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I'm not surprised that you are causing your SW a headache. What role do you see your boyfriend as having in any future childs life? To be honest I think you need to think very seriously about this. If he doenst want to be involved as a father, how does he intend to support you in this decision, is he prepared to take second place to a child, you say you have independent households but I assume you have 'sleepovers' . How is this going to work with a child. What about weekends and holidays? If your partner doesnt want to be dad is he still prepared to spend that time with you and a child. If not where does this leave your relationship. I dont think you can avoid him having to go to prep and being part of homestudy and if he wont participate I think you will have to be prepared for some very difficult decisions

Even if he doesn't want to be a dad again you, his partner, want to be a mum - and I don't see how he can have you in his life without your child. How are you going to see him without a child in tow? You can't start using babysitters every time you and he fancy some time together. Either he's in it with you and supports you or he's not. Not sure that you can have it both ways. And so if he is going to support you then he too needs to know the realities of parenting an adopted child and he needs to know that this child will be significantly different to any other child he's parented!

Hi Guys, thanks for your comments. Sorry but I think I have given the wrong impression of my chap. When I said he doesn't want to be a dad again this was just relating to the formal adoption of any child I may be blessed with. He is fully on board as far as anything else is concerned. He knows how much this means to me and wants to help as much as he can. We have both thought long and hard about this and how having a child will impact on our relationship. We both know that the child would come first and are solid and grounded as far as this is concerned. He is more than happy to do prep and home visits. My SW is great but this situation is not something they come across very often, even the manager hasn't dealt with it before...thats why I was wondering if anyone else had been in the same situation.

Please see my further message

I assume you realise that if he does do prep and home study then he is, in effect, being approved (or not) as well. In which case they're quite likely to want to interview his ex and kids? And crb checked? Though I think it's called something different now.

Many moons ago I spoke to an adoption agency and had someone I was dating at the time. Not as serious as a boyfriend. I told them the situation and their response was "you're the one who wants to adopt, not him". I remember it really clearly because I was surprised they would be that open minded about it. I can't offer more than that because, in the end, he had to go (quite rapidly as it turns out) and I went ahead on my own after a few years to get some savings behind me. Not brilliantly helpful I know but I'd just ask the agencies and they will outline their thoughts, then you can think about your situation more thoroughly.

Hi blanket lady, Have to say I am in agreement with the other posters as to how problematic this could be for your potential son or daughter. Will your partner be 'daddy' or mummys friend? This would be a hugely important thing for my son to deal with. I am a single adopter and my son is 8 (adopted at 12 months) and he has for the last year been behaviorally and verbally communicating how sad and upset he is at not having a daddy. He thinks his dad is dead, as well as creating other scenarios in an attempt to rationalise why daddy is not in his life. Most of which involve him blaming himself and this upsets him even more. He is having to deal with this on two levels, one being his birth father and another being his adoptive father or rather the absence of both of them. It is greatly upsetting to me that I cannot alleviate his pain, despite every effort to do so I cannot make up for this and I am having to help him grieve this loss. To then add into the mix a male figure who is mummys friend/partner who he would see regularly I assume but he wouldn't be able to call daddy would be devastating for him, yet another rejection, another loss to grieve. Or if he was called daddy the fact that daddy didn't want to live in the same house as him would also be another rejection. It's not something I could subject him to, it would be even more damaging. I'm sorry I didn't want this to sound too negative, it is a very exciting time for you, so I apologise for that. I can recommend adoption to you I would never have met my children otherwise and that to me doesn't bear thinking about. I wish you well for the future but as serrakunda says I also think the more you get into the process the more problematic it could be.

Sorry but I agree with all the other posters He should be totally in or not in the picture at all Keeping him in the picture but not Dad of the LO will raise all sorts of issues especially around rejection Adoption can be the most challenging task ever and this would add an extra challenge

I'm a single adopter from circumstances quite similar to your scenario. I was in a long-term stable relationship and not living together. (But it was a long-distance relationship, which may make a difference.) Anyway my agency saw my boyfriend as a plus and as a positive male role model for my children. He was CRB checked and my sw travelled to see him - he was interviewed as a member of my support network. I guess the crucial point really was agreeing that children would take absolute priority over any relationship. But I adopted under the 1976 Adoption Act when unmarried couples could not adopt except as singles in any case. I get the feeling attitudes have changed from 2002 with new regulations enabling unmarried couples to adopt jointly. As other posters have mentioned, I did find it was essential to be very clear with everyone about roles and boundaries. You are either 100% a parent or you are not a parent - there's no halfway. Children need to know who's who. You'll also find that it's really important to demonstrate that your circumstances are stable - e.g. I don't think I would have been approved if either of us had been harbouring thoughts of living together in the foreseeable future. From time to time there have been other posters on the old boards who have started in similar situations (I can pm you some bookmarks to previous threads if that's helpful).

Hi Lettice - can you PM me those links - I am in a similar situation - its all early days and I'm the one who wants to adopt - I would see my new boyfriend as someone who could in time be a postive male role model and who knows maybe a dad figure but its me who would be the parent. For now who knows its me who is committed to adopting not him but it seems daft to rule him out as in due course he may well want to become part of that journey. I do think there is an element of being totally perfect that just isn't achieveable when it comes to adopting - surely married couples could split up once they adopt - there are no guarantees about anything - just an educated guess about an adopters resilience and how good they might be xxx

Hello Maisie and BlanketLady, I'm in a similar situation. I've been waiting such a long time to adopt and am now well on my journey, then in the last couple of months ago a guy has popped up who I quite like! He knows all about what I am doing and fully supports it, and I honestly have no idea if we have a future together, but I wondered how SWs would view it? As single adopters, are we expected to stay single for the foreseeable future?! xx

I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh - but I really think you need to decide what you what - a relationship or to adopt. No if you adopt it doesnt mean you have to stay single forever but I really dont understand why you think its a feasible idea to be trying to manage new adult relationships at the same time as adopting a child, let alone the impact on the child. What do you mean these men are fully supportive - will they still be supportive when you havent seen them for 6 months, or when you realise there arent going to be any adult 'sleepovers' for the foreseeable future. If you told these men you were trying to get pregnant at the same time as seeing them - would they feel the samem its not really any different is it ? If you have no idea whether you have a future together how can you even contemplate bringing that into the equation with a newly placed child. It nothing to do with being 'perfect' adopters but facing up to the reality of adopting a vulnerable child and putting your other needs aside for the time being. . If you are effetively in a relationship and your SW doents know then I would advise you to tell them. These things have a habit of coming out and if your SW thinks you have been deceiving them then you will be in for a whole lot of grief. I suggest you go back and read the whole thread carefully

Okay, this is probably going to sound harsh but just how, where and when do you imagine you're going to find the time and energy to commit wholeheartedly to a child whilst having a man on the side? Yes married couple split up - the stress if parenting a traumatised child will do that. If a couple married for years who are equally committed to this child can't make their longstanding relationship work under this pressure, then how do you think you're going to do it? When will you have time ? Presumably you will have heard of funnelling? Is this man going to suddenly develop a love of soft play rather than the theatre? Will he accept that sex is out of the question? He won't be able to sleep over. You won't be able to use a sitter. No-one is suggesting the single life forever but you cannot do both at the same time. What's your priority ?

I am in total agreement with Serrakunda and Donatella. I am a single adopter, and have had my son for just over two years. As adopters go I am blessed - my son has no additional needs or difficulties at the present time. However, I spent a full nine months at home with him where I was very strict about funnelling - we spent all our time close to home and engaging in activities designed to help us bond. I was very lucky that this worked for us and I was then able to return to work. As I am a manager in a Children's Centre he was able to be in the nursery, with me close at hand. Being a single parent is HARD. Being a single parent of an adopted child is infinitely harder. I have a great family and brilliant friends, but he is my son and I have to think carefully about every small decision I make. There is no room, or time for personal relationships because I prioritise my son. I decided to adopt him, he didn't chose me, so I need to make sure I do the best I can for him. You can't possibly know what needs your child will have and whatever they are you will need to have 100% focus on them. Single adopters should be single - there is no middle ground in my opinion. I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. Adoption is not about you having it all, it's about a damaged child, needing full commitment. Relationships are something for years down the line, if ever.

I also agree with donatella and serakunda The other question it would throw up for me also is just what do you think a child up for adoption is like? Much more challenging that a BC is likely to be and much more labour intensive So if you think it is possible to keep a boyfriend type relationship going whilst parenting a very needy child suggest to me that you do not fully realise what is needed of an adoptive parent

Hello Blanket Lady, I can understand the concerns expressed here, but here is another perspective. I have a friend who adopted a daughter 6 years ago when she was 5 years old. She is in a long term relationship with a man she doesnt live with - also has grown up children and didnt want to do it all again. I'm not sure how far he was assessed. All I do know is that were it not for the support that he gives her I think the placement would have collapsed long ago. It has been extremely challenging for her. The man is around at weekends and has a relationship with the child, although it took a long time to establish. But he is also around on the phone at the end of days when my friend has just suffered masses of rage and abuse. I suppose my question is, how secure is your relationship? If it can withstand extreme pressures, it might turn out to be a lifeline for you. If not, are you prepared to be a single person and parent. Of course you may well not have anything like the experience that my friend has, but it's as well to be prepared for the possibility.

Helen, there are of course always exceptions, however two poster here are talking about new relationships, not long standing established relationships. All I know as a single adopter is that I was grilled very hard about this by my SW, who being a single mum herself wasnt unsympathetic. I would think that your friend's partner would have been at least interviewed and CRB'd if not assessed and have been prepared to stay away for a good while after LO came home. I take your point that he has been a great support to your friend but he still has a get out of jail free card doesnt he

Just a comment. This week I went to a party. This was, I think, my second night out this year, and I had to peel a hysterical child off me in order to leave the house. At the party I spent time talking to one of my best mates, who frankly had one too many glasses of fizz. She admitted she had missed our relationship since I had adopted, found it hard to know how to support me etc. We have a mutual single friend who has recently adopted and are both aware that our friendships again are changing radically. It was good insight for me about how completely absorbed I have needed to be, and the impact on those around me.

All the above posts have been really useful as I'm in a similar position but there are no other children involved. It has certainly shown me that I need to do a lot more thinking before I decide to take this further. I am certainly not unaware of how much energy and hard work it would take and that my focus would need to be on the child completely.