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some time ago I went to a seminar lead by people involved with The Forgiveness Project -which supports people who are seeking to find ways forward after difficult situations. ( eg being vitims of bomb attacks, parents being murdered, experiencing tortuure etc)I wrote down in my diary one of the things someone who had been involved in the project said.FORGIVENESS-means giving up hope of a better past.i understand that to mean that it involves a level of acceptance that nothing a person can do now can change what happened. you can only change your feelings about it and how you live now.all four of my children who are in their teens and twenties have met their different birth parents-in fact we are seeing a bp tomorrow.( we have 3x a year contact)Just last sat I picked up a half sibling of the youngest children -they came to our sons 18th. On the way back from the station the half sib and my youngest were talking together -my youngest said -"it annoys me when all people do is moan about their lives -look what happened to me and you ( they had 8 foster placements and ds4 has a disability caused by his Birth mothers lack of care for him) " the half sibling who is now in a stable relationship and has their own business said"you just have to get on with life and not be bitter and try to find ways of accepting that that was how it was at that time and they (BP ) made loads of mistakes and didnt care how it affected us but that was then and we have got on with our lives"It is hard to prepare our children to meet bf.3out of my 4 children have found ways of trying to understand why things happened to them. trying to find ways of connecting totheir BF . Each of them has had a different journey into acceptance/forgiveness.One had lots of therapy, another who was a similarr age to your daughter -wrestled with why and was depressed for a few months. the youngest is amzingly resilient and is full of how their life is now-shows compassion to his bp when he meets them.However we have one son who is consumed by anger about his early life -is bitter and feels that his life has been ruined by his bp. he is repeating some of the patterns of his bp in his life ( he is in his 20s)Forgiveness is a very hard thing to describe, hope for etc .As you support your daughter on her journey - i hope you will have the wisdom you will need to give her strength to accept what happened , move on and find a different future for herself.

I have two half sibs - one white one dual heritage - the bf are all white and dd was/is treated differently as a result. As a nearly 21 year old she has had a lot of direct contact with her bfamily over the years but stopped all contact when she was 18. There is a very strong biological pull to her bfamily and having had a lot of contact she wants to know that they are all ok (she gets some reassurance of that via her brother who has rare episodes of phone contact) - particularly important as there are other half sibs she knows who despite proceedings were left with bm. Dd remains a vulnerable person and the emotional strength required not to get pulled into the chaos of her bf's lives is immense because of this natural pull. She has despite her own difficulties come to some level of insight that she can't get back what should have been and she just isn't able because of circumstances and her bm situation to have the kind of relationship she I know desperately desperately longs for - nor ever a sorry to acknowledge that someone else was at fault not that it was in some way her fault - something that might free her from a burden of guilt of somehow not being good enough ... She doesn't show anger and wouldn't get angry despite the terrible things that happened with her bm as it would push her bm further away and be some kind of disloyalty at a level - she saves expressing her rejection and pain to me (what luck!). She finds it difficult and very painful (so willing at some level to overlook shortcomings) to associate this apparently harmless woman or bf with the catalogue of harm and lifelong effects that she reads about in her files so it is all somewhat surreal in a way. We haven't made excuses over the years and with the contact we have had she has seen the reasons why everything happened and can understand that - we also know why her bm particularly did the things she did so could teach our dd compassion too - as you are right anger can be so consuming. She would certainly like to forgive, forget and have a normal relationship but there is just too much stuff that bubbles to the surface and there is a sad realisation of this as a young adult too as much as she fights to deny these painful intrusions - some adoptees in our wider family have opted to suppress/deny these feelings, some acknowledge them, some have some kind of relationship, some have a good relationship given the circumstances but they all have found getting to a place with it has taken time and not least some heartache and seismic emotions all around including for a/ps. My fervent wish is that my two - just find some way of being at peace with their situation and I try and do all I can to help them get to that place. It hurts me to see my children torn at times and I so much want to protect them from this heartache - I can't but can only be there to listen and offer what little comfort I can when she/he is in turmoil and to look after myself so I can stay strong enough to do this for them both. For all our openness, self organised direct contact and the many issues we have dealt with - both our now adult children choose to call us mum and dad and choose to call our house "home" - I know they love their bps and want to forgive them everything but I know too that all that we have shared is in their hearts too and somehow they have to straddle these two worlds.Look after yourself as it can be an unnerving time for all.Warmest wishesMayan

having suffered emotional and physical abuse myself from my bm and forgiven her I would say it takes a looooooong time to get through it all. I had loads of counselling as a young adult to work thru the feelings (oh, and to learn to label the feelings as something other than 'hungry'). I have managed to separate out how she felt about me and what she did to me and what I believe she might have done better if she knew better. I have been very well loved by other family members and I decided when I was about 19 that she had messed up enough of my life and she had caused enough unhappiness for me and that I was going to take charge of what happened next in my life and I was going to be happy and be loved.Maaaannnnny years on and I am!! I worked really hard to change myself and to become 'me' and I am well proud. I have done such a good job that I have been approved with my husband to adopt. I think your child has to be really determined to work thru it all but that the results are beyond worth the effort but I know not everyone can do it. My birth brother has not been so lucky.

As an adult with an "interesting" childhood I can honestly say I was angry for years. One day someone said to me. "anger is just self destructive, most of the time the person you are angry with doesnt know youre angry with them, and if they do, they dont care". I realised that staying angry meant allowing the people who did the damage in the first place to keep damaging my life. Gradually I simply learned to accept my childhood for everything it was, good and bad, and decided to live the rest of my life free from its shadow, doing everything I wanted to. I had some dodgy years, not as bad as my sister who is still a nightmare (and still angry).I never had councelling, my sister had lots but it never helped. To be honest, I needed to be angry for a while, I think it was healthy to be, but I wish someone had helped me to channel it in a better way when I was a child, I wish someone had said it was ok to feel that way, I wish it had been an open topic. I think I would have a discussion with your DD about the types of emotions she may feel so that she is prepared for them and knows its ok to feel that way. She will also then know she can discuss these emotions with you. Its a tough one though. I hope you find a good way through it.Potterx

InterestingWe have had conversations about this. A lot of bad things have happened to me and my family over the course of their lives.Some really awful things.Perhaps it would help if I explained what I dont think forgiveness is.Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did is ok in any way.It is a conscious decision to think this person can not repay what they owe me and therefore I need to let go of this.As step says it will eat you up and the person who has wronged you wont care at all! I think I have had to make that decision a lot of times and still it bites me on the bum sometimes.