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Hi Apollo, congratulations on your new son.

It's still such early days, add in all the pressures of a pandemic, it's not surprising you feel a bit discombobulated.

It could be PAD, it could be burnout, it could be any of those things you mentioned. You say he's adorable and you can't imagine life without him , that's really positive.

I think adopters put a lot of pressure on themselves to fall instantly in love, but really why should you? I certainly didn't. I think what matters now is your commitment to him.

Cut yourself some slack, it's ok to feel that some aspects of parenting are quite frankly boring and tedious. Take your time to get to know him, talk to your partner and trusted friends. The feelings will come over time

Hi Appollo,

I don't think you are suffering from post adoption depression, although it is something which you should keep under review. This has been a huge transition for you all and it will take time to adjust to your new normal. You are only 8 weeks in and it is still very early days and no doubt you are physically and mentally exhausted from it all. I found the transition time very stressful and emotionally and physically exhausting and it takes time to recover just from that. On top of that getting used to having to care for a new child, the feeding, washing and ironing of clothes, the increased levels of housework which come with a new child as well as having to get up in the night - are all physically exhausting as well and it takes time to adjust to this too.

Also I think you have set your expectations very high. I think you fell in love with the "idea" of having a child and being a mum - and have found that the reality is somewhat very different. It will take you time to develop your bond with you son and indeed to fall in love with him and yes until that happens (and it will) you will feel just like a child minder - and there is nothing wrong with that. Your goal should be to be the best childminder you can be whilst your feelings for him develop. So stop being so hard on yourself. You can still rush to him when he falls over out of concern for a child that could be injured, like you would do for any child - you don't need to feel maternal love to do that.

One part of your post stands out and does sound some alarm bells and that is your son prefers your partner to you. I am assuming here that your partner is male as you have not made that clear. Mums to an adopted child can be scary things - in that he has learned that mums can leave you and are not to be trusted. So he is scared to show any feelings for you in case this happens again. It is so much easier to show love and affection to the Dad as they are less important than the mum/child bond. So his barriers are up were you are concerned and it will take a lot of effort on your part to help him start to trust you, and this is something which will not happen overnight. So you need to put your personal feelings to one side (it is not you he is rejecting but who you represent) and look at this logically and objectively and decide on a strategy for you both to start building attachment and bonds. So get out in the fresh air as much as possible - play football with him, go for walks, take him on his scooter etc. Spend time playing with him in the house - playing cars, trains ( I have done my fair share of doing all of the Thomas the tank engine voices over the years!!). You need to spend as much time with him as possible - and only you and don't leave him with anyone other than your partner, and you may have to do this for years - you need to show him that he can trust you and the only way you can do that is by being with him. It is a very intensive way to parent, but nobody ever said that this was going to be easy. If he refuses any hugs from you, then just stroke his hand for now whilst telling him how much you love him. There was a saying on this boards amongst experienced adopters- and that was "fake it until you make it". So tell him that you love him even if you don't mean it. One day you will find that you do actually mean it.

There are lots of books out there about creating bonds/attachment - the names of which all escape me for now but I am sure others will come along and give you some examples. There is one children's book that I absolutely love, and it is not a professional book, and it is "Monkey puzzle" by Julia Donaldson and it is about a little monkey who has lost his mum and a butterfly helps him to find her. It reinforces the importance of the mum/child bond and also covers the issue of children not always looking like their parents. It is an excellent book which you may want to get and start reading to him regularly.

So stop worrying about what you do or don't feel and just start to enjoy his company. You are the only one that can help him to trust you and he really does need you to succeed at this because everyone needs their mum!!

best wishesxx

It"s quite common not to be madly in love right from the start. You speak very warmly of him, which is great. It will come. As others have said: your whole life has been turned upside down in the midst of a pandemic, the fc sounds absolutely horrible and your partner has an easier time. That's tough. It took one of my daughters months until she drew a picture of our family which included my husband and more months until she hugged him. It was tough for him, but now she favours him and he would die for her. You are at the very beginning of this journey. Give yourself time.

I think as new parents we put ourselves under far too much pressure to be perfect instant parents. ( I was exhausted during the first year of our eldest's adoption, trying to be a perfect mum, I remember my social worker once saying, "you know its okay for them to eat turkey dinosaurs, stay in their pj's all day and the house not to be spotless".

It takes time, you have a little stranger living in your house and it takes time to get to know them and them you.

My little one was placed in February and instantly fell in love with daddy, it was all "daddy daddy daddy", which does get to you after a while. Once daddy returned to work he instantly was all "mama mama" but is absolutely delighted when daddy returns home.

With both our adoptions it has taken my husband longer to adjust and love the little ones. It will come with time and don't worry about it. You didn't instantly fall in love with your partner ,did you? It takes time.

I think the fact you've recognised the feelings shows what a good parent you are, now is time to enjoy your time together and slowly build the attachment.

With the foster carer, she either has a dry sense of humour or nasty, its hard to know.I found while our foster carer was the most wonderful carer in the world, she was very indecisive a lot of the time and changed things throughout introductions, at first it really got to me and I thought she was being purposefully awkward,but the more I got to know her, I realised she was just trying her hardest and wasn't very good at decision making.