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Hi Mandolin

its a common age for our children to start getting a bit 'feisty ' Its interesting that she is talking about the right to be heard and listened to I wonder if thats a reflection of something deeper and more complex than day to day stuff. She may also be testing you.

My son became very difficult at this age. Foe me it was quite clear that it was stemming from birth family issues and him trying to work things out. We ended up having theraputic life story work, it was very tough but he came through it a very mature and grounded young man and at 15 he seems to be very settled with life. He's still a typical teen in many ways but I don't have any worries about him going off the rails, and to be honest, he's a lot less trouble than some of my friends teens, adopted and not adopted.

I know you have been through the teen thing before but puberty does seem to be starting earlier these days, particularly with girls somI wouldnt rule that out as being part of it. But I would also trust that gut instinct and maybe look at some theraputic input

Firstly children become more aware of how the world works etc at that age so start reflecting on what others do and why etc. Exacerbated by early trauma where they feel more unsure of their identity and less aligned to that of their adoptive parents.

Secondly, listening isn't the same as acting on what you hear. My now 14 yo started complaining we don't listen. Try to listen and reflect back what she has said / is feeling etc without necessarily promising anything or trying to solve any problems she has. It's hard because as a parent we're programmed to help. But sometimes they just need their feelings acknowledged. (We had parent counselling which focused very much on this- it does help!)

Thirdly the getting stuck in a mood. Staying calm is always good but sometimes they need help to move on. Even with my teen a bit of distraction can work or simply jollying her along like you might a younger child. Maybe a bit of babying in general to make them feel safe too. So mine will ask for help with the simplest task and if she's becoming dysregulated, its best to go along with it rather than stick to any expectation that she can do it herself.

Thanks both for great practical advice, feeling reassured and ready to put some of your thoughts and ideas into practice when the need next arises as I’m sure it will ! X

Hormones affect kids from quite an early age as they are in the body a while before the physical affects are obvious - so it is likely a factor. I think her saying people aren’t listening to her is maybe something different than superficial issues - the ones she’s arguing about. Adopted children have had no say in what has happened to them in the past so can often feel powerless - though they wouldn’t necessarily recognise this themselves or be able to articulate this. Has she had life story work? If not it may be a good time to do this. It might be worth contacting PAS and asking for an assessment. Apart from that - as Millie suggests - reflecting back her feeling to her and acknowledging these - rather than trying to “solve” her issue / complaint might be the way to approach it meanwhile