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Hi I am single and was nearly 47 when my son came home. He was nearly 8. My family is small and not local, we are in the Midlands, they are in the North West so not much use for day to day support or babysitting. One brother in Australia, one we don't see much of, all the nieces, nephews and cousins are grown up so not really part of our lives. I do have an uncle and two very close friends, who along with their partners and children I consider family. My son would not be alone if something happened to me. You are being no more selfish than any one else who adopts. Many adopters will tell you that the support falls away when reality hits. Personally I have loads more friends than I did before I adopted. Many of these are adopters, others are fellow parents of children with Autism. You need to get imaginative, join an adopters group - ready made support. Neighbours with kids, you will probably get to know thm more. One of my SWs when practically orgasmic when I told her my neighbour was a nurse ! I get huge support from the Scouts because my son goes off to camp three or four times a year - great respite. Scenario plan - what do you need support for - who could you call on in particular circumstances. Who will give emotional support, who can give practical support. How supportive is your workplace - flexible or part time working for example. Point out that its hard to have 'mum' friends until you are a mum, but you will. Show how you would build your network. Having a child would change your family dynamic. I used to go home twice a year, my parents would come to me once a year. Now its every 5 or 6 weeks, I want then to have a relationship, so we make the effort to go every school holiday. Day to day to be honest, yes I am pretty much on my own. However close or reliable your friends, bottom line is they have jobs, their own kids to get to school. My friends would pull out all the stops in an emergency, and always there on the phone and great for emotional support, but its not practical to expect too much day to day. For me, the quality of my support means more than quantity. I have only lost one friend along the,way but gained so many more. Think carefully about the age of the child you are looking to adopt. I do know many single adopters who have adopted babies. I always felt an older child was better for me because of work, but I felt a baby would be too restrictive. Think about work and finances. I am lucky enough to be able to work part time, three days a week. The two days I dont work I can go to the gym, meet my support groups, sort house stuff out, gives me enough time to recharge so I can be a better mum to him. I did start out with an LA, but left over several issues, one being my support network. I went to a VA, same support, no problem. If you want it enough, you can make it work

Hello, I'm a single adopter - over 7 years' ago now, and with a child who turned out to have very significant needs/developmental trauma. My family live far away, with my nearest and dearest sister 3 hours' drive away. It was really, really hard especially in the first few years. I thought that a close-by group of friends and neighbours would help but they all evaporated when faced with the reality of a traumatised, violent child. However, a new network emerged in its place. I made a few really close friends at the school gate who have been great. But they have been the minority, with most not wanting their children to associate with my AD. When times were really bad, I simply bundled AD in the car and drove to my sister for a long weekend. When that wasn't possible, I invited people round to dilute the tense atmosphere at home. I can now say that being a single adopter has been the best thing ever for my AD. I believe that she feels safe with me at a deep level, and trusts me. Nothing she did - and it was extreme - succeeded in making me reject her. I think that she would have destroyed a marriage, and certainly couldn't have coped with sharing me. I have had to commit completely to my AD. It has been harder than I ever imagined but I don't regret it.

Single adopter here too and late 40s. The support network diagram I had to prepare in stage 1 is unrecognisable in terms of who I now count on and rely on. The majority of new friends that I have made since adopting are other adoptets who 'get it'. You will definitely make acquaintances at the school gates but whether they become close friends is probably down to your personality and how quickly you make new friends. If you have been advised to expand your support network then I'm sure it's possible - church, hobbies, sport or even getting involved in brownies/scouts etc. Personally, I have found my family hugely important. They don't live near me but they are the only ones I trusted to have my AD overnight. It took over a year or so to get to that point and as a single adopter, that's a long time to wait to have a lie in! If you want to become a mum then persevere. It's worth it x

Thank you all. It is reassuring to hear that you can do it. I have read threads over the last 6 months that say that your initial support network falls away for many people but that you make a new support network and I have seen this enough with my own friends where they make new friends via NCT or school/nursery, I have explained this to the LA's & VA's that I would be expanding my support network once adopted via adopters support group which both the LA and the VA run locally, along with activity days and summer camps. I would also hope to make friends at school as well. I have been told that it is more likely a child would be around 4 which I am happy with as I will have to work after adoption leave. Both the VA and the LA's have left me feeling like I am not a suitable person to adopt although none of them have said this. They all say they are happy for me to apply but it comes with some big buts, the main one being my support network. I am going to spend time now strengthening this - I have applied to do some holiday clubs for children with SEND locally as well as joining some clubs. I have also started a residents group for where I live as I have only been in this side of town for a year - lived over the other side which is where all my friends are but only a 10 - 15 minute drive. For respite I can use my cousins but it is a 5 hour drive depending on traffic and the same for my niece. My friends will be there to come over and support or on the end of a phone when it all gets too much. I do get that it will be hard and my job has said I can work part time - so if they are school aged, that will enable me to re charge my batteries. I just wondered if I was living in la la land trying to do this with no family support. I want to be a mum and will do anything to make this happen. And if this means strengthening my support network then I will get out there and do this. Sorry just wondered can I join adoption support groups without a child or would that be really strange? Thank you - I really appreciate you taking the time to explain your situations and give me some advice. It does give me hope as been feeling so flat about it all over the last month.

yes you can join support groups without having a child This is a support forum, so you already belong to one ! I really don't think it matters if your support is family or friends. What matters is the support. Think through some scenarios who could pick them up from school if I had to work late who could babysit who could do some shopping if I was ill what would happen if I had to go into hospital, broke my leg if you have it covered, then its covered

Thanks Serrakunda. Yep I had all of those questions covered. I have used this forum to fight my corner especially with returning to work a few times where adopters have said they have had it written into their PAR about having to return to work part time and I do find these forums really useful. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.