Edited 17/02/2021
The Journey and advice to parents of birth children who want to adopt
pepper25
February 8, 2013 12:20
Well what a journey it has been, nearly 3 years and yes I can say now that it has been worth it.I know we are still on our journey and have a long road to walk.Being parents to birth children and deciding to adopt was a massive decision to make and after long long talks we decided it was what we wanted.Our process was very intense, more than what we bargained for. What a learning curve as well.They say that going through an adoption process is a rolla-coaster and they are not wrong, it truly is.With already being parent to our birth children, you kind of build a picture in your mind of what your adopted child will be like, based on your own knowledge of what it is like to have a child. All I can say is that the process that we went through, opened our eyes to what kind of children are in the system, but deep down you think no the child we will have wont have as many needs!!how wrong we were.We where matched with the most beautiful little girl and at first we were on the understanding that there was a moderate delay.Well our journey has been hard and we are now in a place were all the seeds we planted are now coming to bloom.This is now, in the first 6 months I was thinking and saying to my hubby, is this too much for us.I couldn''t understand why I was feeling this way and that although I cared and nurtured our DD, I never had the bond and love that I had with my birth children. I remember one day walking on the beach with my hubby and our DD and she was running ahead playing and I was crying because I felt guilty to our birth children who were in school at the time. I was desperate to love our DD but at first didn''t feel the same love as what I had for our birth children. That was then, this is now I finally can say that our bond has grown and is so strong that my heart aches for our DD, I love her as much as our birth children. I''m so glad that the bond finally came, we feel although she is adopted she is our blood deep down and always will be.We have a long road to go but she is doing so well.My advice is to parents of birth children who adopt, it is not easy as you already have an expectation based on your own children, and you go through so many emotions, some guilt. But hang in there and plant your seeds and watch them grow.
jmk
February 8, 2013 12:49
What a fabulous post Thanks for taking the time to post this Pepper25, I'm sure it will be of great benefit and hope to those of you who have both BC and AC.I was kind of in this situation. I had a BC who lived until he was 15months old and I can honestly say I love my ADD's just as much as I loved him. I tell them that the two happiest days of my life were, the day their brother was born, and the day I first set my eyes on them as they peeped out from behind their FC's sofa and looked up at me with their big brown eyes. It was love at first sight for me.
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Fruitbat
February 8, 2013 13:16
Pepper25, thank you so much for that wonderful post! I'm just beginning the journey myself - waiting to be able to submit the formal application in June - and I lie awake some nights wondering what I think I'm doing. I love my BD to distraction and I worry about two things in the main: (1) what sort of upheaval I'm bringing down on her head, and (2) whether I could ever love an AC as much as I love her. Your post has gone a long, long way to reassuring me on both counts, and I'm having a little lip wobble as I type! Thank you
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FutureMumofTwo
February 8, 2013 18:36
Another big thank you for writing this post! We are nearing the end of our assessment and it's becoming very real that one day in the future there WILL be an AC added our family. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes the future feel less daunting. FMO2 x
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Dusty
February 8, 2013 21:18
Thank you so much for sharing. Our BC has many issues and needs, so in a strange way we have really enjoyed the whole process and journey of adoption as our LO's needs are refreshingly different. I know it is not easy for everyone, but we have loved every minute (well almost). As we are used to taking one day at a time with our BC it is no different now we have another LO. We only wished we had made the decision to adopt many years before but then we would not have our LO, so I guess it was meant to be!
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Kipling
February 8, 2013 22:27
What an uplifting post. We are halfway through the assessment process due to go to panel in June. We have a perfect bc a little girl aged 5 who is totally on board. However there isn't a day that passes when we don't question ourselves and what we were doing . . . Is this total disruption worth it and can we ever live another child like we love our bc?Reading your post gives me hope that the love will come . . It might not be instant but will grow to the same deep love that we already feel for our daughter. Thank you and best wishesX
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pepper25
February 8, 2013 23:11
Thank you all for your wonderful replies to my post.I wish you all the best wishes on your journey.All my love Pepper XX
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Pesto Princess
March 5, 2013 15:57
Just wanted to say thank you for your post, and what a relief to read it. You have written exactly what I'm worrying about. We have a beautiful, fabulous ds and I worry constantly whether adopting will have an adverse affect on him. Reading that you and others worry about the same issues and that it is all worth it at the end has helped. I look at our son and I'm so scared it will make him miserable, even though there will be a 9 year age gap so i dont think it will be as difficult as it would if he was younger. anyway, your post was very encouraging so thank you for that. Mrs S
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salt123
March 7, 2013 12:19
ooo just what I needed to hear! thank you soo much. We have just been approved so matching is going to begin, and if Im honest lots of WTF moments aghhhhh! Im thinking seeing profiles will confirm yes, its the right thing, so thank you
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cakelady
March 17, 2013 21:27
Me too, thank you! I have such a good set up with my bs and question what I'm doing everyday but this has helped so much x x x
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Chaumi
March 18, 2013 00:07
So good to read that so many others fear the same thing - the impact on our birth child and the not having the same feelings of love for the adopted child. We've been approved and waiting for a year and a half so there's been so much time to worry!! Thank you x
Edited 17/02/2021
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