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It sounds like you’ve come through a tremendous amount in the last few years and shown enormous strength and resilience. Don’t give up! In fact what the SW has pointed out seems to me a very minor factor. It’s difficult to have empathy with the birth parents without knowing their particular circumstances anyway - and also hard sometimes when you have a child placed with you who is suffering as a result of treatment from them. I would ask how you can tackle this? Can you meet any birth parents - there must be support groups and some willing to meet - as they would want adopters to be as empathetic to them as possible. Anything you could read? Any specialist counselling they can suggest?

As far as motivation to adopt - they want to see that you understand it is about children who need families and that you fully understand the differences there might be from having a birth child. She should’ve explored all this with you already. Again ask about specific reading / meeting other adopters. Again counselling could help

Try to see it as useful to you and your future family to explore this more rather than SWs putting another barrier in the way. She hasn’t said you’re not suitable - just that you’re not yet ready. I’m sure you’ll get there - you’ve been through so much

Gosh you have been through it.

I’m a bit puzzled by what your sw has said and why she’s only reached those conclusions right now.

Empathy with bps is a tricky one and tbh something that waxes and wanes over the years. I’m not even sure how you can be empathic when it’s something totally outside of your life experience to date. You can try to understand, sympathise when appropriate, not be judgemental about some of the choices they may have made but there will be times when that sympathy and understanding will be stretched.

Filling a void. Lots of people adopt because they’re unable to have a birth child. I did. I adopted because I wanted to be a mother, not for any altruistic reason. I didn’t want to rescue a child, I wanted to be a mum. Was that filling a void? Quite probably.

Has she explained about the fantasy child - the child that you thought you might have had - and about how this child will not fulfil that fantasy and will be entirely different. That any child you parent will not be the same as a birth child, its needs will be different. Very different. You’ll have a different relationship. It will be hard going at times.

What are your expectations about this child? About what life will look like after your child comes home? Does she think you’re comparing like with like when in reality you’re comparing apples with onions (adoptees come with many layers, not just one).

Could she be more specific so that you can get a better understanding of what she thinks the issue is? If you need to do more work, what? How? What is she looking for?

Sws aren’t always realistic either!

Thanks Safia, for your advice and helping me see it in a positive way!

Thanks for your advice Donatella, you’ve given me a few ideas of things to think of and consider.

I’m a social worker myself and work in mental health , so I took it personally when she criticised my ability to empathise! It’s strange being on the other end!

With relation to being empathetic towards BP.....

If it was me and I had knowledge of parents with mental health issues on my case load now or historical I would do a piece of reflection based on 3 of your clients that have different issues/ diagnosis.

Anonymise your clients but just imagine they were the BP.

Is it their fault that they can’t parent?

Do you understand why they put their own needs before a child.

What trauma have they had in their life that has led them not to have the capacity to parent? Is that their fault?

Prescribed meds for mental health can knock you for 6, take a few weeks to kick in. So is that their fault that they can’t parent when they are legitimately comatosed.

I’m sure you could have a drug or alcohol addicted parent too. What has led them to addiction? Why are they now choosing their addiction before their child?

I'm sure some of your clients were in the care system, past from pillar to post, have appalling attachment and trauma issues. But is that their fault?

im sure you could evidence that you are empathetic with BP

and finally, if it wasn’t for the birth parents, your future child wouldn’t be out there waiting?