Edited 17/02/2021
having doubts and anxiety
Kesiacambs
April 29, 2018 19:27
hi, Ive been matched with a gorgeous child who's 18 months old. Its been nearly 4 years since I was approved and that took a while. Now 50 and Im struggling to imagine being mummy to such a young one and even more so how I will make such a huge change in life which some people (I'm not close to ) will be surprised by - I don't like being centre of attention. At the same time this child feels like a special gift and I know all the advantages of the child being young. I had started looking at older ones because of my age and had also started to think about giving up but I was contacted about this child and immediately fell in love. Its now or never I feel - making it an even bigger decision. Ive had moments of real excitement which is how I have got to this stage. But often doubt and Im now suffering from huge and debilitating anxiety and have been off work last week. If the child was dropped off now I am sure I would just get on with it and probably love it but there are a few weeks to go before panel. I could try to ride the storm but I feel so anxious and much more importantly Im beside myself about potentially delaying this child as they have already been delayed and the foster carer is ready to move on I think - if i'm not gong to make it because the doubts and anxiety are too much then the agency can start looking elsewhere. Any advice? Should I just tell the agency how Im feeling? - I have a bit.
Heavensent
April 29, 2018 20:01
I think doubts and anxiety are normal emotions to feel at this stage. I had wanted to be a mum for so long that when it finally happened I was absolutely convinced that something would go wrong. It might be helpful to think about whether there is something specific that makes you doubt this match (other than age) or whether it is being nervous about the change in your life. How would you feel if SS phoned and told you the match wasn't going ahead? No one can say with any certainty that things will be OK, but you have been through a rigorous process and your SW must feel you are the right person.
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pluto
April 30, 2018 00:21
It is only about one thing, and that is not or you think you can love this child or how you will manage ones placed (you will), it is or you can be 110% committed. That's all you have to be, and further you can not influencce the process, it can be scary at times when birth family contest, when ss have different opinions, until the adoption date nothing is 100% sure. But most times it will work out and you can adopt. You are prepaired and know about trauma, where four year olds are developmentally, your support system is in place, you've made the plans how to do things and organise around a child. Just go with the flow. I would not tell ss too clearly how you feel as they might stop the process if they are doubting your commitment. Unless you seriously want to stop the process in that case do it as soon as possible. Try to accept that it is perfectly normal to feel a bit anxious, you are about to take on that stranger child and bond and attach until it hopefully feels natural. It becomes your child, the point that the child has lived longer with you than anywhere else will be there before you know it! Try to go back to work if only to get your mind to focus on other stuff. It is sometimes a roller coaster and you just have to sit out the ride.
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safia
April 30, 2018 08:57
As you say it is probably now or never - as they are unlikely to match another child with you if this doesn't work out. It IS scary - and especially while all you are doing is waiting. Don't worry about anyone else and being the centre of attention - just try to play it cool - have a script ready - that you are adopting this child - or he has been placed with you for adoption - you don't need to say too much - most people are full of admiration and think you are doing a wonderful thing. Is there anything practical you can do? Things you need to buy? If not just go window shopping or stock up on practical stuff. Maybe investigate all the local places you can take young children and go and look them up so you can see what they are like / how to get there - it might help with planning once the child arrives
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pingu123
April 30, 2018 12:13
You will be fine, as you say, when it actually happens. focus on that. Your persistence of four years shows you have the courage and determination to keep going whatever life brings. Remember, they chose you, you are right for this child, remind yourself of that. Don't worry about age, plenty adopters are older parents. My youngest was born same year of my life as yours is of your life and we are doing ok If you are a worrier, like I am, then find yourself other things to occupy your brain or your hands or whatever you need to do meanwhile to take your mind off the wait and prevent yourself from panicking. Once the intros start your hands will be full, so get anything done that needs to be, them go chill. When this gift arrives it will be worth the wait Blessings Pingu
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Serrakunda
April 30, 2018 13:54
Congratulations ! You made it - flipping scary isn't it ? I'm a single adopter. At this point its very daunting, its natural to have worries and concerns - I think thats better than people who thing its all going to be plain sailing. Don't worry about what anyone thinks. Some people will think you are a total barn pot Others will tilt their heads and think what a shame she couldn't have 'her own' Others will tilt their heads and call you a hero, or brave Others will be really happy for you that you have finally achieved something you have worked towards for a long time and that you are going to be a mummy. These are the ones to focus on, forget the rest. You won't be the centre of attenion anyway - your gorgeous baby will be. Your SW is there to support you, if you have a good relationship with them, I don't think there is any harm in saying you are feeling a bit anxious but emphasise that you understand that's quite normal. Take some to remember why you started out on this - its been a long journey for you, it becomes such a process driven thing its difficult to lose sight of what you wanted when you started out. Don't worry about work, take some more time off if you need it. Try and enjoy your last child free weeks - do things you won't able to - read a book, go to the movies, go out for tea and cake or a long walk, maybe a chill out spa day? Good luck !!
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Kesiacambs
May 1, 2018 08:42
thanks everyone. Feeling so overwhelmed that I do just want the SWs to cancel the whole thing, which I guess is telling. Although do still feel that if they brought this child round today id be fine. I just cant cope with the weeks of transition from one life to new. Its been such a long journey and I have a heart for it but when the pressure really mounts the singleness bit is extra tough.
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pingu123
May 1, 2018 10:38
The tension is the last hurdle before placement. I remember feeling very overwhelmed myself during the wait and then the intros. Where is your support structure. Do you have anyone ( nor SW) you can talk to about how you are feeling ( glad you are using these boards btw.) Have a think through the people you know. Is there anyone, who might understand your stress, let you share a bit, and be supportive ? Sometimes it surprised me where my support came from. ( AUK groups can include prospective adopters btw, if there is one locally you might like to make contact ) Older people who have " been through the mill", people with special needs kids, a friend who brought up four kids on her own after a difficult marriage and a bitter divorce. Many here say that their eventual support came from different people from the original list they constructed during assessment, but now is the time to start finding out who really will be there for you, and who "gets it"
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Serrakunda
May 1, 2018 13:42
Don't do anything while you feel like this. You may regret it later. How long is it until matching panel - it sounds like a few weeks? Take a few deep breaths, and try and chill out a bit. My last few weeks flew by with meetings, getting house stuff ready, shopping. Can you make a list of what you need to do to try and give a bit more focus to this last stage. PM me if you want to talk
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Heavensent
May 1, 2018 17:08
Agree with Serrakunda - don't do anything unless you are 100% sure. You have spent 4 years getting to this point and it's a huge emotional roller coaster. Being single can be a huge positive - you can focus 100% on your child's needs and not have to meet a partner's needs as well. You won't have the worry of one half of the couple bonding better than the other, or the child rejecting one. Adoption is tough, couple or single but my daughter has benefited from only having one parent as I am focusing on her needs. You have been matched with this child because sw feel you are the best for them. Good luck with your decision
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Kesiacambs
May 1, 2018 19:26
thanks Serrakunda - your message came just as I was about to call and pull the plug at lunch time. I couldn't reply because was on another device and couldn't remember my password but had a long helpful chat with adoption UK instead. Deep breath. Im feeling like I need to act because I don't want to delay this child unnecessarily. Loads of other stress in my life at moment too is not helping. Thanks for all the wonderful support. I have great friends and family but you guys have the experiences . So grateful.
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Daydreamer
May 1, 2018 22:03
Iâm a single adopter too. Can you get family and friends to help you with shopping, decoration etc. so that you donât feel so alone? My son was 18 months at placement (3.5 years ago). It is a terribly scary time but I think if you keep busy, fit in things that will be tricky in early placement (nights out, lie ins, getting your hair done etc.) I remember after my last day at work before starting intros I was trying not to cry all the way home on the train - itâs natural to feel overwhelmed with the enormity of the task you are about to take on. It might help to read over your PAR/APR to remind yourself that the professionals believe in your ability to be an adoptive parent. Take care and good luck.
Edited 17/02/2021
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