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And also I had a phone call from the SENCO at the college yesterday informing me that they have referred (basically reported!) Me to social services because they are concerned about my "parenting capacity" and the SENCO even lied and said the following to me on the phone:

"This referral has been made following us obtaining evidence of your inadequate parenting capacity and also concerns following your hostility towards myself and other staff"- exactly what the SENCO said to me!

At no point was I hostile towards the college or anyone. I have absolutely no problems cooperating with social services as I have absolutely nothing to hide and I know for a fact that I don't abuse my daughter.

I will happily cooperate with social services, what just annoys me is how college seem to do just be doing everything that they can to upset us and are constantly lying about it as well.

I am sorry this is so hard for your daughter.

This college seems to be incredibly badly managed throughout. I sincerely hope this will have consequences for everyone who has been failing you and your daughter. I would make a complaint about this governor.

If I were you, I would not leave my job, unless you have been considering it anyway or would like to do so. I think that the more time passes, the less likely birth mum will show up at your door step. Are you still planning to move? If yes, how soon would you be able to do so?

Could you come up with a ritual that would make your daughter feel safer, eg. lock the front door, check the windows downstairs and put a bell on the floor in front of the door that will make a sound if the door opens? Might an online self-defence course make her feel a bit safer?

I would try to stay as calm as possible for your daughter's sake. If I were you, I would talk through scenarios with my daughters but tell them that it is unlikely that something will happen. My impression is that adopters' details are passed on to birth families more often than we think and I have not yet heard of a birth family actually acting upon that.

Hi chestnuttree,

Yep the college is incredibly badly managed throughout!!! I thought her high school (had a terrible time with them as they would say it's my daughter's fault that they didn't support her!! Apparently once it was my daughter's fault that the SENCO wasn't in her room when she asked my daughter to come to her at lunch because she needed to talk to her about something) we're bad but my god this college just fob you off with lie after lie and just seem to make up polices and rules as they go along.

I did make a complaint about the particular governor who ignored my emails but I just got fobbed off with the excuse that they didn't receive my emails due to "technical issues"!! I don't believe they had technical issues, I just believe they we're trying to ignore me.

Honestly I don't really want to leave my job as I love my job but if it was best for my daughter then I would leave my job.

Yes, we are still planning to move, actually visited a potential house yesterday that we are interested in.

The ritual is a good idea, I'll try and come up with one tomorrow.

I am trying to stay as calm as possible and I have talked through various scenarios with them and have told them that it's unlikely that anything will happen.

My daughter has created a ritual to start tonight which will hopefully make her feel safer.

Hi Rosie,

I don't know what to say - this is just truly awful. Please speak to your solicitor about all of this and make sure that he uses it all in the claim against the college - all of this added distress should help to increase the damages awarded to you. Speak to him also about your job situation - if you are having to leave it because of the situation created by the college due to the breach of confidentiality then this is something else that he maybe able to include in your claim.

As you have now instructed solicitors there is absolutely no need for you to be in correspondence with the college. So when the Senco or anyone else calls you inform her that she needs to go through your solicitor - refuse to discuss any matters with her. They are just doing this in order to bully you into dropping your claim. In fact ask your solicitor to write to the college informing them that all correspondence needs to go through him and they are NOT to contact you directly on any matter. Also ask him to remind the college about the laws on libel/slander in relation to their vexations claims about your "inadequate parenting capacity" - an outrageous thing to suggest.

Go and see your GP - tell him about all of this and how much stress you are under and ask him to sign you off work for a couple of weeks - and take the time to just be with your daughter and help reassure her. Did you change your phone numbers? - if so or not yet then do not give them to the college - they should not be able to contact you. Also it might be a good idea for your daughter to go and see her GP too and discuss all of this - s/he may be able to give her something or suggest something that may help her to sleep and/or reduce her anxiety levels. Also having a report from your GP about the effect all of this is having on both you and your daughter will also help in your civil claim.

I am glad at least that the exclusion has been removed from your daughter's file. xxx

that should read "vexatious"

Hi Rosieflowerbloom,

Our posts crossed and I have just read your second post from today.

I hope this will have massive consequences for the people involved. How do they manage to look in the mirror? If nothing comes of this referral to ss (and no doubt it won't), they have just proven their own inadequacy, irresponsibility and callousness once more. It is blatantly obvious who is to blame for the entire situation and they just keep making it worse for themselves. They have already had to backtrack on the exclusion, so the writing is on the wall on who is going to win this fight. This is terrible crisis management of a group of people who should not work in education - or any position of power. I agree with everything windfalls has said. Sending you strength.

I think the referral to SS could maybe act in your interests as they could maybe deal with the issue at college and the birth family contact in a way you can’t - I expect they will interview your daughter as part of it and she can then express her worries / fears about it all - try not to worry too much about this - though it’s another load to add to the huge load you are carrying and grossly unfair! Glad some of the other aspects have been resolved and your daughter can start her volunteering - and maybe look for another college or training opportunity?

Hi,

windfalls- my solicitor already knows about it all. I will ask him to request that the college deal with him and not me. I really don't want to leave my job if I can help it. I will go and see my GP and see if she can sign me off work for a week or two so I can help my daughter. I will take my daughter to see her GP.

chestnuttree- hopefully nothing comes of the SS referral. I absolutely agree that these people shouldn't work in education or any position of power, it's like they don't have a clue what they're doing and like they just 'wing it' and make it up as they go along.

Safia- maybe the referral can act in our interests like you said. I am trying not to worry about it. My daughter is starting the volunteering at her old primary school in the new year.

The local authority are talking about trying to get her a place in a college for 16-18 year olds that have autism and ADHD like my daughter does.

I would just like to say thank you so much to all of you for all your help and advice so far throughout this situation xx

Hi,

Sorry I've been really busy and haven't had time to update. My daughter is a little calmer but not much calmer. We've changed our phone numbers and have put an offer on a house we like, so hopefully moving soon. Our solicitor is proceeding with the claim. And I've still not heard anything from social services about the referral.