very, very traumatic.You do what you can to make them easier for everyone.All the best,S

trouble is sunflower that the vast majority of LAC return home to birth parents fairly quickly and its not always possible to know who is likely to go on to adoption/LTFC at the beginning, sometimes it is but not always.I am with imp on the wobbles at the moment too. intros not for at least 8 weeks yet but have already had concerns from potential parents about sb's ability to attach to them and what her attachment to me is like. but as ceci said, what they are like in fc isn't indicative of what they'll be like in an adoptive family, the trauma of the move alone does damage. but i'm now having wobbles that the new parents will blame me for anything that sb does in new home that she hasn't done in mine. ie that maybe i haven't told them about it, or she is so damaged by my care that that is why she is being difficult etc. i'm going to make a point at LAD (and any others for later children) that the child i describe in LAD is not neccessarily the child they are going to live with themselves beoz so many dynamics will have changed. reality is starting to bite now. she will have been here almost three years to the day when she moves on, thats a very long time for both of us to deal with. she's oblivious at the moment, but i'm not!anyway imp, hope the intros go as well as they can for you. thinking of you all.

Just coming to the end of intros for my LO and she has dealt with it all really well - better than I could have expected and that worries me!! I have been saying to her new parents this could be the calm before the storm aand that this child who has been fairly happy to let them take over her care may be completly different once she is no longer coming back to us and they seem to understand. They have also been fab at understanding that although the purpose of intros is for them to get to know each other she does need to be able to come back to us for reassurance which they have let her do readily. I will be pushing for an early meeting somewhere neutral in order that she knows we have not just disappeared and hope that she continues to do well once placed. But as everyone says it is a huge trauma to move a child from the family they know and love to someone new and although we know that this has always been the plan they have had no idea they need a new family. I agree foster to adopt placements would be great but as LOB's rightly says at the start of placement it is rarely clear cut as to what the outcome will be for any child and I worry adopters who set out to foster then adopt would pull out of the system all together if they had to deal with a child that they thought was going to be theirs forever going back to BF. I know I couldnt cope with that emotionally as I know how bad it is to send a child home when you always knew they were not yours to keep.Imp and LOB's good luck with your intros and try not to worry I start a second lot in three weeks time and so I think we will all need to be around on here to support each other through if needed - lots of love to you both

oh wriggles, that is so close to each other! sympathies on that. i should be free of intros after sb's until at least january so have time to relax in between. i'm bringing up the concept of very early post placement contact for sb (2-3 weeks in) during the LAD in a couple of weeks. she will need it i'm sure, and may need several short visits over a fairly short period of time following that. hope her family is receptive to teh idea becoz my LA's adoption team and child care teams dont push for post placement contact when parents refuse it even where its in the childs best interests. its always 'we'll see what they say about it'. well stuff that when they are still LAC and the child has lived the whole of her first three years with me! (getting bolshy in my old age!!).

hows it going imp? thinking of you this week and last. we're off to mickey mouse land today so out of touch but wanted you to know thinking of you.

It is, in my opinion, unfair that you are judged because in my experience it is not that simple. You are not responsible for a child's attachment. I agree with Lamplady......we are part of a team and we do our best.....Foster Carers do not create the problems....but in my experience, we do our very best to try and put things right.Please don't let unjust criticism knock your confidence or self esteem. I am sure that if you had the opportunity to reflect on your hard work and care.....there would be countless evidence that would make anyone who is quick to criticise think twice.....It is easy and somewhat superficial for an outsider to look in and judge.....they have no witnessed the journey that you and your LO have been on. You have obviously done a good job or SS and SW would not consider adoption in these cases......xx