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Helpless and heartbroken - support please !
serendipity-
March 31, 2018 13:29
Hello !! I find myself again feeling exhausted, deflated and completely at a loss ... We have a 7 yo ad, she joined our family (no other children) when she was 19 months old, having been fostered from 2 months after her young birth parents were unable to cope (violent and aggressive to each other). It became quickly apparent that we had gained strong willed, very intelligent and witty little girl, bringing lots of joy but also strong behaviours from day 1. These traits have continued and is developing into an extremely well articulated, clever (exceeds in all areas at school), popular and confident child. Her growing self confidence has brought stronger and more difficult to manage behaviour problems - she is controlling and defiant, and in the last year or so has developed strong temper issues, can be destructive and at times physically aggressive, with a constant need for attention. At school, she is generally well behaved and as I say academically outstanding, she loves going to school, however her angry, controlling tendencies have been apparent there too - recently biting another child, throwing scissors etc. My OH and I realised that these behaviours etc were getting bigger than we could handle so we contacted SS, who have arranged some DDP therapy. This began a few months ago, therapist met with us initially then us as a family, she then completed the assessment with ad and has recommended the DDP therapeutic approach. She believes ad early life traumas are the reason behind her behaviours. The sessions would be initially with me and my OH to look at our self care then begin the family sessions. As a family we are dealing with quite a "life situations" and on top of that ad was diagnosed with a life threatening illness at 2yo which requires care/attention constantly, so our own "self care" is often difficult to achieve/overlooked. Therapist is reluctant to begin work as a family until she knows we are strong enough as a couple to be able to undertake it. I completely understand this and the reasoning behind it, but ... the situations we are dealing with as a family/ad health etc etc are not going to get any easier anytime soon and ad behaviours etc are getting more difficult to manage. I find myself crying most days, with little energy and motivation - treading through treacle, avoiding as many egg shells as possible. I've become unrecognisable to the person I was (physically and emotionally) and if I am totally honest I miss my old life ... Does anyone out there have any encouraging words and success stories ? Signed Feeling desperate and useless.
aquilegia
March 31, 2018 14:02
Don't want to read and run. Your situation is like ours was in many respects last year but we are in a very different more positive place now. Will pm you later as want to reply without rushing. Take care
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serendipity-
March 31, 2018 14:16
Thank you for replying, I really look forward to your pm later.
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Bakergirl
March 31, 2018 14:20
Are you a member of the national association of therapeutic parenting. It is founded by Sarah Naish who wrote therapeutic parenting in a nutshell. It is a fab resource for training, peer to support and general advice. You can join the therapeutic parents Facebook page without being a member and you will find you will get a lot of support and knowledge from that alone but after reading it for a while you may well want to join the NATP.
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serendipity-
March 31, 2018 14:25
Thank you Bakergirl, bizarrely I have just watched a couple of Sarah's you tube videos !! I will join the FB page ... sounds like a good starting place.
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shadow
March 31, 2018 14:28
sending a hug - sounds very hard - my DD was very difficult for all the years she was at home - she is now an adult of 20 and living away from age 16 and we have a great relationship - not a normal life for her as she is housebound with anxiety and was failed by childrens SS and CAMHS - but we survived as a family
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BlueBoo
April 2, 2018 11:32
Hi, I just wanted to add that if you are crying often, lacking energy and motivation it sounds like you may be depressed. Can you get to a GP to get yourself some support, whether it's medication or talking therapy? Adoption takes everything out of us and I doubt you have any time for self-care, so it is understandable that you are struggling to motivate yourself. None of us is super-human, however hard we try, and we have to look after ourselves in order to be strong enough to look after our LOs. Sorry, I've just realised that you were looking for success stories - I'm not sure I count as one of those, and I certainly haven't been through anything like what you describe (yet), but I did get prescribed antidepressants and have had a lot of counselling which I am sure prevented me from disrupting in the early days and helps me deal with all the 'stuff' now.
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Donatella
April 2, 2018 12:08
I suppose our story could be considered a success but Iâm always reluctant to speak too soon. My children are now 17, 14 and 12. 17 year old in sixth form, lovely sensible girlfriend, nice friends etc. My 14 year old - adhd, ASD, excluded from mainstream at 6, 4 years in a PRU, now in special ed - is doing very well. Flying academically after not even being able to learn until he was 9. Just received his schoolâs head teacher award for achievement, choosing to do triple science and art GCSEs! My 12 year old - also ASD and in special ed - also doing really well now that sheâs in the right provision. But itâs been a long journey, itâs been hard work, Iâm still a sahm. Itâs working at the moment but itâs meant appointments galore, itâs meant therapy, medication, never ending battles with education, training, reading, researching, attending auk conferences ... none of it just happened. Itâs been a full time job. Itâs meant adapting and changing the way I parent. Itâs meant parenting each child according to their individual needs. Itâs meant acceptance that itâs not how I imagined parenting would be but it is what it is. The old Italy v Holland analogy! Itâs a rocky road and even when you think youâve fixed one thing, something else will bite you in the bum. Youâre in it for the long haul! For us, understanding the behaviour was important. Understanding that behaviour is language is key - figuring out what your childâs behaviour is telling you is not easy but work on the emotions, the underlying reasons for the behaviour rather than the behaviour itself.
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Donatella
April 2, 2018 12:28
Ps - I should also add that I really struggle with the positive/success story requests because that implies that other stories are negative/unsuccessful. And I donât believe that to be the case. Adoptive parenting is a marathon not a sprint, all kids are different, we are all different. Outcomes may be different but that doesnât make those stories negative or the adoption unsuccessful. But also one personâs positive may be a negative for someone else. I guess not everyone would consider two children with autism, statemented and in special ed to be a success or a positive?
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white christmas
April 2, 2018 12:58
Looking at self care as a couple sounds a good start for therapy which should enable you to be onboard with the DDP therapy with your AD. Our DDP sessions with AD, then aged 18, were the best type of therapy we have witnessed so far. It was hard but not harder than the day to day fallout from early life trauma. AFter a couple of sessions just for myself and my husband, we attended all DDP sessions to ground our daughter but did not speak or move unless prompted by the therapist to do so. Not responding was tricky but it did help our AD in her focused responses to the therapist and she did seem much more relieved or settled within herself after each session. Our AD already had formed a positive, close bond with the therapist before starting the DDP as the same individual had worked on sharing part of her social services file, so it may take a while for your AD to bond and trust the therapist but I would recommend it for the long term. Our AD had to break off DDP after making good progress due to her very complex issues impacting again but we are going to restart DDP or EMDR as soon as we can. It is and has been a long, hard healing process and I am not sure where we are in that 'journey' but we have seen positive differences which have enabled our AD to reflect on the causes of her pain and to want to break behaviour patterns. I have learned that change does occur even when you cannot see any possibility that anything will ever change and that there is always something positive even in the direst of times. My life is also unrecognisable in many ways and I cannot even believe that I have lived through some of this stuff, enough for a few lifetimes, but I grab bits of my 'old life' and I make the most of them whilst finding the best bits of my new life and cherishing them. Sometimes, unless exhausted, attitude is the key to balance. Another day is sometimes another attitude or at least a chance at better sleep. Meanwhile avoid resentment at change as it makes difficulties seem much worse. Sorry for going on. I am not the fount of all knowledge but I have felt a lot of what you are feeling.
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safia
April 2, 2018 14:41
I was going to say try and get some counselling for yourself even if the therapist is not ready to start - it might just help get you to that point and help with coping with all your day to day stuff. It's not just the adoption but the medical side of things - what support have you had for that? On the positive - my daughter was also very angry - used to throw things a lot - when she started secondary (special school) they gave her anger management when she threw a hole punch at another pupil. It really helped. She has not had therapy till recently - although she had some group art therapy at school too - it's a specialist service for those with learning difficulties who've experienced trauma and it's really helpful - she is 22 - as someone said it's a marathon not a sprint but we are getting there I think. My daughter also has ADHD which wasn't recognised officially until she was 19 and which she takes medication for - as well as other diagnoses - but that has really helped too
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Vester
April 9, 2018 19:59
Do you have any family or friends that can babysit or spend time with your LO even for a couple of hours so you and hubby can have some much needed couple time? I know its not always easy to leave a child with someone, we only have my parents, but it is really important you invest in your relationship so you are strong as a couple for whatever life throws at you. Self care has to be given top priority, it's taken me nearly 10 years to get this into my head and is often a struggle to fit in so I totally get how hard it is. Whether our story will be a 'success' or not is hard to know at the moment, it currently is in my mind because we are still a family and I am doing everything I can to keep us that way, though who knows what the future holds? My son suffered neglect and abuse as a baby and young toddler, then only basic care in FC. He has been controlling, defiant, rejecting and downright challenging since day 1. However it was less obvious or easier to manage when he was an only child...all hell broke loose the day our second child came home and 6.5 years on it is still very difficult, he is impulsive and often in survival mode so we have to supervise him very closely to avoid our younger child getting hurt. He is very critical of her, transferring his feelings of being bad onto her and us as much as he can. Three years ago, at our wits end, he was medicated and it was the best thing we could have done; we wouldn't be a family now if we hadn't. Almost 10 years in I can honestly say, while its far from what I hoped family life would be, its better than it was and he does have an attachment to me. He still continues to reject my husband and has made it very clear he would prefer his Dad and Sister to not live with us :( It has taken a huge toll on my husband and there was a time when I thought our marriage wasn't going to survive but we got through that and are stronger than ever in many ways.
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Swimchic
June 17, 2018 20:28
Apologies, I've only just seen this. How are you doing? We adopted dd at just 4 years old. Numerous moves before coming home. Last year was a nightmare. Daily controlling tantrums, constant talking, wouldn't leave me alone. I was at the end of my tether, bitterly unhappy and exhausted. I finally got help with getting a referral to the GP. Long story short, she was referred to a Paediatrician and was diagnosed with ADHD, FAsd. We think she may have autism too. Once the medical issues were sorted, I then spoke to my adoption support team and through the adoption support fund, she had life story work. It lasted eight months. She got on really well with the worker. The combination of the two have helped her so much. She still has outbursts, due to the adhd. But she takes daily medication and the improvement has been huge. She also trains in martial arts three times a week, dos drumming which helps her regulate and swims. She is a much happier child and home is a much happier place. I wish you well. xxx
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