Edited 17/02/2021
update
greyspeckledhen
November 5, 2018 23:38
I popped on to check a private message and enjoyed reading posts from familiar names so thought I would post an update. Our boys age 19 and 21 have both been living away from home for over a year and so far, both are doing ok but it is likely to take a nose dive shortly. 19yr old is living in "shared lives" supported accomodation with a full time carer which has been going great (the back story is that he had to leave our house due to his violence and police got involved - so it was extremely difficult and lots of grieving occurred before we settled into this new way of being family) but he now wants to move out of the supported accommodation and has been offered a flat in a semi supported appartment - it has someone on call. They allow animals so he has put his name down for a puppy and thinks he will manage fine even though he often stays out all night/ goes away for several days. :-( He has up till now had a financial advocate looking after finances but she will hand over to him as she deems him capable despite her having to pay his 3 months rent that he hadn't paid and she had to take over paying his mobile phone bill (£79/month!) when we started getting court summons letters as he registered it to our address. He has no track record of managing to pay bills which is why he has an advocate. Eldest may need to move back home for a while shortly so we aren't sure how that will work or if we can negotiate an alternative; if we can find a way of occupying him either with work or volunteering - it has been so calm here with just our 11 year old and he has become used to a much more peaceful life without their chaos and trauma, violence and aggression - we aren't overkeen to have that back in our house but want to be able to support him in a helpful way. I am feeling like cautious boundaries are needed while we renegotiate what we can offer. For a good long while it felt like our life would always be controlled by their trauma and that there was no escape, but having experienced the peace and calm of our new normal we are extremely reluctant to let it go - living with trauma was very unhealthy and toxic for all of us. We need some creative options - esp. for eldest if anyone has ideas for residential jobs or volunteering opportunities. He has great 'meet and greet' people skills and with a person/ small team alongside him to keep him on task he can work hard but not problem solve or keep himself on task.
chocoholic
November 6, 2018 09:24
Thanks for taking the time to share your update GSH, I always appreciate reading about people further down the line than me and mine, it gives me confidence / encouragement / inspiration / creative ideas... that it is possible to keep going and negotiate a path through trauma without dropping into a pit you can never get out of... to keep on keeping on as so many others have before me. Thank you for sharing. I don't know if this would be at all suitable for your young man, but if he's an outdoorsy-type, the National Trust offer some volunteering roles which have accommodation provided. Ignore if inappropriate, obviously. https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/find-an-opportunity
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pingu123
November 6, 2018 15:52
Great to hear from you again. I remember we met up at greenbelt once , quite a few years ago. My boys are 20 and 15 now, how time flies !! Best Wishes Pingu
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createamum
November 6, 2018 17:31
I donât know if this is any help, Othona is a spiritual community in Dorset. https://www.othonawestdorset.org.uk/live-work/vacancies
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Johanna
November 6, 2018 20:09
Thanks for the update GSH. Our elder girl now 24 is in Housing Association house with her children and we encouraged and advised her to have rent paid directly from benefits. She has other services on meter. This really helps her budgeting and also protects her from people "borrowing " off her. Is there a wildlife sanctuary your son could volunteer at, or Cats Protection/ RSPCA? Hope all works out well. Johanna x
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Bigmrs
November 7, 2018 08:47
Not sure where you live, but where we are the city farms provide opportunities... also charity shops like rspca always looking for volunteers... primary schools are always looking for people to help with reading, beanstalk too if he would be into that sort of thing... wishing you all the luck in the world, hope you keep some of that peace in your lives that you have gained, let us know how it goes xx
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safia
November 7, 2018 09:18
Nice to hear from you. Iâve never known anything about your kids as I only ever remember your name in relation to the wonderful camping meets (though Iâve never managed to go) and always assumed they were older. Where we live the volunteer bureau has lots of opportunities - however I found them really unhelpful in looking for a placement for a specific person - a lot of what they are looking for is qualified people to give their services for free - early retirement or newly qualified seeking experience. I found asking round charities offering the sort of thing your son is interested in to be the best. My AD volunteers at the RSPCA - took a while to get in but now she is able to increase her hours gradually - the added advantage is she is working with animals who have experienced trauma or neglect ( cruelty) An option for paid work that is residential is maybe something like a caravan site or holiday camp or maybe hotel / pub work (if thatâs a suitable option) - if heâs interested in working with kids or young people again there are places that do residential breaks - canât think of any names - but where schools may take them (so could ask the LEA for example)
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greyspeckledhen
November 9, 2018 18:56
Thanks fro the suggestions - esp. Othona. I will keep an eye on their website. He has done National Trust and Animal rescue (dog walking) volunteering previously so they are both options but the local opportunities for either of those are quite part time. Holiday camp/ caravan site could be great options but probably not until nearer the summer. Sadly when he was home this week his own ideas include teaching in Vietnam, Marrying his girlfriend and moving to America or doing aid work in Syria....I'm sensing some visa issues never mind affording to get there or being able to do those things (I don't think the relationship is longer than a couple of weeks although of course he tells me differently). So as well as drip feeding some more realistic options I will also have to be supportive while he tries to make the 'really difficult to achieve' ideas work....
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safia
November 10, 2018 10:44
Caravan sites / holiday camps do have staff all year round (though less presumably and thereâd be much more seasonal work) If heâs interested in gap year type things (and relatively sensible / mature) there are many organisations you run projects overseas - there is usually a cost to cover expenses but my DD worked for one called Frontier where she worked in their offices in London for 6 mths for free and then they paid her expenses to travel to Nicaragua and work on environmental projects for them. She then got a job with them there and stayed 2 years - she was responsible for meeting groups of students taking them to the various projects and overseeing the work - she also had to negotiate with government agencies in Spanish which she didnât know before she went there - it was all a brilliant experience for her (although she had a couple of hair raising ones too!) Syria I donât recommend - we know of several people whoâve been investigated / charged by anti terrorism branch for sending money to their kids in Syria who went with charitable intentions (apart from the more obvious dangers) The teaching in Vietnam might be worth looking into. Try to steer him to countries with good health care - Nicaragua has free health care for emergencies whereas in some African countries the health care provision is very poor (hence the need for aid worker) - my DD was hospitalised with dengue fever at one point - you never know what may happen
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greyspeckledhen
November 10, 2018 11:00
Thanks Safia. He won't have good enough literacy to manage office based stuff - needs to be practical and without much responsibility. Also can't afford for it to cost much. Will keep looking though!
Edited 17/02/2021
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