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Have sent you a pm.Queenie

Hi there,I also have ME/CFS and am looking into adoption. Can you tell me of your experiences and questions you got asked? And how long did you leave it between being diagnosed and adopting? I have had CFS for 2 years but am doing much better now - back to work etc but don't want this to be a barrier.ThanksSmilee x

I think you need to demonstrate what strategies you can out into place to ensure the children remain stable even if you become unwell.Also exhaustion and adoption go hand in hand. Adopted children are wired up through trauma for 100mlh living This is very tiring to parent then you need to do relationship things, do an interest to help avoid secondary trauma plus lots of appointments for the child like therapy, Camhs and mess clearing up...These are not insurmountable things I thinkBut you need to be crystal clear if x haPpens we do x

Hi Smilee,Sorry for the delay in replying. I contacted social services in February 2010. During the call mentioned I had M.E and the response was very negative. A social worker called round to meet my husband and me and to give us some more information. I explained how my illness affected me and she said she couldn't see it being a problem but suggested we have our medicals done first so that any problem would show up at the beginning rather than at the end of assessment. My GP's report was good and the county's Medical Advisor had no issues either so we began assessment. My husband and I wanted to adopt two siblings and we were told this was fine. By this point our initial SW had left and we had a second SW who also felt this wouldn't be a problem. We went to Panel in May 2011 and were prepared to be questioned about my health. The Panel grilled me about my M.E and how I would cope. (Managing energy levels.) I have had M.E for many years and cope with it well. I've also looked after my nephew since he was six months old and have a great deal of experience dealing with children of all ages. (I was a teacher before my illnes as well) My husband felt useless as all the questions were directed at me. I found it a very intimidating experience. Apparently it provoked much discussion but we were told that our application was approved for one child only between the ages of 2 and 6. It was a disappointment and a shock to our SW who said she hadn't seen it coming. Since then we've been rejected several times because individual SWs think they know better than the Panel. Only one came out to see us. Most refuse our SW's invitation to meet us.I hope this answers your questions. I wouldn't give up. You may have more joy than we have. I think it may depend on where you live. We live in hope of finding one SW who won't have an issue with it.Best of luck.

Hi ippyalthough it must have been disappointing about the sibling adoption- I have to tell you that approval for one child at a time is very likely the best way forward.tbh, for 100% super fit parents 1 traumatised child to 2 adults is a very tough call.there is a lot of research on this and actually a current thread on prospective adopters on this.I think is a shame you felt grilled when actually its going to be both of you doing this together- it does show a lack of understanding on behalf of the panel about the reality of living with a person with a chronic condition. you live WITH it.thats the point!have you approached about any children yet?

Hi Pear Tree,We've been linked with about five children now. One SW came out to see us then turned us down for a variety of reasons, my health and an awkward silence at the meeting being two of them. The list of reasons felt like excuses. We didn't feel she took to us the moment she stepped through the door. Every other SW has refused our SW's offer to come and meet us. Our Sw has tried to explain that their issues could be resolved by meeting us but they've refused.We tried to explain at Panel that there are two of us in this relationship and we work well together, that I wasn't going to be me dealing with everything singlehandedly. I've lived with M.E for a long time now and live a fairly normal life. I think part of the problem was that the Medical Advisor who approved our application to start had left and the new Doctor wasn't as supportive.We were disappointed about adopting siblings as both my husband and I are very close to our siblings and we didn't want any child of ours to grow up on their own. It also felt like a one shot deal as we're both going to be mid forties by the time we adopt now and give this child two or three years to settle. At the moment getting someone to accept us is the biggest challenge.

sent you a pmducks

that must feel like a lot of knock backs and I wonder if its worth having a frank discussion about the realities of why you aren't being successful.At least then there would be something positive to work on. It must feel awful to be knocked back with no real reason.I do understand wanting to complete your family in the one go and wanting siblings but there is some misunderstanding here about the reality of adopting siblings.They are often children who have survived despite one another and don't therefore have the settled, positive bond that other children who haven't come through trauma have done. trauma bonds are pretty frequent in kids who have come through loss and trauma to the point that they have had to be adopted outside of their BF. If you have understood this, and I have got the wrong end of the stick, I'm sorry but its not coming across and that's perhaps something to positively address.I adopted a sibling pair. I'm a person with a chronic illness that was well controlled at the time. I had no real understanding of trauma or attachment or why it might be important and was told that basically all these things were fixed by adoption. They were wrong. I was also told by placing workers that the children had a very strong attachment and actually that meant they "seem to generally get on" which isnt attachment at all. I have 3 smashing children now, but I would not recommend ANYONE taking on more than 1 traumatised child at a time. Would the SW's be keener with more experience for example?I wonder about the scenarios they are concerned about? Like if you are ill? perhaps you could say do an extra bit of paperwork like Scenario 1- You are ill. DH works from home and Your sister brings in the shopping. your friend brings the child home from school and helps him use the walking bus.Scenario 2- DH is ill. Your child is feeling very wobbly because they are afraid when men are ill. You ring AUK Buddy and chat through things. You take AC to supermarket to get DH max strength lemon paracetamol stuff. You keep ACs routine as "normal" as possible.Scenario 3- Child is ill all night and DH is at work. Rest as much as possible with the child and if they sleep YOU sleep when DH is home all go to bed...Scenario 4- The washing machine leaked, cat been sick, child freaking out and DH is in Spain on business. I would do.. (BREATHE! Use Bryan Post technique...etc)Scenario 5- You have to give up work to spend your time at home and you need something to stop you going bonkers.... (Take up Yoga again etc)See what I mean? Give a go anyway!Good LuckDont give up. Keep well in eating and lifestyle and that will impress them too.Your flexible "can do" attitude to living with a chronic condition can be a real strength living with a child who hurts.Pear treePS Dont worry too much on the age thing. Its roughly 45yrs between your age and the childs. that seems to be flexible in VAs and some LAs.