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I do think you're quite right to have wobbles. If they're pointing to the possibility of adhd at such a young age then I imagine it may be quite extreme. Additionally adhd can be comorbid with other conditions such as asd etc. Plus the fact that it csn be gebetic. A lot for a single person to cope with in itself. An additional child as well is going to be very tough to cope with. An adhd child at 3 is one thing and can be manageable. When they get to 5, school and are undiagnosed and unmedicated then it can and does become a nightmare. At 5 my son was being regularly excluded from school meaning I was having to drop everything to pick him up. Choose your school very, very carefully. And sleepovers, respite may be something both your mother and these children will struggle with. My children are older now but have never coped with sleepovers at grandparents. I know I sound all doom and gloom but I do think you be quite wary about this match. Working with challenging children in no way prepares you for the relentless nature of 24/7 parenting. Knowing my children's needs I know that I would struggle to cope as a single parent. I think you're very sensible to have these concerns.Good luck

Hi debs as a parent of twins placed over 12 years ago, who were whirlwinds from day one and that's no exaggeration - two things stick in my mind from your post that I think you need to consider very very carefully....1) One of the siblings has a high level of need at the moment .....um when, if at all, is that likely to change to a low or medium level? What support is in place for this child?2) Why if one of them is likely to have ADHD diagnosed at this age are they being placed together? Sorry to play devils advocate but gosh, your head must be in a complete spin. Please take time to carefully consider every eventuality.Ob64 x

I think I would have to agree with Donatella, but your concerns seem to be about matching panel rather than wobbles about the match itself?I am single adopter, Simba is 9 and has moderate learning difficulties and autism. Most of the time he is a super child, this week he is being particularly challenging, he is hard work ALL of the time. And to be honest compared to a lot of children with his conditions he is a dream. I couldnt cope with another child as well.I appreciate you have lots of experience with children through work but its not the same as having your own childDo you have a support package in place, including financial. I am very fortunate in that regard. I receive a very generous adoption allowance. This has enabled me to return to work on a part time basis. I do 22 hours which I'm finding quite tough. I suspect the main reason why I've found Simba so diffucult this week is that I'm shattered.At the moment I also get DLA which helps fund some extras which are helping with some particular needs.Simba is healthy, he does not have any medications and apart from opticians he doesnt have lots of appointements with doctors/specialists which for some people are extremely time consuming and prevent them from workingI am also extremely lucky in that as Simba was older when he came, he already had a statement. I know that it can be a huge battle for many people to get statements.I know there are some singlies around who have children like these and they manage, so I'm not saying its impossible, but dont get carried away by the emotionGood luck

Congratulations on your link Firstly, in terms of panel, I am sure you will be fine. You have obviously progressed this far with the link and the SW would not be taking you to panel if they did not feel the match would be approved. You will no doubt have questions to answer in terms of your ability to cope so try to focus on this, and about specific scenarios, who could help you etc.. for example if you suddenly got taken into hospital, your car broke down on the way back from work and you need to pick the children up, one child is settling well but the other is struggling to form attachments etc...You have obviously thought lots about this match and you can hear your excitement about these two LOs. However I would strongly advice that you read up on attachment as much as possible, some books I would recommend are:Parenting the child who hurts (Caroline Archer)The boy who was raised as a dog (Bruce Perry)Building the bonds of attachment (Daniel Hughes)I adopted 2 children very similar in age to your two potential LOs. It was very very hard, but I coped (just). Like you I had years of experience of working with children, many with extreme challenging behaviour, but nothing prepared me for the 24/7 task of being a parent to two traumatised children. However, despite all the ups and downs I do not regret adopting at all - and have since adopted one more.Ensure you have a really good support network, but continue building this as its strange how people start to dissapear when the going gets tough. Attend adoption UK support groups and family days if possible, attend your LA/agency meet ups and keep chatting on here too!Good luck

Hi, can I just say thank you for taking the time to respond!I totally understand the difference between looking after children and having them 24/7 and being mummy... trust me, this is not a decision I have taken lightly. Prior to getting to the link stage I had already asked (and got answers) to many related questions over development, progress since being in care, attachment & sibling relationship etc. I had a (albeit brief) meeting with foster mum, as well as a "blind viewing" so I got to see the little boy in his nursery and talk to his nursery teacher, as well as seeing him and his sister in a play area... So this is not something I am rushing in to. As far as sleep overs, they are both used to staying over at "aunty's" for a night every 5 or 6 weeks, and I have been encouraged to start doing sleep overs early on - with me - to keep this going. I know it will be hard work, I know I will have nights of crying myself to sleep and rocking in the corner, but I also know this have no doubts in my mind about this link.Serrakunda - how did you go about arguing for your financial support? this is something that the social worker has already discussed and is sending the paperwork for... what other support have you managed to get put in place...And how did you argue for your support, was it all mapped out before matching panel, or something discussed with post adoption support?Again, thank you for your replies, I spoke with the foster mum yesterday (she was ringing to update me on something and we had a brief chat) so very difficult to try and keep that last little barrier in place!

Just wondering if this 'aunty' is a respite carer? I have to say that I think your sw is wrong. Do both have these sleepovers or just the one? And why is he having these sleepovers? To give his Fc some respite?What this child copes with in Fc may be very different to what he copes with - initially at least - when he's with you. I'm not saying you're going into this with rose tinteds but advising that sleepovers to continue on placement with - what that child may see as yet another carer - seems to contradict everything we all know about attachment, bonding, funnelling etc.

I didnt have to argue for the allowance as such, He ticked so many hard to place boxes they had already determined he would have an allowance, though it is means testedIt does seem that allowances do vary greatly, Simba's LA do seem particularly generous in that regard but not very helpful when it comes to other things,At the moment we are managing without any theraputic support, we had an attempt at some counselling but it was so disastorous I decided we would be better off without it.Having said that Simba is so much older and his needs more defined than these two. The financial support gives me what I think I need most right now, the ablity to go reduce work hours and so be available to Simba completely out of school hoursI would also be giving some thought to what you think your work situation is going to be and,if you are planning to return to work what your childcare arrangements will be. Indeed the LA may want you to give up work, so they need to fund you to do so

I've been reading this post with interest but didn't really feel qualified to comment. However, in my experience my LO is completely different with me than she ever was in FC. I can go out for an occasional evening now but no sleepovers, I always return.Also all dreams of kiddie social activities have gone out the window, she can't even handle a swimming lesson with me watching. Basically we have to be close all the time.On the positive, she is thriving physically where she never has before. Eating me out of house and home :-)I get an allowance currently but have asked for it to be extended as it is going to be hard for me to go back full time. I felt I was quite prepared but I think now that you just can't know what will happen.