Edited 17/02/2021
Me again - refusing!
Cazza1
March 19, 2018 13:05
Hi - sorry me again. New week and ds is already at home. He went into school, on time and full of promises to attempt to go to a couple of lessons and in a good mood. After nine I receive a call that he is refusing everything - to go into lesson, to see his English and maths tutor period 2 and 3 ( school use pupil premium for this) or even go and speak to a teacher that he gets on really well. It is decided that as it is my day off and he obviously isn't going to fellow instructions so he can come home and do the work set by his tutor. Having spoken to ds it appears that his mood changed due to a teacher continually asking him if he had completed the worksheets set by his English tutor. He had, we had helped him complete the work over the weekend. He wouldn't show the teacher as it wasn't she who set the work! He can get very wound up by people continually asking him to do something. We, at home, have learnt over the years to give him time and usually he will do as asked but school do seem to do the opposite. I do understand where they are coming from with regard to other students but... Any ideas on how to work on a teenage short fuse whilst we work on getting him into lessons as well. Sorry rambling.
safia
March 19, 2018 14:53
No help with getting him into lessons other than what I said before - but just wanted to say that I understand what a nightmare it all is - dealing with the school as well as your son - it made me quite ill! One thing that helped me was thinking - if this is how bad i feel how must he feel? I really do think college - in the right course - is the best thing longer term - my son after less than 6 mths at college had 100% attendance - and this was only broken eventually by medical appointments - he also had 100% attendance at primary school for 2 years there and very good attendance the rest of the time. It was secondary school - the organisation and pressures - the way they dealt with things ( including bullying) that he couldn't cope with - he had variable attendance for a couple of years - quite a few stomach aches and that kind of thing - and then at 14 started school refusing - he took a knife to himself one day and said he wanted to kill himself - that is when school finally took notice and referred him to CAMHS who saw him the next day - it is a situation they were all too familiar with unfortunately. I don't think your son will change until the situation changes and then I'm sure he will do so and do well
Edited 17/02/2021
kudu
March 19, 2018 17:19
Not sure I have much advice except to say that I think the issue is with the school and the way they are treating him. Our son (15) frequently refuses to do the work in class, and so I'm battling with our school currently. It seems that the only person with any understanding of what might be going on for him is the SENCo and so he keeps having days in 'isolation' with her because that seems to be the only way they know how to handle him! I'm trying to get PAS to help the school understand his needs - as the Head just thinks he is defiant. Does your son have an EHCP? There is stuff in the Special Ed provision nationally that says that SEN children may need to be treated differently from standard behavioural school policies. Is that what you mean when you say you in regard to other students? And with regard to short fuses - don't react! Easier said than done! Let him rant and rage .. listen .. repeat back if given a chance 'I hear that you are really angry because ....' Then let him calm down in whatever way that is needed. Follow up to check he is OK - we often would find our older son in tears later because he just couldn't cope and didn't know what to do, so it was then always guiding him and helping him mend the relationship. But perhaps you already do these things! Hope you find some resolution .... press on.
Edited 17/02/2021
Rosie100
March 19, 2018 23:45
Do sympathise as we had this last year with dd; and it was so stressful for all of us. We had a lot of school refusal and if she did go in she spent a lot of time with head of year working on her own. Individual teachers tried hard to help her but as you say the system often isn't set up for these type of children. One thing I do wonder does he have any underlying conditions that might be making his anxiety worse. We were so worried about our dd in the end as the school refusal got very bad and she avoided going out of the house at other times too. Any mention of exams ,revision or homework got her into a terrible state. We saw an adolescent psychiatrist and we were told she had anxiety disorder and eventually got a diagnosis of ADHD as well. A year on with medication dd is at college ,really enjoying her course, doing well and her attendance is good. She hasn't got an EHCP but she gets a lot of support at college, they have good communication with parents and seem generally to be more geared up to children with additional needs; so much better than school. As Safia says if you can find a college course he really enjoys and a college with good pastoral support for next year I think you will find he copes much better. School was too pressured. they were not allowed to drop subjects, had numerous interventions at lunch time and after school as well as homework and revision; it was just too much for some children. He hasn't too much longer to go as the exams start in May, so hopefully you can find a way forward for the next few weeks.
Edited 17/02/2021
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