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Birth family

Coley91 November 6, 2020 11:59

My Lo is 4 years old and I have introduced thier family book and they are leaning about thier birth family. Just recently they have been saying I want birth mummy I want birth daddy , or if they are not happy they will say I'm gonna tell my birth mummy and daddy.

Just wondered if anyone else has had this, if it's expected and how to help them.


Edited 17/02/2021
Serrakunda27 November 6, 2020 20:33


Did they talk about birth family before you showed them the book?

To be honest I think 4 is way too young to be sitting down with a book. They obviously know they are adopted but thats a huge concept to take in at 4. Put the book to one side, somewhere they can see it and look at if they want to and be led by them, responding to questions at their own pace.

Edited 17/02/2021
Serrakunda27 November 6, 2020 20:40

Sorry I clicked too soon and couldnt edit my post.

It is very difficult to know how to approach all of this stuff and sometimes it is just trial and error. Don’t feel you have to do anything to a particular timescale - take your lead from them.

Edited 17/02/2021
chestnuttree November 7, 2020 17:12

Hi, there is a Holly van Gulden book called "Real parents, real children" which explains how children understand and react to adoption at different ages. It is very helpful.

I would read adoption stories with your child like A Mother for Choco, Flora's Family, The Big Book of Families, Todd Parr books, etc. and make him aware of similarities. Like that you introduce the concept but in a way that is positive and that he understands.

Edited 17/02/2021
Coley91 November 7, 2020 22:10

Hi ,

Thank you for your replies, I will have a look for those books , they love books so will be hopefully a positive start . And thank you I suppose I didn't know the correct time so wanted to slowly introduce pictures.

Edited 17/02/2021
Bee November 9, 2020 11:26


We have a BC (older) and an AC.

When BC used to get frustrated or angry, he used to say things like 'You're a mean mummy' or 'My friends Mum doesn't make him do this' ..... you get the idea.

When our AC gets frustrated or stressed out they say things like 'My birth mum would have let me do this I wish I was there instead of here' or 'I hate you and I wish I could live in another family as you are horrid'!

These are both words of children who are angry or frustrated, but BD would never have thought of saying he wanted to live elsewhere as where else would he go? He only ever had one family...the grass is always greener and for BC that was , at the time of his frustration, his friend's mum. For AC its a whole other family that he has very little memory of (taken into care at aged 1 and then fostered for well over a year before joining our family), but its a get out, or a thing to throw at you to vent frustration at the situation. I think that the more 'nasty' the comment that the more frustrated AC must be.

AC has told me recently that I am the best Mum in the world and he is so glad that we are his family (melty heart xx)... but its only a matter of time before he tells me he hates me again and wants to go back to BM 'where I was happy'.

Kids are kids, I think the insults or mean words the chose to say are just based on their experiences to date. I try not to think about the words they are saying (as I'd end up in floods of tears sometimes) but try and remind myself that they are venting their stress, anxiety, anger, frustration etc and that if I can act calmly to it I am showing them that their feeling is fine, and I am not rising to the bait. .....and maybe have a good cry later in the privacy of the loo!


Edited 17/02/2021
Coley91 November 10, 2020 11:17

Thank you , will try and not take it personally and remain calm and be there for them.

Edited 17/02/2021


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