Edited 17/02/2021
A million and one questions
mrsbeagle
February 6, 2014 18:03
Hi everyone, This is my first post and I have loads of questions if anyone has any thoughts for me. I'm 27 and my husband is 29, we had decided before we got married 2 years ago that we were going to adopt. Before we do though we are just trying to find out as much info as possible as well as trying to sort all the practicalities out. Q1) We would like to have a big family (3 or 4) would it be better to adopt a sibling group or adopt a single child first then a few years latter adopt more? What would work best in terms of attachments and behaviour etc? Q2) I don't really get on with my immediate family, my mum is bipolar so stops speaking to people for years then comes back and is all chirpy like nothing ever happened, my dad and I don't have a close relationship and neither do I with my brother and sister, (parents got divorced and everyone took sides I was stuck in the middle) Would this be the type of thing to stop our application? I'm very close with my aunts and uncles cousins etc and very very close with my in laws who we will be moving closer to before we adopt. Q3) would you say it is easier for one of us to completely stop working and stay at home, or would it be feasible enough for us both to reduce hours but still work? Q4) I would be especially interested in adopting a child with diabetes, I'm diabetic and thought it might be a good idea, but someone suggested that it might be a bad idea as I'd be too involved? Q5) When you adopt is it up to you if your child has contact with their birth parents or do some come with that pre-requisite? Has anyone any experience whether this is a good or bad thing? Q6) When children are placed with you is it a gradual transition between foster care families adopters or is it better to once permanently placed to only have little contact? Q7) If we started the adoption process with one local authority doing back ground checks and classes etc and then moved to another area could things be transferred or would we have to go through everything again? Q8) We have 2 dogs who we don't want to give up is that something people have been asked to do? There's loads more but 8 to start with. Thanks for any advice.
FIM
February 6, 2014 21:46
It varies from agency to agency is the answer to most of your questions. So if you want actual answers I'd suggest you contact your own LA, neighbouring LA's and voluntary adoption agencies like coram. The dogs one usually depends on individual social workers, both yours and any potential children's SW. There is a specific form for pets and two dogs is one of the minor hurdles you'll have to face. Most sws will suggest that you have a 3/6 month break after moving so best to do this before approaching any agencies or leave it until after the adoption order. Hope that helps
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Serrakunda
February 6, 2014 22:52
The first thing you should do is research why children end up in care and the impact that has and that may answer some of your questions. Taking on a sibling group is a big deal, only you and your SWs can decide if you are suitable, after placement most agencies would expect the main carer, whoever it is, to be at home for at least 6 months, with 2 or 3, you may find you need to be at home a lot longer and might not ever be able to return to work. I wouldn't focus too much on something like diabetics, as it's likely to be only one of a range of issues and possibly the least of their worries. Yes if you had to change agency because you moved you would have to start again, agencies will also want to know you are settled and your support network is in place, far better to move, get settled and then apply. Contact with birth family is a fraught issue. Some people, like me, have direct contact on a voluntary basis. It's the best thing for my son but I can't say it's not very stressful for me. Most people have some form of letter box arrangement, how it works and how successfully varies enormously. Bear in mind that with Facebook and social media, it's highly likely that your children and birth family will end up in contact with each other, regardless of whether you want them to or if it's a good idea. For some children with security issues it's a big problem. We don't have security issues and personally I would rather manage the contact now and deal with stuff as Simba grows up, rather than deal with big surprises when he's in his teens. SWs will look at your family circumstances very carefully but it's usually more about how you handle it and overcome problems etc. my parents were divorced, I hadn't seen my father for very many years before he died in the middle of matching. SWs want to know that there are no unresolved issues.
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Pear Tree
February 7, 2014 07:44
What great questions! Welcome first of all- you've got the idea on attachmenty things being affected by trauma and loss prior to adoption and that is SO important So q1- def adopt 1 at a time I adopted a sib Grp Turns out they have a trauma bond. They seem to feature massively in adoptive families who take on sibs together. Q2. Family / friend support is vital really. Your parents question will need talking through but if they aren't your n1 supporters that's workable. It's the impacts that's had on you as a child they'll be interested in. Q3 You will need to have at least 6 months home If not 12. After that you might need to be part time or even have to stay home Q4. Diabetes- being open to that is ok. I get the point on it 'pressing your buttons' though eg the day ac refused to take insulin and tablets, likely to make you react from a different emotional place than someone who hasn't walked that path. Q5. You'll nearly always have letterbox contact as the others have said with fb this is changing in content and lack of photos is a feature. Contact with other birth family is more common with variety of success. There's a book called 'safe contact' by Mcaskill that explores this. Q6. We adopted 12 yrs ago pre texting but most adopters text the FC at least when they first move home post introductions. The FC we had were lovely and we write a couple of times a yr and ring up. Q7. If you start one place your file will be requested by the new la. The va's will do the same. However- some vas cross county boundaries. You'll need to be moved and settled ideally when you start Q8. Doggies- awww! I love dogs but some sws don't and you will be asked if it came to it would you re home them. Children can hurt dogs / animals if they've been hurt.... Or they can 'over affection' and try and make the dog pay them attention and never leave them alone The thing to remember is adoption is specialist parenting for a child who hurts. All the best :-)
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mrsbeagle
February 8, 2014 17:30
Thanks very much for all your replies it's very helpful for us. We've applied for information from the social worker but the information is very vague and general. I don't want to send in the note of interest as we will definitely be moving within the next year or two so don't want to get involved with one agency when we aren't sticking around. I have a few more questions as well. Does anybody know about the new government regulations comming in next year about joint parental leave. I was planning on taking off longer than my husband but it will all depend on who has the better paying job. We would like to take the leave together to start of with for 6 weeks or so, then one of us go back part time then back to full time and the other eventually go back part time hopefully. Are we both entitled to be paid the adoption allowance at the same time or does it have to be staggered so only one is off at once or both off but only the adoption allowance for one instead of two? Also I'm keen to know how successful people are at getting their children into the school of their choice apparently you can do that if your children are adopted or are there still rules on catchment areas etc? From reading the info the SW sent us I got the impression that the introduction preriod would last quite a few months with days out together and sleepovers etc before they were offically placed with you and moved out of their FC house, but from reading the forum it seems it's a lot quicker than that, what are your experiences of this? Thanks for all your help, I could rattle on for a lot longer, I've just got some books to read up on when I've got 10 mins. Does anyone have any must reads?
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Serrakunda
February 8, 2014 19:24
Just to get terminology right, adoption pay is your legal entitlement, the same as maternity. Some employers just pay statutory pay, others have more enhanced schemes. If you are moving and changing jobs it's probably worth looking at the new employers maternity and adoption policies before committing. I took my current job for two reasons, it's 10 minutes walk from home and all the local schools so ultra convenient and the very generous adoption policy. I don't know much about the new regs but I doubt you could both be paid adoption pay at the same time. Adoption allowances are discretionary payments made by the placing agencies and are usually means tested. They are usually paid if the children are considered hard to place because of diagnosis, age, ethnicity, siblings groups. They are rarely paid for the children who are easy to place. I receive adoption allowance for my son who was hard to place for numerous reasons in recognition of the fact that as a single adopter it would be difficult for me to work full time and meet his needs. I work 23 hours a week over 4 days and find it hard going. To be honest if you want a sibling group you probably need to rethink your expectations about how much you will be able to work. Intros vary depending on child, agency and SWs . Average seems to be 1 to 2 weeks, mine were 8 days for a 7 year old, I went to FCs Monday to Friday, he came to our home on Saturday and Sunday, two separate visits , not a sleepover, Monday was review meeting to make sure we were all happy, came home on Tuesday
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mrsbeagle
February 8, 2014 19:48
Thanks for that, I had in my head that the introductions would last in the region of 3 or 4 months before the child came home, so It's good to get my head around everything now you say a couple of weeks. I still have no idea whether we will adopt a sibling group or not yet I suppose it will all depend on the children and what we can cope with. I wasn't expecting anything from the employer side of things we were planning to save at least a years salary beforehand so we have a cushion and don't have to go back to work. It would just be really helpful if we could both be off at the same time until we're in some sort of routine and have some get to know you time as well. It would be nice to have that little extra cushion of money if we could.
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MGM
February 9, 2014 12:57
Preparation group and then assessment (also referred to as home study) are designed to help you decide about ages and types of children. We had a definite idea about age/background/circumstances prior to assessment, it changed though during assessment. As others have said, being settled in your home (and your job/career) can be a significant positive (my husband and I had been in our home and our jobs for a number of years. This became significant at the matching stage â it was viewed favourably by our daughter's social worker). My employers adoption leave scheme is the same as their maternity leave scheme. My husband took 4 weeks off post placement, and I took a year off. I chose to reduce my working hours upon returning to work. I've kep these core hours at work, however I work flexibly and do extra hours as and when it suits me. Not every parent is able to do that though, it will depend on your child/children. Our daughter was 16 months when placed with us (she is almost 4 now). Our introductions lasted 7 days. We kept contact with foster carers for a short while post placement, we have met them since (but only by chance). Contact with birth family will depend on lots of things, not least the child's age and background (an older child for example is more likely to have established links with their birth family). The only 'right' way to approach contact (and, really, adoption overall) is the way which suits your individual child/children.
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kstar
February 9, 2014 20:58
You've had loads of great advice already so I won't repeat but I agree that a lot of your questions will depend on circumstances and your chosen agency. My intros were ten days long, starting with short visits to FC and building up to sleepovers at mine. I had this lovely picture in my head of long term contact with FC but in the end we just didn't get on at all. Starlet has heard from them a couple of times which is lovely but we can't have any meaningful contact, I just can't put myself through it. We have letterbox contact with three birth family members; the contact agreement was already in place but I am refusing to include photos based on other people's experiences. I have also met birth mum which went really well and I am open to having further meetings with her in the future. However at this stage I am glad we don't have to deal with direct contact for starlet, she doesn't have much of a relationship with BM at the moment but of course it may all change later!
Edited 17/02/2021
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