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Memories
pingu123
May 10, 2013 23:56
I have been listening to some work colleagues recently talking about how much kids remember from their early years interestingly some, who had disrupted childhoods were quite adamant that being separated from BMW at 3 or 4 years old they did not remember her several years later didn''t know what she looked like any more, and didn''t recognise or feel any attachment for her.This struck me ,because we as adopters are always given the impression that birth family, particularly mother, are "in with the bricks" so to speak.My colleagues did agree that kids with past trauma will remember things because of the emotions, but happy children as some of them were, they reckoned would remember less because of few bad memories or high stress situations to remember.Not sure about all this, it goes against all I have heard or read in adoption circles, ( primal wounds etc) but thought it interesting enough to mention to you folks.
inthishouse
May 11, 2013 08:15
Intersting thought Pingu. My oh always says to me, nobody remembers mediocre. And to be honest when I look back at my childhood there aren't many memories. We never went on holiday or had mini adventures. It wasnt A bad childhood. Nothing terrible happened just mediocre. I wasn't adopted so can't relate directly to adoption theory.However got me thinking. We have a possible link. The problem neglect and total lack of stimulation. She is 30 months so the age you would possibley expect her to start making memories. But if we are matched and subsequently adopt. Will this lack of stimuli mean she in the future will have no recollection at all of bf. Or will she be to young to anyway. If she had suffered a stimulating abuse would she clearly remember her birth family or would the trauma cause her to block it out? Interesting thoughtsI T H
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Corkwing
May 11, 2013 08:20
Hi, Pingu -My kids moved in aged 2, 3 and nearly 5. They hadn't seen their birth mum for a year and didn't recognise her from her photo.I'm not sure, though, that that's the same as the "primal wound" argument. I think that's at a deeper level than the conscious memory.Love,Corkwing
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pluto
May 11, 2013 08:40
I read somewhere that children up to the age of 8 or 10 can have very early memories after that age no longer.So a 13 year old who remembers something when they were 2 is very unlikely, a 6 year old can have the 2 year old memory.I pressume how longer you live how further the memoryline moves forwards, but I would think that with the right triggers a forgotten memory can come back. Ofcourse in normal situation the family will talk about memories and keep them alive.
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sooz
May 11, 2013 09:27
I have memories from aged 2.Nothing exceptional, in fact my first memory is of being totally overwhelmingly bored and frustrated while my mum chatted to a neighbour. I remember the feelings very clearly, and where I was stood. She probably was only chatting for a couple of minutes lol.Next when I was 3 and throwing a right strop because my dad and brother were going off in the car to take some things to our new house and I wasn't allowed to go!Lots of memories from age 4 onwards.... X
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silver birch
May 11, 2013 13:55
My eldest AD was 4 years when she left birth mum. When she came to us nearly aged 6, she could recall a few things about living with her birth mum. Now 5 years later she can remember nothing. Her younger brother who was 2 years old has never been able to remember birth mum. In fact for a while he was convinced his foster carer had been his birth mum. I do wonder if my daughter has a traumatic incident buried deep within her memory. X is known to have happened when the children where with BM we don't know if the children witnessed this incident. But given my daughters reaction of fear when seeing said incident on TV recently I think it triggered something.ITH I to had a mediocre childhood, my first memory is when I was age 7 when one of my sisters was born,
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Sockthing
May 11, 2013 14:07
I think memory is selective not necessarily according to chronology.I have memories of being pre school....being in the car taking my big brother to school and asking when I was going to start school, for example.But I have no memory of my sister being born when I was 6. She is most insulted by this!!
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inthishouse
May 11, 2013 14:15
Silver birch. When your daughter reacted in fear to this incident on the tv what did you do to reassure her.? (Asking from a learning angle not judging. Wasn't sure how to ask the question) could she articulate what she felt.Don't know about you but having a mediocre childhood has led me to seek many new experiences and try to have adventures with my children. I T H
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silver birch
May 11, 2013 15:15
ITH yes my daughter asked me to switch the TV off as she was frightened. I asked her why she felt afraid, but she said she didn't know other than she didn't like it. It is difficult knowing what to say, I did tell her about the incident, but she was unable to recall it. I think I remember my sister being born as I already had several brothers and wanted a sister to play with.
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true
May 11, 2013 19:18
early memories are sensory and cannot always be put into words - a fear, a sensationsee linkhttp://www.trauma-pages.com/a/vanderk4.php
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lilyofthevalley
May 11, 2013 19:47
I have an early traumatic memory dating from when I was 3 years old. I was in hospital and in a cot. I had had my tonsils removed. I tried to escape from my cot and got out but was caught and put back. In those days parents were not allowed to visit their sick children in hospital as it was thought visits upset them. I believed I had been abandoned. When my AD was 14 and experimenting with alcohol with school friends (during lunch breaks) she started to recover early traumatic memories of sexual abuse at the age of 3. It resulted in her becoming an alcoholic and being excluded from school. It has taken her many years to recover from this and she remains vulnerable.Lily
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jmk
May 12, 2013 00:22
I'm adopted (aged 3 weeks) and can't remember anything before about 3 years of age. I would have been about 21 months old when my younger brother came home, but have absolutely no memory of him arriving. I do remember hammering a load of nails into the door threshold, (beginning of my interest in DIY lol),apparently I was around 3 at the time.My DD's came home aged 1 & 2 and neither have any recall of life with FC. EDD once referred to the other fosling in the home as being a boy, when it was a girl, so really most of their memories are from pictures and what I have told them about their time there. They wouldn't remember anything otherwise.
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loadsofbubs
May 12, 2013 09:22
I think there are two issues here, actually remembering a specific incident (however major or trivial) and then the 'memories' that cannot be remembered but which have significant impact on the way we behave. I have a 'memory' that involves nothing more than a sound, or a tone, in the background of a dream I used to have. it scared me half to death and I always woke shaking from it. in my 20's I one day recognised it as the tone of voice, not the words, or the volume, that my mother used when angry. things we cant remember with our minds don't necessarily mean we don't have some memory in a form we cant access but that has an impact on our behaviour in certain situations. the same tone can still leave me feeling uneasy and i'm 52 now!.
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Milly
May 12, 2013 09:26
Interesting point Pluto about how older children forget what they once remembered. I had a fall when with my dd then aged 2 and three quarters. I wasn't badly hurt but it was quite dramatic and there was a lot of blood. For years we would mention it at times and dd clearly remembered the event. But some time later I referred to it and she had no recall at all. Of course it affected me a lot more than her, so isn't such a traumatic memory for her but I was amazed that she completely forgot it.I now find that I am not sure I can remember a lot of early childhood events. I have recounted some so often that I know the story without feeling any actual memory for them. Earliest goes back to when I was three.
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BadWolf
May 12, 2013 12:00
I have really early memories, my husband doesn't at all. We both had 'nice' childhoods, presumably he just has a bad memory!I heard that we all have a mix of memories real memories that we see through are eyes, and modified memories that we can see ourselves doing things in. Modified ones are often real but are boosted by famly stories, photos, videos etc. I have no idea where heard this, prob radio 4 in the car! Badwolf
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