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This is a very controversial subject. I am a FC and the importance of a child's identity is hammered into us. I would never publicly question the importance of a child understanding and identifying with his birth family.However, I think that most of the arguments about identity come from a bygone age where most adoptees were relinquished at birth by parents who either couldn't care for them, felt stimitised into giving them up or genuinely believed that the child would have a better life if adopted.We no longer live in that age. My LA has one relinquished baby, on average, every three years. The children that come up for adoption have been removed,by the courts, from their parents. I think that is a very different scenario.I too would question how good it is for a child to be told to identify with a birth father who, for example, is a convicted sex offender. That is my tuppence for what it is worth.

Re LetterboxIt seems to be up to the adoptive parents how much and when contents of letterbox exchanges are revealed.We have 2 x year exchange of letters. It hasn't seemed appropriate to share these with our ADs yet (2 years in, now aged 5 and . I had gleaned that the idea was to share them so felt a bit guilty that we hadn't so far. At a post-adopters' training day on contact etc, the message was that it was up to the parents when and how these were shared.As to the usefulness of letterbox - my suspicions are also that contact arrangements have been decided upon based on adults' experiences. As Hilly7 says, far more adult adoptees will have been relinquished than children are nowadays. So, it's a very different scenario and I suspect that things will change in a few years' time when research catches up with young adults who suffered an abusive background and what they feel about any contact they have had.It's good to have the letters as back up to show that BP wished and goes on wishing our ADs well. I don't however think that much is gained by bringing this up every 6 months throughout childhood. I also don't much like feeling as if I have to account for what we're doing with our ADs to the BP. Keeping exchanges short and bland enables us to tick the boxes, and hopefully keep channels open in case this is useful for our ADs in the future, with minimum emotional involvement.Blueberry2

That's funny. Age of 2nd AD is 8. No great secret! Beware of 8s and brackets put together...

I think it depends on the child and their circumstances.My dd has very clear memories of her bps. She doesn't wear rose-tinted specs over them - in fact, she's quite angry with them sometimes. But she's also very, very angry if anyone tries to suggest she forget about them because she has her new family. He bps are important to her, despite their failings.I do agree though, that the adopters have the least power and do have to bend to the bp's will and abilities. If our contact letters are later, for example, we're chased up quickly. When the reply from the bp doesn't arrive, we're told it's because of X, Y and Z and we must be patient. Why are we not allowed to have X, Y and Z happening that means we can't write a letter to a deadline?

From the other side of the coin.....We have adopted our niece and have letterbox contact with her siblings who were adopted by strangers. Birth dad died during court proceedings before adoption and birth mum has no contact.Adoptive parents have reduced contact in their "childrens best interests". We have requested increased contact in our childs "best interests" but to no avail. I always initiate contact - at the time stipulated by them - and we usually have to wait several months for a reply. I sometimes feel that if I didn't write first they wouldn't bother with letterbox at all.We have strict guidelines as to what can be written - no "miss you" no "love you" no "can't wait to see you" - and this is from brothers to sisters.So rather than blaming adoptive parents or birth parents etc I think the whole thing is complicated by adoption agencies not all playing to the same tune.

As both an adoptee and adopter I am always in two minds about the benefits of LB.As someone else has already said, our children have been removed from their BP's care for a variety of reasons. It is not like the old days when babies were relinquished for fear of shame.Whether to have LB or not? - I really don't know if it is a good thing or not.When I was growing up and used to ask my parents about my BP's the answer was always “Sorry we don't know” and after a while I gave up asking. I did do a little fantasizing, as all children do, because I didn't really understand how having a baby out of marriage was so shameful and I thought my Mum and Dad must have died in a car crash and there weren't any relatives around to take me in (how naive, I know). But nowadays we are encouraged to tell our children everything and engage in LB and I am beginning to think that the more information our children have, the more it feeds their curiosity. Now that isn't necessarily a bad thing IMO if everyone abides by the rules and puts the children's interests first, but unfortunately this doesn't always happen.Sometimes the BP's lose interest after the first letter and they stop replying as they get caught up in their chaotic lives. If adoptive parents have shared the LB letters with their children, then we have to cope with our children feeling rejected/unloved when the BP's don't send their Birthday/Christmas/Card/Letter, and all that that rejection entails. This is why I normally advise adopters to not show the letters/cards to their children until A. the children are old enough to understand and B. to see if the BP's are committed to staying in touch. I do think that if both sides are doing LB correctly it can be beneficial to the child as they do get a better picture of their BP's and the type of lives they lead, and if and when they do decide to meet them when older, at least they have some idea of what to expect. It is a way of getting to know them before meeting them.What I find more disturbing quite honestly, is when adopters say they are open to LB prior to the AO going through, and then once the children are legally theirs, they cease to do LB. That I think is grossly unfair to their children and I think the children will resent them for doing this when they are older and they find out about it.Far better for the adopters to do it and keep the letters/cards for their children to keep the lines of communication open. When the children are old enough and start asking about BP's you then have the letters to show them and to show that you were keeping in touch too.I know it is easy for me to say it as my DD's have no neglect or abuse in their backgrounds. I'm not so sure that I would be so understanding if they had suffered at the hands of their BP's.I do think that initially all LB contact should be between the adults and that if the children want to take part when they are older than they should be allowed to. Also BP's have to know the rules and be told that they cannot write inappropriate things in these letters. Some of them do need help with this as many people on here have posted about this before.We adopters have to face the fact that Facebook and other social networking sites mean that our children are naturally going to do their own searches with or without our permission. It is a normal thing for any child to do to want to see the person who gave birth to them if only to satisfy their own curiosity. Good LB could help with this and prevent them from doing this behind our backs so to speak. It is all about keeping the lines of communication open between you and your children and letting them know that you are happy to talk to them about any aspect of their adoption. Burying your head in the sand and keeping everything crossed that they won't want to find their BP's is just postponing the inevitable and is a recipe for disaster. My DD's know that if and when they want to meet their BF I will happily arrange it for them and go along and support them and because they know this, I don't think they would do it behind my back.

It's the adoptee who gets the rough deal. Choice has never been a luxury afforded to adoptees.Historically, adoptees had no choice but to accept their information being withheld. Nowadays, they've no choice but to accept every last detail (and from a very young age). It's they who have to pander (and to the assumptions of others) - all that has changed is the nature of the assumption (from 'NO you will NOT want to meet your birth family' to 'YES you WILL want to meet your birth family'. Both assumptions are as bad as each other). Lies are also still abound, today's 'openess and honesty' about birth family is usually, in reality, a sugar coated/euphemistic version. The fact that the adoptee isn't actually being told the truth seems to come second to the need to tell them SOMETHING. The situation has become almost farcical. You can only do so much, because nothing is going to shield a person from the knowledge that they're adopted. Choice and truth are vital, these are the axis on which everything else rotates.

I can only look at this from my own perspective. Ds was removed from birth, only a couple of months of contact.I have only done one letter, never had a reply, so I ask myself, who is it for?Certainly not for my ds, and he is the only one that matters in all this.I don't wish any ill on the bps, but they are not my concern.We have contact with siblings, ds is quite chuffed he has brothers and sisters, he enjoys seeing them and I will continue with this for as long as it suits him, and them.If I were to receive letters then I think I would reciprocate, as ds may find it comforting later in life.I have made it clear the door is open should he wish to know more about his bps, but it's up to him.

Sooz that's exactly the same situation that I was in. BM only wrote two letters and then nothing. I continued writing,twice a year,for a couple of years with nothing coming back and then I stopped saying I would be happy to resume LB at anytime if she wanted to. It was soul destrying writing and hearing nothing back in return. Seven years later SS contacted me to say BM had come in and asked if she could write to DD's, so I said yes. DD's much older non adopted adult siblings also asked if they could write and I agreed. We now do LB with both BM and siblings and it is going really well, paticularily with the sibs,as BM just writes a couple of lines and it is usually about herself. Her mental health issues make it hard for her to engage much, but the sisters are great and DD's have been able to write their own letters now asking their own questions and finally getting some answers. As I said in my last post, I feel we are getting to know the family and if DD's want to meet them at a later date at least we will know them and what is going on in their lives. It also gives me great hope for the future as all of the siblings are doing quite well and have jobs and children and are doing fine.