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Yes. But I'm a different person with a very different life as a result. A lot of it is great, but it is difficult and lonely at times as a single adopter. Looking after a girl who has turned out to have complex needs does mean that I simply don't have the emotional space or energy for a new relationship. I've also had to completely change my ideas about work. You're still relatively young. If you have cold feet, do you need to take a pause? I had a phase of terrible cold feet after I'd been formally matched to my daughter, but decided that if I pulled out then it would be the end of my hopes to be a mother. I'm glad that I didn't. Some doubts are surely natural, as adoption is very different from becoming pregnant. I'm so proud of my AD who brings so much joy to my life, as well as making me incredibly cross at times. I'd recommend taking some time out to walk in the hills/on a beach and then make the decision that feels right for you.

In a heartbeat! I am a single adopter and have been a Mum for just over three years. I would say that I have never known as much stress and worry before but the love and joy he brings to my life more than makes up for it. I am sure we will face many challenges in the future but at the moment I am enjoying the present, fighting for support and hoping for the best. It is natural to have doubts. Good luck!

Knowing what I know now I would have chosen fostering. Adopted twice 12 years playing this game. Oldest 17, youngest 12, both adopted age six, both special needs to the level that independent living very unlikely is.

It’s very difficult when you love the children you’ve adopted to say you wouldn’t do it knowing what you do now. For me, adoption has changed me as a person. I am much better at understanding others, being a strong negotiator and therapeutically aware. But I’ve got ill, mr pt has also suffered and family/working life won’t be the same again. However the price we have paid adopting a sibling pair has been far too high. I do love them though.

absolutely yes. I am single with one teenage son. 6 years down the line, my son is doing very well. He has his ASD, a learning difficulty and his fair share of adoption related issues. Its been very hard at times, but I'm optimistic for the future. I have been very fortunate. We are very well matched, we have always got on well together and share interests. I have a very generous adoption allowance which enables me to work part time. We have been very fortunate in both our primary and secondary schools, both of which have understood and been supportive. We also sneaked into the Adoption Support Fund before funding was capped and received some very valuable help. About a third of adopters have significant issues, a third no significant issues. I'm one of those in the middle third, bumbling on, ups and downs but managable. Many, many adoptive families do OK. Some unfortunately don't. And the gamble is which third you will be in

Probably not.... We took three with complex needs and if I'd known how tough it would be, I would never have done it. Saying that I don't regret it, but I do wish that we had not had to fight for support from all professionals alongside parenting traumatised kids....

Thanks so much for your replies everybody. It's really interesting to hear the different points of view, and, Serrakunda, your rule of thirds is very helpful. I guess you never really know how things will pan out and sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and jump!! Good food for thought, thanks.

Please keep in mind that opinions can change over the years, problems of primary age children and younger are relatively easy, than puberty hits with several huge issues to concider: birth parents, through social media is it easy for children to come in contact well before this is in many cases safe or healthy. mental health problems start often in late puberty. addictive personalities start to drink alcohol, use drugs, often without much self controle. most feel pretty empty inside together with bad judgement end up in poor relationships, often not lasting, the attachment problems do not stop by 18. Than to solve all problems baby should be the solution, often they are not able to care for baby, etc,etc. So what I want to say is someone who thinks adoption is the greatest thing ever when children are 8 and 9 might look very different at it a decade later. Adoption is about commitment in the first place, a lot of children are very damaged (through neglect but also genetic issues, after all children get most removed frompeople with learning disabilities and psychiatric problems including addictions) and those are not a joy to live with, even if you love them to the moon and back. Believe me a lot of adopted children are very difficult to love, it takes often a long time and sometimes it is as good as it gets.

Yes, I would do it again. It is true I was lucky (first one in top third, second one middle third at moment but second is just 14 so not home and dry yet.) But I think that, even if it ends in disaster I will still be glad I did it. As others say, I am a different person, I have learnt a lot of worthwhile stuff, had a lot of pleasure ( as well as grief) from my kids, and I am a mother and much happier and more content for it. I know my kids benefitted (and still do) from being with me. If it's what you really want then don't let the cold feet stop you, you'll be fine. Its a positive to be taking stock before plunging in, and new stuff is always scary. And remember, we are here if you need support or advice at any time. Best Wishes Pingu

No.

Absolutely yes!! Love my AD to bits x

Ha ha, Madrid, I loved your straightforward reply! Thanks for your wise words everybody. I'm so impressed with this forum - what a great network of great people, full of honesty and kindness!

Probably not. No-one can describe what it is like parenting a child with disorganised attachment (plus complex ddevelopmental trauma, anxiety, SPD, autistic traits, learning difficulties, ODD, violent outbursts etc.). And I find most of the books, courses, experts talk in terms of therapeutic parenting delivering change. None that I have read, so far, talk honestly about what life can be like for the family when nothing you try really works. If support was easy to get and effective and if schools made the right adjustments without parents having to fight and fight and if the impact on siblings was negligible then perhaps I would feel different.

Absolutely yes. It's been a tough journey over the last 8 years. It's been stressful, I've had to change jobs, and develop a very thick skin (especially in dealing with schools). My social life has shrunk beyond recognition but none of these things compare with being a mum. If I had known the reality of the challenges adoptive parents face I would probably not have thought myself capable, but when you have that small person who is completely dependent on you, you find a strength to keep fighting for them, even when it feels like you are fighting them. However, being cautious and understanding some of the challenges is a sensible approach.

Thing is, when things go wrong, when the support isn't there, when the wrong people get blamed, adoption can be a dire, desparate experience. I don't blame some of my old friends on here for being blunt and saying they wouldn't do it again. I absolutely understand why. But for many of us, its OK, sometimes more than just OK.

It's all really helpful feedback, thanks. It has given me a much more rounded picture of what it can mean to be an adoptive parent. The reason I had asked in the first place was because I had read about many struggles faced here on the forums (naturally, as a forum tends to be a place where people discuss issues!) which were understandably making me a little nervous, but I didn't want to make an assumption based on the threads I had read. It's been useful to see that you've all had a variety of experiences and I really appreciate all your honesty. I haven't decided one way or the other, and knowing me I'll take a few more months to think things through carefully. Thanks again :)

Probably yes, but I am so looking forward for it to be over.... we have good hopes of them achieving independence. The extreme cases probably stand out, but there are lots of small attachment & trust issues that gradually erode you. For example, a couple of years ago AS (now 16 yo) had to do a project on a European country. He picked the country that I am from, probably because he has been there. He never asked me anything about my home country, and once he had handed in his project he tried to impress me with facts about my country that I probably didn't know....

Not right now because I’m too old and knackered! I adopted for purely selfish reasons - I wanted to be a mum. It’s been a rocky road at times and it’s taken some years to really settle each child in. You know they're settled because that’s when the brown stuff hits the fan often. You don’t always get what you plan, you do often get what you specifically said you couldn’t manage and the children in the care system now are pretty complex. But mine are now 12, 14 and 16 and we’re still together, all still in education (after a few hiccups). We’ve gathered some diagnoses along the way, we’ve experienced a few different schools, met an awful lot of professionals but we’re all surviving. Still time for it to go txts up but we’re doing what we can in the way of therapeutic lifestory work to preempt and anticipate the sort of questions and issues we suspect one child in particular may have. Ask me tomorrow after a bad day and I may say something different, but today’s been a very positive day so alls good!

Definitely yes! My girls (10 and 11 now) are the light of my life. They are wonderful! Not every minute of every day, but mostly. Definitely in the top 3rd. I would love another one...