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Update!

We've since found a video of him wearing the bra (upside down, it was strapless) with socks stuffed in, and putting on a top of mine that we didn't know he'd taken.

I'm honestly not sure what to do at all.

Oh dear.

A few things. Why were the police involved when he was viewing porn? Given that it’s so easily accessible now and it’s, sadly, not uncommon for children to access and view porn ... there may be other reasons? Given that there was police involvement, what work has been done with him on appropriate boundaries? Has there been any therapeutic support - in school, outside school etc? And btw, how was he able to access porn at school? Kids don’t have access to school Wi-fi in my kids school ... and if he was using school equipment, where were their security settings?

PDA can be tricky to manage. My daughter is PDA - it can look like deliberate behaviour, it can appear manipulative but in reality most of their behaviour is driven by huge anxiety. And, of course, it can also mean that those kids simply don’t understand adult/child hierarchies. What your partner says may be the case ... or it may simply be that he doesn’t see you as being in a position of authority? Not his dad’s equal, but way beneath him - and possibly the boys - in the pecking order?

What strategies do you both use to manage their behaviour? Do you work co-operatively? What support are you getting? What support are they getting?

Hi Donatella

The oldest was actually in trouble with the police for stealing snacks and drinks from a shop,and we spoke to the police about the wider picture of stealing and the concerns we had because we didn't think a five minute standard "don't do it again" would suffice, so that's how they got involved. They promised SW would get in touch but they never did despite chasing.

He managed to look at porn via Pinterest because apparently that's a loophole the school didn't know about, he had boards for boobs and bums and some more hard core stuff which was quite shocking. I reported it to Pinterest but don't think they took it down, but school did ban it.

For PDA, we only found out it even existed about a week ago and are hoping to get a referral next week to a specialist to get a proper diagnosis, but the description couldn't be more perfect for him. We're hoping we can find some strategies for helping and supporting and avoiding meltdowns etc but at this point we don't know enough.

We work cooperatively and always make sure we're not undermining eachother. We get no support at all except from eachother, and the oldest gets counselling at school but the youngest is officially without diagnosis and we've found getting support really difficult. SS have referred us to a charity last week for disabled children but it doesn't feel like the right solution