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Hi Gizmo and Nala,

I didn’t just want to read your post and run. I’m so sorry to hear all you are going through. I would like to think this isn’t the norm. It is ridiculous to lead you along like that especially when the child’s SW should have cleared up any doubts they had in the beginning Sorry for the way you’ve been treated. We went through a similar thing. We were put forward for 3 different children and were rejected quite early on. One of which we met the child’s SW and felt really positive about it and the SW seemed keen. We were kept waiting for weeks before the rejection was given. We are lucky though as we didn’t know much about the children.

My advice to you is don’t lose hope. Is it worth contesting the decision (if it’s even possible)? I would certainly make my feelings clear. I hope things work out for you. Don’t give up. Your little one is just around the corner

Hi Gizmo and Nala,

I would say that this is probably very common. I think Social Workers see prospective adopters as a resource and nothing more - and they certainly don't take your feelings into account. My husband and I waited over a year to be matched and during that time we were turned down for a number of children on very flimsy grounds - for one child because our house was too clean, another because we had friends in Woking and the child had birth relatives in Wokingham and so there was a risk that we might bump into them (obviously they were not very good at geography!) For one child who we were selected for the family finders refused to answer any of our questions because we were not their preferred couple!! Friends of mine were turned down for a child because they were too middle class and one social worker told my friend (who is mixed race) that they felt she wasn't sufficiently aware of her colour!!( i kid you not!!) When we were eventually matched with our daughter it was a competitive match with two other couples involved and they informed us that they would be making the decision of who to go with on a particular day and on that day i was in bits, sitting by the phone all day waiting for a call - nothing came and i was devastated thinking we hadn't been chosen. Our social worker had tried calling the family finders to get information but had had no reply. We were told the next day that the meeting had not gone ahead because someone was ill - yet no one had bothered to let any of the families know. During all the various meeting in preparation for matching panel we were expected to fit around their time scale and availability and if we couldn't then we were accused of not putting the needs of the child first!!! I could go on and on.

I understand how much it all hurts i really do. The waiting period really is a huge rollercoaster ride of emotion - we went from one disappointment to the next - to picking ourselves up again only to have our hopes raised and then be dashed again. It really isn't for the faint hearted! But remember your child is out there somewhere and you will find each other. Go to all the open days that the authorities hold - we found our daughter at one of these - go armed with your profile and shove it in the face of every family finder that you see. Try and stay positive (hard as it is) and use the time to do all the reading that you can - on attachment, adhd, learning difficulties, ASD, FASD, etc. On the prospective adopters board on the thread about connecting with others, Donatella gives a list of very good reading material and of the issues which you could face with any adopted child. So use the time to educate yourself about the possible issues you may face and accept that Social Workers are not the most sensitive of people and try not to take their decisions personally.

best wishes xx

Hi PaintedLady,

Thank you for your post. It is a difficult situation, and your story does give us hope. I am pleased to hear that you had a positive outcome, We have decided to take the issue up with the organisation concerned, as we do not feel we were treated fairly. We don't expect that the situation will change, and we decided to do this in the hope that others are less likely to be affected by this situation. I have had a positive reception to our concerns so far, however I will be interested in seeing if this continues.

Overall, we have to keep going, and hope that our family is just out there waiting for us to find them.

Gizmo and Nala

Your family certainly is waiting out there but you deserve an explanation - you also need to know if there are things about your application that you could change to give yourselves a better chance. Like having feedback following a job interview - so I think you should concentrate on getting that. But also being able to give them feedback about how the process has been for you - expressing your feelings fully in a constructive way could help you move forward

Hi Windfalls,

I would have to say, I would agree with you based on our experiences. I have called organisations where we have had expressed interests and waited weeks for any response. The general attitude seems to be "who are you" and "why are you calling if you aren't a social worker". The reasons we get from different authorities seem contradictory and judgmental. One authority is happy that my husband isn't working at the moment, but for another it's a major issue. Some will engage with you to a degree, others want to pass smoke signals through your SW to communicate. We understand that they need to act in the best interests of the child/children, however I feel there must be a way of doing this that allows some sort of consistency.

My husband has done a lot of the optional additional training courses offered by our authority, and these have covered a lot of the issues that you have mentioned, however we do continue to try to keep our selves up to date with adoptive related material.

Gizmo and Nala

Sadly, what you've described is pretty normal. There is no consistency in the system, each LA has their own way of doing things, so even if you take things on board from your recent experience the next social worker may well turn you down just because you're now heeding previous advice - when they would have been happier with you as you presented yourselves before. You can only plod on, but please be aware that once your child/ren are placed, this is how things are going to continue if and when you require support. Be prepared for having to fight for basic and absolutely necessary support and intervention which may never be forthcoming. And view your potential ability to look after a child and meet their needs accordingly. If you feel you cannot make it by yourselves, maybe not go ahead.

We were turned down numerous times last minute, it hurts so much. I get that and I feel for you. You will get there in the end. And that will just be the beginning of a rollercoaster journey through life. Look after yourselves and tbh I would not waste my energy on letting them know because it is unlikely they will change their protocol. As sad as that is. They may nod their heads and write a placating email if you're lucky. Concentrate on your goal and move on.