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I think you are right about it all needing a rethink. A fantasy version of adoption is 'sold' via the media, which sets prospective adopters up to think that there is a 'perfect child' for them out there somewhere, or that all it will need is love and good parenting, and all will be well. If there was a stronger message that this is specialist parenting for children who hurt then the idea of the perfect match is not really the core concept - the skills of the adopter to cope with a range of complex needs is much more core. IMO.

When I had my daughter I fully expected her to be challenging to parent. I went in with eyes wide open. She's my sons half sib and I knew that if she was anything like him - and she is - we would have a struggle to bond, attach etc. And I was right. Frankly she was, still is sometimes, a right little madam who pushes buttons I didn't even know I had. The thought of her as a teen fills me with dread.Of course having ASD dx explains some if her behaviour but, given just how much like her brother she is, a lot of it is personality driven.My middly - very, very challenging at 6/7 is a joy on the whole and despite everything much, much easier to parent.I do sometimes have to take a step back from being mother to my daughter and be less emotional, more of a carer in some ways. And remind myself that it's not personal.I do think we are all the right match for each otter. I can't imagine parenting other children but there are different types of right!!

Perhaps there are a variety of right matches for a child, but there are also a multitude of wrong matches for that same child. A 'Right Match' doesn't mean that life will be all roses, more that the adopters are able to parent the child in the way that the child need----and not all prospective adopters can do this for every child needing a home.

What Bovary says I don't think SW's can pick - the right match as such - I think my LO was placed with me because we look similar, but I don't think this impacts on our match at all.My friend describes it as parenting plus - I think there should be more prep work done around the 'plus' bit and much better post adoption support.

Yes - I think for many of our children bloody mindedness should be the main characteristic they are looking for in adopters. I wrote it on a form once as the reason for one of our placements continuing when many people thought it wouldn't. BB

I wish that people were listening Shadow. Some money should be found to research this area properly. Kids these days are rarely relinquished and it's only going to get worse.I went in with open eyes and it's still tough and shocking.I'll try and get off my soapbox now

Thoughtful thread, but finding myself distracted by Donatella's typo about being "the right match for each otter"! You've given me the giggles

Simba and I have turned out to be a good match, but the longer he is with me, the more I feel that this was more luck and good fortune than the result of a good matching process.We connected very well from the beginning but from very early on he was just not the child I had been told he was, in both positive and negative ways. We have had several very difficult periods over the last 18 months,but I think what has carried me through was that initial connection and all the positive things I found out about him that the FC and SW had said was the opposite. I could see the child he could be and held on to that.I don't feel the matching process is right and agree that many people's expectations, particulalry for those early months, are so unrealistic its not surprising that people end up in difficulty. I've always thougt that prep group is fundamentally indequate - four days barely scapes the surface

My LO and I seem a good match but it is very early days. And I think its more accident than the matching process per se!!! Also, due to the nature of my profession (and possibly my personality - I like to research things in detail!!!) I have been acutely aware that adopted children are high risk for certain issues (although also realise its not inevitable). What has surprised me more than anything is how many adopters (though not on these boards) don't seem aware of this and also have little knowledge of attachment/bonding issues. I think although there are very difficult situations being discussed on these boards, I actually found it helpful to read about all adoption experiences - from those where its OK to those where its extremely challenging. My prep course was actually very good and I remember one couple commenting how it had really opened their eyes to adoption/the challenges it presented. However, that said as others have commented I think more emphasis on specialist parenting would help a lot. But I feel match is more gut instinct on part of SWs than anything else. Not sure really how you can match???!!!

its a difficult one, I think it is probably (or should be) easier to see obviously poor matches than to be able to see the 'good' ones. that said I remain incredulous at the 'good match' made for sb by sw's where there were very clear and obvious vulnerabilities in the couple identified during home study, even before the match was made, and that the vulnerabilities the potential adopters had were clearly not compatible for parenting a child like sb (and probably any child from the looked after system).I do think as well, like others, that better prep would help to weed out those whose expectations are unrealistic, though you'll always get some that persevere with rose tinted specs despite the clear evidence before them, sb's prospective 'dad' was one of these, and would better prepare those who have more realistic expectations.and I also think that more needs to be done around the sharing of information. yes we need to share the good and the not so good about the children in our care, but it needs to be drummed in really that the child the foster carer lives with is not the child that the birth parents lived with, and that likewise the child that adopters take on is very likely to present differently with new parents than with the fc, different parenting styles, different personalities etc all make children (and adults) react in different ways to their norm, or their previous behaviour, and you can never underestimate the profound sense of loss and grief a child will go through on adoption and how that can affect the way a child behaves. I always have a bit of a 'buyer beware' attitude in a LAD with adopters and tell them that what I am saying about a child is true with me, today, but might not be their experience once the child is placed.

I matched myself to a child I saw online. Hardly knowing anything about me, the SW thought it could be a 'good' match and so we went ahead. Therefore on both sides we worked with gut instinct. The future will tell if this was 'right'! No matter how realistic I think my vision is about adopted children, the more I read about challenges behaviours and attachment issues, the more I can see a gap between what I know and what might be... Can one really get prepared to ensure the placement will be 'right'? We can only try to ready ourselves, then there are so many individual circumstances...But I always pondered about adopters having a third party (SW) choosing a child for them, expecting the emotional connection to follow (or not, but nonetheless coming afterwards). Is this right? For me, looking at children online was such an evolving experience, starting from feeling a rush of love for (almost) every single one of them... to finding that, when it came to making a real enquiry, not many actually fitted my idea of 'right child'. Even though I didn't know what this could be at first, this was a way to find out and I can't see anyone else doing this for me... In the end, my match is different than what I assumed I'd be looking for, but it feels right – and I don't question my choice so much, because I made it (not someone else). Is this a better way to match? Or just a different way?I also agree with all posts here suggesting that we should get more preparation and training. Despite all best intentions, we might not have all the right skills. Lack of skills, not the child, might be what makes a match perfect or not.

InterestingMy Godparent was a SW placing relinquished and young children in the 1970s He said in those days the adopted couple had a chat and all being well and feeling ok about it- then they got to choose a child. Really not much more to it than that.He also tells me that every single one of them faced huge troubles as their adoptees 'reverted to birth family patterns' in their later lives.In those days life story work and the understanding of importance around early trauma was in infancy.But from a matching point of view- it's really been a leap of faith historicallyI get the impression that matching feels more exact now and again, I wonder how much is about how the sw's feel after meeting the adoptive couple, albeit in a more complex process?

On the prep group bit, I think it would be better to have the prep in two parts, one to prepare people for the realities and the process as it is now, but then part two post approval, much more honed in on therapeutic parenting and coping with our damaged LOs.

If there is a racial/heritage issue, then the 'right match' seems to often come down to finding adoptive parents from the same background.But if you are a white family, they don't just place you with a child because he/she is white. So what constitutes the 'right' match seems to depend on the circumstances.

I was a respite carer for my two before they came to live with me, through a supposedly short term hosting/ befriending scheme for children in care. Because it was supposed to be short term the matching was more or less random. I know three other families who ended up adopting 'their' child because there were no suitable extended family members to take the child. The five children involved have similar medical/emotional etc backgrounds to the other 15 or so children in the scheme, who were all fostered by their extended family.Of the three other families, one has disrupted. The other two are two & four years in and doing fine (some challenges but basically OK). So, 5 children in 4 families were successful through random matching (following a basic screening process).I have to agree that we are together because of sheer bloody-mindedness. I was willing to go to court to make the SWs listen to them, and ED was willing (in the face of a lot of intimidation from SWs and birth family) to speak up for herself and her younger sister.They wanted a mum and quickly 'committed' to me being their special adult/mum. I committed to not letting them down - as so many adults already had. I didn't realize quite where it would take us, but I'm glad it did.There are various qualities in each of them I love and match me, but it was a completely random match in the first place

My dd will fight to the death if confronted, I retreat when under stress... so we were considered a good match by the powers that be!I think I'm a pretty good parent (overall, on a good day and with the wind behind me) but the success of the match with my daughter definitely hasn't been just down to me. We've had highly specialised therapeutic support and medication as well and I don't think we would have survived as a famiy without it. I'm all for getting as much preparation and training prior to being an adoptive parent as possible, but I know my child needs more therapeutic skills and support than I'll ever be able to give alone.

We " matched ourselves" too, to ds1 whose personality shone out of the mag photo and was subsequently confirmed at every turn. Ds2 was chosen by sw ( actualy i think they needed to find a home for him and we were the handy olunteers at the right time !) and I initially had no pull towards him emotionally, as I had with ds1 . However I ploughed on, and eventually one day I realised it was now there. Took longer than I thought though, but he is very dear to me now.and I now see the things in his personality that I like, for one thing he is very honest, also he is caring about others.So both choosing and being matched by others can work, in our experience. But we were extraordinarily fortunate in the personality of ds1, and it is his patience that has made the second placement work, along of course with a few other things....Things that also helped the match work, both were doing fine at school, we knew this as they were of school age, sw very very supportive of us and have provided allowance enabling us to concentrate and provide for the kids needs, and therapy for ds2. Mutual support from ds1 siblings adopters, FCC of ds2 also supportive, and my dad and friends who are also adopters and understand.

Volunteers not ollunteers !!!Stick ability, yes, but everyone has their own limits and needs support.

Just thought, what's the definition of a good match, is it if everyone in the family gels emotionally, or is it If the children settle behaviourally, or just any good enough situation where basic needs are met or what? Sw might say its if the adoption doesn't disrupt, but I think it still might have been a good match and the disruption could be for lots of unrelated reasons.