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Hi and welcome, i am a single adopter i adopted my 2 gorgeous girls over 3 years ago they were 5 and 6 at the time. I also worked full time but dropped a day after returning to work. I managed to take a years adoption leave, for me this was vital as my girls weren,t ready for childcare before that. It is possible as i have many single friends who manage to work and adopt but i would definately say consider part time. Check out the direct gov website to see if you are entitled to anything. Regarding a small family i would say this could be a positive but push your friends and other contacts as your support network. Best of luck Tab xx

hello and welcomeI'm a single adopter, just nearing the end of my adoption leave, with a small family who live three hours away. So the short answer to your questions is yes its possibleButas Tab says think very carefully about whether you can go part time or work from home for some days of the week for lots of reasonsRemember that adopted children are different and many have additional needs. Many adoptive children dont cope well with after school clubs or childcareIt sounds like you have a very long day, I'm thinking an hour each way commute to get to work for 9 and get a child to school you may be out of the house at 7.30 and if you leave at 5 you may not be home until 6.30. What happens if there are delays travelling home. Its a very long day for any child. You will barely have time in the evenings for tea, bath, story, you will both be tired and frazzled. when will you fit in washing, ironing, shopping, haircuts, swimming lessons, a cheeky latte down the coffee shop with a magazine? Can you see your quality time disappearingNot saying its isnt possible but it will be hard so you need to think very carefully about it.You may have other sources of income. Unless you are a high earner you will get child benefit, you may qualify for tax credits. Older children may qualify for an adoption allowance. I am hopefully returning to work half time, this is only possible because Simba gets an adoption allowance and DLA and I'm very thankful for that as I dont think either of us would cope well with full time You also need to think about what adoption benefits you will receive from work. Most agencies will want you to have at least 6 months off. I've had a full year and to be honest I think he would benefit from another 6 months or at least until we get our Adoption Order. It doesnt sound as if you are with an agency yet. If not you need to think very carefully about this. shop around, make sure you are happy with themMy son Simba is nearly 9, he is both the most challenging and best think I have ever done.Lots of us singlies manage but dont underestimate how hard it is.Good luck

Hi Monty,Yes, it's possible. I have a sister and parents who live 200 miles away, but really good friends locally. Prior to adopting I anticipated going back to work full time, but in fact I initially went back 4 days a week, and now work 5 short days, so that I can pick DS up from school. Things to think about:- childcare costs - can be prohibitive. Now that DS is in school it is more reasonable, but still about £250 per month for 4 breakfast clubs a week and one afterschool.- Timings - usually breakfast clubs don't start till 7.30 and afterschool clubs finish at 6. If you are an hour away, can this still work with your hours? Also, a commute with a tight deadline can be a killer, and really raises your blood pressure. Who will be your back-up if you are stuck in traffic/on a broken down train?- will your LO cope with you being full time? DS loves me picking him up, his little face lights up. I just couldn't reconcile myself to seeing him only for a very brief busy time at the beginning and end of the day. Last year we were getting home at 6, and needed to make and eat tea, do homework, bath and bed etc by 7.30 - stressful!- will your company consider flexible working or doing some hours from home?- when will you shop/get hair done/clean your house.... when I had my day off last year, it was much more manageable, this year I am feeling much less in control of my domestic life.- who will look after your LO if he is sick and off school? Kids' sickness/appts etc can eat huge holes in your annual leave. I always need to take the first day off, but then my parents will come and take over if it's a protracted time off school. Ditto school holidays - my parents can't do Easter, and I will have to take 9 days off - ouch!- your support network may change a lot. Friends who I thought would be solid have melted away, other acquaintances have stepped up and become much more important. If you have a lot of single girl friends (as I did and do)they may find your new life hard to accommodate. We often get invited round to someone's house for lunch, and it's deadly dull for DS! Similarly it's hard for me to accept evening invitations - again, if your family are a long way away, babysitters are expensive. If I need to add another £25 to the cost of going to the cinema, it becomes a very expensive night out!! If you have a teenage girl as a sitter, you can never give them a lift home either as you have your LO in bed! It's do-able, but your friendships will definitely change.Good luck, my life has changed radically in ways I didn't imagine, but I wouldn't change back for the world!

Oh, I forgot! You also need to remember that many other single parents are supported financially and practically by their child's other parent and extended family - very different for us! I would not make too many comparisons with other single parents unless their situation is more like your own (tip from someone who learned that lesson the hard way!)

Hi and welcome, I'm another single adopter and managed to keep my full time job. I have an hour's commute too and although it eats up time it also provides a buffer of relatively calm driving time between the hectic demands of work and home. Now the children are older they've left our local school and are in and out of town themselves most evenings, so the driving would be happening anyway.But in the early stages you will need a broader plan that caters for a wide range of scenarios, because there's no way of knowing in advance whether your child will be OK with after school clubs. My sw was good with words and put forward arguments for me mostly relying on general skills such as: researching local activities for children, good at building networks, willing to ask for help, being committed and clear that the children's needs would come first and if I was unable to return to fulltime work (due to children's needs) then being resourceful and flexible. We had lots of discussion over evidence to back this up. She picked up on examples where I'd demonstrated resourcefulness in new situations (moving to a new area, living abroad) and flexibility (changing work pattern, re-negotiating hours, tiding over a financial glitch by temporarily working from home). If they press you for details of how you might balance homelife and work the message you need to get across is that you will consider the child's individual needs and that their needs will dictate which option you follow.Similarly with your support network, you need to show a range of options for different possible scenarios. There are some good threads on support networks if you dig down on the single adopters boards - people have shared lists and "eco maps" and suggestions for local neighbourhood support in addition to your own friends and family.

Hi there,I haven't read through all the other responses so apologies for any dupication.In a word - YESI adopted without my parents' support.Re-think your attitutude towards your support network. You don't need a big bunch of friends willing to do babysitting sitting. This is what I found I needed in the first year of placement:someone who's good at IT stuff and is happy to pop round when your broadban breaks down or you need to rig up a new laptop etc etc. Someone - cheap/free - to help you with diy type stuffSomeone who will make you a couple of dinners (for you!) a week, deliver them at the dead of night when you've finally got you rlittle one to slep but won't be offended that you're not inviting them in because a0 you're too knackered to have a coherent conversation b). your little one is hyper-vigilant and will be freaked out if they hear a stranger's voice in the flat.Someone you can call who will talk about you and not be that bothered about asking after your new son/daughter. This sound weird, churlish even, but I felt I had given out so much love which was not being returned by my boy I just wanted to be appreciated by someone.On the same tip. Sort out someone who will come round and give you a hug. Enlist people in advance to promise to come round and run the house on the days when you are feeling really ill. This is my top tip. Designate your most enthusiastic friend to promise to take your child out to buy your birthday pressie, Mother's Day pressie/cards etc. They must also make sure they make a great be fuss over it saying how amazing you are throughout the trip. Note. The script shouldn't be that you're amazing because you've adopted, it should be because you just ARE amazing. Another thing I wish I had done is to set myself up as a sole trader while I was still working full-time. It means you could earn some extra cash while you go through the approval and matching process and it means that if you decide to go part-time or if working from home isn't an option you have something to full back on. Put a superbly effecient filing system in place now while you have time. Also, get your head round all the meetings and paperwork that will come your way when the child is first placed. You'll learn very quickly that in our culture of incompetence that you'll be project managing all the professionals involved with the child, but no one will give you advance warning on that.Oh yes. Get someone to organise an Adoption Shower for you too.Basically, all the support your child will come from you for the first year or so. After that recruiting the other adults to help him/her will be an easier job. You can't possibly know what this little bundle of trauma will bring. I think there's a bit of a misconception regarding the support network. It sounds like it should be geared to supporting the child. In reality it's about supporting you and having people who advocate you as a mother.Whatever support network you put in place it will change. I have found that some of the most enthusiastic supporters pre-placement have been the least help.You'll be fine. Good luck!P.S. Adoption agencies need you more than you think.P.P.S. I have written far too much. Soz.

Hi MontyNo6,The answer is definitely yes you can, but it all depends on your child! I managed very well to combine a demanding career and my 2 los when they were small. The situation has been more complex as they have got older!To offset the commuting issue and because I didn't have a big support network, I took my two to nursery then school close to my work. This way we spent the commute together (not perfect but actually quite good, on the whole).The tricky bit comes when they hit 12 and there is no provision for after-school ect but they can't handle being unsupervised.If you could, I would reduce your hours a bit. I first went down to 41/2 days, then 4 and so on. For the past 18 months I reduced again to 2 days / week. This allowed my two to maintain lots of out-of school activities and me to complete paperwork, planning, etc whilst they were occupied in the day. In the end, you find what works for you. It will change over time.Best of luck,Phoebe x

Hi,As with the others: yes, you can, but! Above all, I think you need to take on the need for flexibility, the strong chance that your child will need you to make some changes to your working pattern and the fact that it is draining, because there is no leeway, no real chance for someone else to pick up the slack. Worth thinking about the fact that work will get substantially less of your energy and focus and the quality time in the evening may not be as high quality as you would hope at the end of a tiring work/school day for both you and the child.Take as much adoption leave as you possibly can and remember that everyone needs different support and ask for what you need.Good luck!CoT

Wish someone had told me what Lindygirl just posted ! Brilliant advice.

Lindygirl,that is brilliant! You have hit the nail right on the head of what you need.

Thanks for the good feedback.Another thing I would say when you're trying to calculate your Family Tax Credit and other benefits. I found the benefits calculator really misleading when i filled it in pre-placment. What I didn't know but should have was this:- while you are on Adoption Leave you are still counted as working so you will be entitled to claim working tax credits.- the first £100 of your SAP is NOT taken into account - so add up all the weeks you'll be claiming SAP in the tax year and subtract that number from your GROSS earnings. That will give you a true picture of your taxable income in the eyes of Family Tax Credits. You won't know yet when in the tax year your child but as FTC people can make payments based on a predicted income you can update your financial situation as and when, you don't have to wait until you get your P60.- Also, try to get an Adoption Allowance - this payment is not taken into consideration when applying for state benefits. - Consider applying for Disability Allowance for your child. Contact a Family is a brilliant charity who support parents of disabled children. you do not have to have a statement of eductional needs for the child to be a member. They have offices across the country and a designated benefits advisor in-house. They wil halp you with filling in the form. They are briliant. - right now you can not claim Income Support if your child is older than 5 yrs old. I was going to do this while on SAP with mine but found out i couldn't once placed. In the end Social Service footed the bill so I could take at least 9 months off. - once you have a match be adamant that the child NEEDS your undevided attention for a year. This is actually true. The older the child the more time they need, in my opinion. Make sure this is addressed at the matching panel. SW will think you're trying to bunk off work for a year but you really need to secure that year for sake of the child and the success of the placement. Don't go to town on this one before you're matched though.- Ask your SW to put you in touch with a benefits advisor within the borough or whereever. Or you could fix an appointment with on in your area. Consider asking if you could 'hire' their best advisor by offering them a donation to the organsition so you can quickly get access to their know. Benefit rules andd thresholds change all of the time. My advise is almost a year old now so could well have changed.- In terms of maintaining your relationship with work. Before you leave, I would ask to diary in a few KIT days (Keeping In Touch). These could be 'in principle' bookings but it means that your line manager can see that he/she has to keep you in mind. Try to book these days at the point in your adoption leave when you are only receive SAP - because even if you go in for a couple of hours, they have to pay you for a whole days work.- ask if you could be forwarded all emails which are sent out to your team. Y'know, newsletters, update round-robins etc. Get them sent to one dedicated email address so you can dip in and out when you like so you're not bombarded with them. You don't have to respond but at least you'll know what's going on and in a way it'll give you a bit of a social life....And crucially, it will remind you of who you are when you feel like to you're starting to lose your identity.Also. Print off or save in a separated document all the wonderful nuggets of advise on this message board. You won't have time to source all those that you can remember when you need it most i.e. in the weeks(sometimes days) before matching panel and just before placement. That bit happens really quickly and you're head will be in a spin. All the best.

Just a word on the KiT days - it depends on your employer how they recoup these - mine gives time off in lieu. Which has been fabulous as over the last 4 months while I've been back at work 3 days a week, in fact I've only done about 5 weeks as 3 days and the rest as 2 days. But they don't have to actually pay you for them.And remember when you do go back to work you have to be working 16 hours a week to get tax credits - though that is only 2 days in some jobs.

Due to a slip in of the finger , I found myself on this section of the boards, but have been really interested to read this particular thread.Lindygirl's observations and advice is absolutely spot on, and I think is worthy of being permanently pinned to the top of the board, as a few weeks down the line someone will remember there is some fantastic advice "somewhere" and spend ages hunting!Just one additional thought for you Monty, it is possible, but not easy, and for some children a single mum is absolutely the right parent for them, so don't fall into the trap of feeling second best.QueeniePS might pay you all a visit again soon!

hito be blunt, you can, a very few people have managed it but I really, really wouldn't advise it. Children who need adoption and Don't need a really high level input from their carer are very much the exception and combining their needs with a busy full time job and long commute is a pretty big ask.I'm not saying don't go for adoption though - people wanting to adopt school age children are relatively rare and you may well be offered an adoption allowance - in my case I got one once it was realised I wouldn't be able to go bac to work for as many hours as I'd assumed (and that was 80%) because my DS couldn't cope with enough before/after childcare to make that happen. I have another friend who got similar (and in her case it was purely so she could have some time to herself because her son is much loved but Very challenging and she needs those hours to survive the rest of the week). For both of us it doesn't make up our salary but enough for us to get by - and neither of us would change a thing.I also wouldn't rely on friends/family to fill the gap. I had lots of goodwill before DS moved in but mostly while they are still happy to meet me for coffee and will step in for me in emergency, they are not up for once a week etc - DS is just too full on to fit in with all the other things they have to juggle.so I don't mean to dishearten you but I think you need to explore what you might be able to manage if your future child can't cope with too much time in childcare for example. SWs will ask - and placing SWs will definitely want to know that you've got all bases covered.Good LuckBB

The reality (which I've had to face this week!) is that children and long hours don't fit. My lovely girls are - compared to many - low maintenance, but I have had to accept eventually that I can't do more than about 30 hours per week. They are both fine with after-school clubs (LO who is 5 is cross with me if I pick her up too early because she enjoys playing with her friends) but long hours in childcare are not good for them. And being tired when I get home is not good for any of us. There is just so much more cleaning, cooking, laundry etc as well and that all takes time. OK, if you earn enough you can get a cleaner - but to be honest I find that adds more stress as I have someone else to supervise.Then if something unexpected comes up (LO will need various medical appointments for a few months) there is no margin if you work full time. You need to be able to look after yourself in order to look after a LO - and that means you can have a half hour now & again to do nothing...

Hi MontyI'm a single mum to one little girl who arrived aged 6, now aged 9. I went back to work after 8 months, worked part time for 4 months then went back full time.I've now reduced my hours to 3 days a week as working full time just hasn't been sustainable in the long run. My daughters needs have turned out to be many and negotiating for an extra 20 - 25 days off per year for therapy and hospital appointments was technically possible, but created a great deal of ill will at work.I also found that I effectively used up all my family support topping up childcare after school and in the holidays, which meant noone was available to provide respite care at the weekend. I've only had 3 nights out in 3 years - work became my only respite! Its only been a month since I went part time, but its already been beneficial to both of us. I'd say quantity of time with my dd matters as well as quality - just having the 4 extra days together in the Easter Holidays made a big difference.I am in such a different place from where I was when I first looked into adopting in terms of career and finances. Let alone the kind of child I thought I'd end up with and what sort of relationship we have. Its most definitely not what I thought my life would be, but I absolutely love it!good luck and best wishesguinea pig

HiThanks to everyone for the information you've provided me, it's given me a lot to think about. It seems that I could probably just about manage with the long working hours and having a child but I want to be able to enjoy it, not be tired all the time and be the best mum I can. I think I'd feel really guilty leaving them for so long. So since my first message I've been looking into other options. I have decided to totally re-train in another area which will allow me to work what ever hours I like. It'll take me a few years of study and then I'd have to get a business off the ground but in the mean time I'm going to look at jobs closer to home as well.I'm in the very early stages of planning but seeing as I have many child care qualifications I may see if I can do something in this area a couple of days a week, run my own business around this (which I can set from a few hours a week to a few days a week, very flexible) and I have a few other projects I could do to top up my income. All of these things I can work around school hours. Overall I'm going to put my adoption plans on hold for a few years so I can get my career sorted out and make sure I'm in the best possible position to be the best mum I can be.Thanks again, your messages have made me see things much clearer and I realise what I have to doGood luck to all you mums x

Hi thereSounds like a good plan. The process of adopting can take a looooong time. So it might be worth doing some of the initial spade work - checking out local agencies etc (if you're still interested) before you're 'fully settled' in your new career. I am full of admiration and I wish you well. best wishesguinea pig