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Birth mum pregnant

Socks May 7, 2022 08:12

Hello everyone, I'm a long time reader of the boards, but have never posted. I remember the days before the boards changed and miss some of the old dialogue, especially advice from Ford, Donatella and Pluto such advice has got our family through some fairly tough stuff and has been invaluable.

Short background we adopted our two, full siblings, who are now 6 and 5. Came to us age 15 months and 9 months respectively. Moved at birth.

6 year old is awesome. Couldn't ask for a better outcome. We went in hard on the therapuetic parenting, and he's quite honestly the result of that hard work. We have these boards too thanks also. 5 year old is gorgeous but there is definitely attachment issues there. Hard time at school because they neglected their statutory obligations (designated teacher failed his obligations and in turn the school staff, don't get me started on how poor the whole set up is), we got the kids out of there to a better school where the head herself has a child with an attachment issue. My God what a difference. If I could buy shares in this school I would. 5 year old is like a different child! The support is incredible and attachment is central to much that they do.

So. To my point. We are in a place of almost serene happiness. Is that even possible?! The kids aren't toddler anymore, 5 year old is so much happier and content, and we finally feel like we are settled and do I dare say, enjoying life!

I then received an email to say birth mum is pregnant. The baby is a full sibling. We are being considered. We are keen and have identified all the positives and negatives. Overall we think it'll be good for our family. But we are worried about all the usual stuff, money, being knackered again, going back into soft play fills me with dread (!), but those issues aside the bigee is of course the kids.

Worried it won't be all roses especially for the 5 year old whose just really beginning to settle and less frequently resorting to attachment seeking behaviours. But equally she's amazing with younger children and is incredibly caring. We think it could be the making of her.....or of course it could be car crash. 6 year old, we think will be supportive. He's responding well to life story work, has a very mature head on his shoulders. For example, he was very involved in the decision to move schools and grasped the risk that he may not like it. Bless him he never complained once following the move but thankfully loves his new school once settled as does 5 year old.

So I'm wondering if anyone here has been in this position, went for the third child. Loved it? Regretted it? Any advice on questions to ask SW apart from what birth mum has been doing during this pregnancy alcohol drugs domestic arrangements etc?

It looks like it'll be foster to adopt.

Thanks for listening.

Donatella May 7, 2022 20:04

Hello! I’m more of a lurker and occasional poster these days. My three are now 21, 18 and 16 and life is busy but oddly normal these days!

You may recall that we had a similar situation. Eldest was just 5, middly just 2 when we got the call to say eldest’s bm had had another baby and would we consider her. After some debate we felt that we had to. She was our eldest’s sister. At that time we weren’t aware of just how challenging middly would turn out to be but actually his issues weren’t attachment related - he was later dx ADHD and ASD. As it turned out our daughter was also dx ASD at 7.

I won’t lie … it’s been very difficult at times. Three children is so much harder in so many ways than two. And expensive. We had to buy a bigger car, we already had 4 bedrooms so sharing a room wasn’t necessary. Food .. bills went up. We never had to worry about childcare costs because middlys issues precluded employment for me anyway!

There’s no easy answer. I don’t regret it at all. It’s not been without it’s challenges but eldest is just about to graduate, middly just finished his A levels and hopes for uni next year and my daughter will be leaving school for college as well this year.

Happy to chat if you’d like to message me

Edited 08/05/2022
Socks May 13, 2022 09:43

Thanks so much for your reply Donatella, it is great to hear how well yours are doing but I know it would have been very hard when they were smaller and probably still is at times I guess eh.

I'm conscious our 5 year old could be a candidate for ADHD and she could well be on the spectrum but she does respond so well to PACE and all that attachment 'crap ' as my better half puts it! The school are working hard to keep to her regulated but she can be impulsive, indeed my original post has jinxed things somewhat as has spent the early part of this week clobbering her mates at school, largely because she misses me and she's desperately attachment seeking. But that impulsive reaction leads me to wonder if we are facing ADHD too. She doesn't seem to explode at home, so not convinced she's storing it up. The school is fantastic though, very aware of developmental trauma. Her teacher is spending much of the day checking in with her, thumbs up across the room, keeping her in mind time together, holding her in mind. I didn't even have to ask teacher to do this. I wish all schools could have this training. It's not rocket science.

Well, anyhow we are no further forward with the new baby. SW on holiday. So no information as yet but hopefully on Monday. Been torture this week getting the news and then silence! As to all the finance stuff, we've just got a larger car so that's good and we have 4 bedrooms. I think we too feel that we just have to have the new baby, he's our kids' full sibling and we just have to do it for them. We have got very excited.....dangerous.....and feel we are already building a bond.....also dangerous at this early stage! Think I'd be very sad if it falls through but equally could be a lucky escape! You just never know how it will pan out. We'll be studying birth mum's current situation very carefully.

And God knows what you do with a newborn baby! That terrorises me!

Thanks again for your thoughts and sharing. I think we have our answer.


Donatella May 14, 2022 19:06

Just one thing to add .. If you believe there may be things other than attachment, trauma etc in the mix, do follow up. Getting the right diagnosis can mean getting the right school, the right support in place. Far too many assumptions made by profs we’ve come across that adoption = attachment = naff all support. And good luck

Socks May 16, 2022 12:49

Absolutely. Daft question, if school are slow to make a referral, although they appear to be hot on Send etc, how would I make the referral if we wanted to explore a potential diagnosis in the future should behavior change. Would that be via our GP or via the LA or school ? I'd like to think the school would naturally escalate but perhaps they won't, funding etc being a barrier perhaps.

Last school were so poor and did nothing, and things going somewhat swimmingly at new school so that no interventions or referrals as yet, so I don't really know what powers the schools have. 5 year old in mainstream school and achieving academically. Best to be prepared and consider the wheels will come off at some stage.

Thanks again.


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