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New grandparents
MARLO
October 2, 2017 16:25
Hi I recognise some of the names from a long time ago..I really need advise My Ad came to me at nearly 4, we suffered a lot of problems through the years I always said it was attachment probs..but we never got the help My ad was very difficult growing up, ticking all the boxes..at 16 she could not wait to leave home, stayed with bf parents for 6 months ( she considered this her new home) she told lies that we were cruel to her, to many people..but our friends knew what we had been through..she went from house to house contacting birth dad who was drinker / junkie and claimed to be her dad now .for several years she turned to drink heavily, used drugs..been in several abusive relationships..worse thing to happen she falls pregnant gets engaged, loses baby, few months later, falls pregnant to someone new who she only had known a few months..she decided to move back home , we could provide support she needed..she fell out with bf who is in jail..and her daughter was born. She suffers severe anxiety...she has had it quite good, baby has her own nursery, and she has her own room. We watch baby every weekend to let her go out, last weekend 2 nights and take her a few hours each day. The bitterness has returned , name calling started, she argues everything with baby in arms..I refuse to argue I walk away it infuriates her even more..she begged us to book a holiday for next year, with my son who also stays with us..which we eventually did.. She now wants to go on holiday with friends, when I said I did not think we could cope she started to think of ways she could get, i.e. Giving her friend to watch her a few days( her friend who already had a two year old that she is not fit to look after) . She shows signs of being a good mum, but she has made it plain baby is hers, never appreciates or never shows us she is happy what we do instead she criticises what I don't do..I have my own business and work from home..now it's like everything I say, she is on my back waiting for my husband to go out before she starts..I get upset, she says I am a 52 year old acting like a child, I am pathetic... it brings me back to how I lived with her for years as a teenager, I can't go back getting too old my husband is 58 cannot take the stress I am so frightened now of losing my Grandaughter whom I love dearly, but she even talks to her tells her I am bad for not watching her Ect..sorry for long story..last week I was an f...... c.. I don't know what to do.... I want my daughter to stay if she can settle but it's as if not matter what I do it's never enough
Johanna
October 2, 2017 17:41
Hi I remember your name. Our girls are both mothers now so I have some understanding of where you are at. Is there any way she can get a place of her own near to you? Our older girl lives nearby and younger is technically placed with a fc but stays here as much as she can . We hope that she will have her own accommodation near us when she turns 18. We provide some childcare and stopovers but we are strict that we also need our own space.I There are four children in the next generation so obviously we cannot have them all here in our smallish house ....there isn't the space and we are both older people now. I think space away gave us a better relationship and we value this.I Your daughter may be in control mode through her anxiety in my opinion. Both our girls had contact with birth parents and both have been badly let down. This appears to affect the older of our girls the most .... she is tearful at times. We are working with her doctor to help her through. She has a lot of emotions about loss. We always talk about some of their behaviours if we are challenging attitude. We say that we love them but don't like such and such behaviour. If we are having problems we try to maintain contact through texts. It is less full-on. Even in the same house. I do not think there are easy solutions. Our younger girl returned to Birth mum and whereas now she does not have a golden picture of her, she had to process bm's selfishness and work out for herself that neither would prioritise her needs above their own. This process has happened over the last four years. Last night she was talking about seeing her bfather down town by a known doss house and described his degenerate appearance and her feelings of shame at being related to him. There are just so many issues around. I would suggest you see a counsellor yourself so you can get to the most balanced place you can, and take it from there. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so overwhelmed. You can always on me through the Profile section on the front page of this site. Johanna x
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MARLO
October 2, 2017 18:22
Thanks Johanna She has stayed in over 8 houses some for just a short period since she was 16, she has been at home now for the last 8 months. She cannot function properly on her own She eats only junk food when hungry, she keeps herself clean and baby too She is awful with money, bills if she can't handle it she puts them in a drawer..she is also in quite a bit of debt ..she is very good at surviving on nothing..council will only give her a homeless flat which is in a bad area, we have been down that road before She has times where she is fine, other times she hates being in the house herself, very anxious..she resents all rules, so really I have none, she resents you trying to help, mother her .. She attends psychologist, as I thought she might be bi polar as when she is nice, it is over the top nice..but when she is not getting what she wants she lets u know about it My main thing is to keep quiet so baby not in firing line..but she won't put her down, she shouts whilst carrying her following u from room to room. I am so sick of her, I love her..but find it so hard. I want things to be normal as poss, I don't see her getting a house in near future.. its so hard
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MARLO
October 2, 2017 18:23
Councilling did not help, I think it's finding the right one
Edited 17/02/2021
MARLO
October 2, 2017 18:23
Councilling did not help, I think it's finding the right one
Edited 17/02/2021
Johanna
October 2, 2017 19:12
I can see where you are coming from. I know that our younger girl gets really over the top rudeness and aggression when anxious and she also has junk food/ very limited diet.We suspect that she has a condition called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). I think that holding back and reminding myself that it is a hidden disability helps me. I can then think of her as very upset inside. It helps me calm down. I can relate to your feelings about her. Take care of yourself Johanna x
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lilyofthevalley
October 2, 2017 20:46
Hello MARLO I am sorry to hear about your worries. Unfortunately your AD has multiple problems and her behaviour is very concerning. If it were just herself it would be worrying enough but now there is the welfare of the baby to consider too. Your daughter is not showing that she is capable of being a good enough mother. Thankfully you are there at present to provide a safety net. Sometimes our young people have personality disorders or suffer from mental health disorders that impair their ability to parent. It might be in the best interests of the baby, and of your daughter, to make social services aware of your concerns. They can then provide support and supervision. So long as the baby stays with you the baby will be safe. If your daughter proves herself to be incapable of parenting the baby it could be taken into care. Sometimes this is necessary. I have experienced all this myself. My AS and his wife have had 6 children, all of whom have been taken into care. The main problem is my daughter in law who seems to suffer from an antisocial personality disorder. At the end of the day it is the welfare of the baby that must come first. Lily x
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MARLO
October 3, 2017 10:12
Thanks Johanna and Lily, your comments do help. When she was younger I think I built an imaginary wall around myself not letting her in..I did this to protect myself, as I was so gutted every time she slated me, put me down Ect I could not handle her rejecting me all the time. I really thought having a baby might change her, she does not do drugs any more, and is on maternity leave.. As a mum she shows good signs, but also some worrying if she is in for the day, she spends her days in or on the bed, baby in one arm phone in the other.. I help her a lot but she seems to almost resent me Everyone else sees the girl that has changed, friendly chatty Ect ..who posts constantly about her baby as her world Ect.. But inside I feel as if here we go agAin. How awful for u Lily for your grandchildren to go into care.. I feel if I told her health visitor have nothing to complain about, she feeds and takes care of the baby, although she was told that social services would have to be involved if the father was going to be involved..she has been taking baby to prison to see him ..but that relationship will not go smoothly as she loves the drama of fighting .. So many people say it is a great thing to adopt a child..but I did not think it was going to be this hard
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aprilshowers
October 3, 2017 11:02
hi Marlo, gentle hugs to you ((((())))) all my three have had children, sadly my youngest DD baby died,we are here for her, she wants to do it alone or with the unsuitable bf. other DD has one just over a year old and is due to give birth soon, she is just about coping on her own with support of her hardworking bf and us. Its is worrying, but you can only do what you can do, the following you around ranting with bubs in arms is her only way of controlling anything, does not make it right or easy to live with, is it possible for you to set your own personal boundaries around when you are working she has bubs when you can stop you take over and she goes out or does her housework and laundry, then you can get out of house with bubs. you say she is on maternity leave so I am assuming that she will return to work and then bubs may be in childcare, if this is the case the relationship between you all may improve and be on a more adult wavelength, living with you 24 7 must be difficult for her as you are already finding it difficult with her and the behaviours that follow on. One of my DD is being treated for bi-polar, if she sticks to the medication she is ok and can and does have a better relationship with us, but if there is a blip then it all goes south and normally its me on the receiving end, personally I don't think she had bi - polar but a myriad of complex needs and like you we never got the help she needed. I so get the drama of fighting, again its all about how they see the world and themselves, all of mine like a bit of drama and it shows in everything we try to do, no family event goes by without some sort of drama, so bad it was at one time I refused to let them come to my mums funeral, sad but it had to be about me and my loss not their trauma and need for limelight. In all of this take good care of you, those rants and digs will wear you down, will make you unwell. You and your hubby are providing love and stability to your granddaughter, that will go a long way in her development. good to see you back again, remember take care of you. xx
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MARLO
October 3, 2017 12:26
Hi April showers Thought about what you were saying bout boundaries..iWork 3 days a week 2 til 9, what is a reasonable amount that is good to say that I would watch baby.. I was thinking two afternoons during the week every second Frid night and satururday during the day alternate week we take her on Sundays.
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MARLO
October 3, 2017 12:33
Sorry finished too soon, of course any other times it needs to be changed it could. She is not speaking to me at the moment which means I don't get the baby..I find with her she talks constantly wanting to be at your side constant following u ..or she retreats into her room , ignores u completely when you talk, there is no in between This all started through me refusing to take baby for a week next year for her to go on hol with a friend..both my husband and I are self employed already planned a two week holiday, she begged to go on holiday with us, so I pleaded with my son to come too, she was happy we booked that week ( it will be tough saving for as I have boarding for my dogs to pay too) ..but she wants more she deserves more we are being very unreasonable ...and so it went ..but to be honest it could have been the silliest of things that started her. I feel very emotional ..I think I will leave it a few days then suggest some boundaries, my workplace salon is next to the house she won't go there, I want to say to her I will help as much as I can with baby but we find a way of saying I think we should limit our time together ..but will that start another fight ???
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aprilshowers
October 3, 2017 13:00
I do so understand, its called walking on eggshells, and sadly a lot of our children feel that they deserve more than we can give, either emotionally or financially, there is no easy answer, and living with these behaviours is hard and it talks its toll on our own well being and if we are not in good place how can we help anyone else...cycle round and round. Hopefully when in one of her calm moments you will be able to have a proper chat with suggestions on how you can help and be involved, I found whilst the bubs were very little and their demands were less than once they started walking about that's when things changed, once they realised that they had to be on watch 24 7 then our role changed and things settled to a better arrangement, but of course none of mine live with us, that is hard as it is your home and it should feel a safe and happy place. Please make sure you do something for you, it is important, self care, even just a walk out with dogs and a coffee. I am so glad that AUK have now the grandparents board, seeing so many familiar names from years ago and as then WE will be here to support where we can. take care.
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