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Hi northernbloke, the thing is that no one and I mean no one can say what a child may or may not end up with, trauma/loss/lack of care in the first year/multiple moves/genetic inheritance......on and on it can go, adopting damaged children/child comes with its own issues. The threshold for younger children is quite low, so a child meeting all the guideline milestones does not necessarily mean that in time the childs issues wont come to the foreground, adopting is a leap of faith none of us will really know what is what,and then we have to go through acceptance, the acceptance of what we thought our family would be like against the reality we live. But you can still be a family, it may not be the family that you envisaged but nevertheless you are a family and like any other family you can overcome the difficulties of having a child that is less able than the norm. There are many help groups and a lot of experienced adopters that can guide you and your family through the difficult times ahead.

Adopted 2 older children (aged 6 & 4) with no issues, one was a bit behind at school but catching up- brilliant attachment to FC and eachother blah blah All not true. They had attachment disorders, other deep seated issues and trauma bonds! Think painting a 'rosy' picture is common but also when adopting many parents don't focus on the 'iffy bits' Thing is they aren't chance, you are far more likely to have adoptees with extra needs statistically

At 18 months unless their issues were profound there would have been no way of guaranteeing no futures issues. This is something many of us here keep trying to say. Younger at placement does not equate to no issues further along the line. In fact given the history that the majority of children have it would be pretty amazing if there were no issues in the future. I have three of those mythical easy to place, perfectly healthy babies. One now diagnosed ADHD and asd, statemented and in special ed. one diagnosed asd, statemented and awaiting assessment for fasd. The other currently doing okay. I would suggest not assuming it's all attachment related - likely to be in the mix but equally could also be organic issues. Did bm drink for example? History of psychiatric input? Genetic illnesses? What input do you currently have? What assessments have been done? It can be a very difficult path to accepting that you've ended up in Holland rather than Italy which is what you were aiming for. Holland equally pleasant but just a little different to Italy!!

Thanks for the responses. Heartening to know I'm not alone. Is anyone aware of any support services available? Specifically I need support in the form of home visits. My eldest is unlikely to attend school until January, whilst we wait for a new one to be identified for him. This means he's at home all day, every day, with his mum. If you've ever lived with a child who has attachment disorder then you will understand how difficult life can be, how unpredictable, violent, damaging, depressing and how desperate mum is for some support. There was a multi agency meeting on Monday where all the professionals in attendance acknowledged that mum would need support, but none was offered. Mum and I separated two years ago and I live 100 miles away. I'm a teacher, which means I'm limited to weekends and holidays. Any ideas?

What do you mean by home visits? By whom? Is he being home ed'd? Lots of kids are and there are Facebook pages and groups who offer support? What's the diagnosis? You mention attachment disorder. Is that a firm diagnosis or could there be other stuff in the mix? Camhs, paeds, EP? If in England then your ex can request an assessment of need and apply to the asf for funding. Also Ehcp? Maybe your ex could post here to ask for advice - maybe being closer to her and the kids would bolster her support network?

Sadly I do know what it is like to live with a traumatised child...I have three of them, and as for home support there is very little that the services can offer, we had for a short time an outreach worker that took two out whilst I built up bonds with the particularly aggressive one, but that was for a limited fixed time period. I would suggest that your wife speaks with PAS (post adoption support) they have to put in the assessment of needs for the ASF they may also be able to signpost you too childrens centres and activities that your lad can attend. Other than that it really comes down to your own support network, family friends helping out when they can, has he been excluded from school, if so then the education department has a duty to find alternative education services, there are nurture units or residential schools that may be the right thing for your lad, but again you will need evidence and SS to push for this and funding is tight. Personally you will have to call in Paed, Cahms, GP, school and PAS to put pressure on to get things sorted, if he has a diagnosis you may well be able to claim DLA and again there are self help groups that can share their experiences and resources. Also it may be beneficial for your wife to have some form of counselling, at one of our really bad times I found LINK which is Barnados very helpful. Are there any concerns for your younger one at home, if there is a level of aggression and violence is he safe, he most certainly will suffer secondary trauma so I would include his needs in any request as well.

Thanks again. Some useful responses.

Sorry I am a bit late to this. I too have a challenging child who has significant SEN. She attends a special needs school. I would suggest that you look at the Local Offer which will be on the website of the LA in which your ex wife lives as this gives information about all the local services for children with SEN. She needs to get well in to the SEN world locally and find out what's available - there could be befriending services, sitting services, out of school activities etc. I know it's not a cure but in my experience it's like finding lots of jigsaw pieces. Does she claim DLA? This often opens doors in terms of being able to access certain services. I do think that if a child has significant SEN then the special needs world can be much more helpful than local adoption services, though they may be able to provide support too. Regards xx