Archived Forums

have pm you

I did it more by default than anything. I did respite foster care for years for children with profound and complex disabilities and medical problems after work experience at school in my teens sort of inspired me into a career doing that as a nurse. did the respite when I had my own children and wasn't nursing any more. then when I moved abroad in the early '90's I fostered special needs children full time, mainly my now youngest son, and as his overseas adoption fell through and he was heading back into a long term hospital type institution we stepped in an adopted him ourselves. whether we would have done this otherwise I don't know. it is something I had always wanted to do but not something my now ex husband did, though he did for AS becoz he knew him and was fond of him, but he wouldn't have done it for an unknown child.I would do it again if the opportunity arose, but not with an unknown child, but am much older now, almost 20 years older, than I was when we adopted AS! (I was in my early 30's then). but then I never considered mainstream adoption either!

Hi Harlequinmaze, I am assuming from your post that you are a single adopter. As a single adopter I too thought long and hard about whether or not to actively look for a child with special needs. Like you I have a brother with special needs and have grown up in an environment with people with special needs all my life. I chose against which went against every thing I am passionate about but my reasons were quite realistic. I am 45 so even if I took on a slightly older child with special needs they will still need my full support when I'm knocking on 70 and beyond, I do not have a large family or other children so I think if anything happened to me the child would have to go back into care which would be unfair on them-of course as a single adopter that is true of any child/children I have taken on. My brother thrived on being part of a slightly mad, chaotic,never a dull moment family (he was adopted by our family) and I couldn't imagine him having thrived so well in an environment with a single carer. That is just my thoughts based on my experience. There are many children out there with special needs who need that special someone so do not be put off if that is where your heart is taking you-just think it through carefully!Good luckLevygirl

Simba has learning difficulties and autism. I was nearly 47 when he came home. I didnt set out to adopt a child with special needs,in fact if you had asked what I wanted to avoid it was a 8 year old with autism which was what I ended up with.But there was just something about the boy !!I thought long and hard about it, mainly for the reasons Levy sets out, about the very long term future and what would happen is something happend to me. What swung it for me was that despite his difficulties, Simba funtions very well, he made huge progress in FC and continues to do so. He will probably always be more vulnerable than the average person and will need more support into adulthood, he probably won't go to university or be a 'professional' but I can see him living independently, with a job and probably a family of his own. So there are degrees of special needs.Remember as welll that although you have experience with your brother, you did not have ultimate responsibilty for him. Your parents did. Think about things like finances. Its much harder to work with a special needs child, how will you manage. You may get benefits like DLA and adoption allowances, which I do, but its not enough to keep us. I work 22 hours a week and quite frankly I'm shattered. Simba is a medically healthy - I would fine it very difficult if he had medical conditions.Another way to look at it, is that so many adoptive children have additional needs, but dont have a diagnosed condition, but they still need much more input than your average child. They are as much 'special needs' as those who have that label.So, no its not impossible, I wouldnt have my life any other way, but Levy makes some really good points which you should consider

I didn't choose to adopt a child with special needs but as it turned out I now have two! I won't repeat what everyone else says but with a special needs child you may find yourself inundated with appointments. I have three in one day next week. And it's not unusual to have 2/3 appointments a week on a pretty regular basis. How would you cope?Of course it's highly likely test any child placed with you will have some additional needs which may or may not have been known about prior to placement. The trials then of detecting what those needs are and what help and support is required can be very draining. Particularly if they're not visible to the eye and are more to do with trauma and mental health.

I think experience of SEN can certainly be helpful but that it doesn't necessarily translate into meaning it's a good idea to become a parent of an SEN child. Being a sibling is a far different experience than being a parent with all the responsibility, hopes and dreams a parent has, and I suspect you can't really know how that feels until is happens to you. You don't say what SEN your brother has, although it sounds partly at least a physical condition given what you say about an illness. SEN can take many forms and a child with a known disability could turn out to have others not so readily apparent. I have worked with SEN children - with a wide range of disability and needs, but admit I would never consider deliberately adopting an SEN child - so I do have a bias that you might wish to discount!One of my children has fairly significant needs - mainly due to her ADHD which we didn't know she had when she was placed as a baby. It has presented a number of challenges for her and for us (and her sister) - we manage it fine but it does affect how we plan our everyday lives (how she will cope with particular situations, how to manage social events etc). I wouldn't be without her for the world, but her needs have impacted on us in many ways and it hasn't been easy. I can't imagine being a single parent but certainly DH and I have had to work together closely and have supported each other a lot over all the issues. And don't forget most adoptees have some sorts of issues - our younger dd is very normal in a lot of ways, but she has her difficulties too.

Thank you everyone for the relplies, I have a lot of thinking and talking to the family to do. Though I'm still at the beginning of my adopt journey so things may change

Contraversional moment...I think most modern adoptees will have pretty broad emotional difficulties related to their experiences of repeated loss let alone traumaSoKnowing what I do nowI'd say I'd be open to adopting a child who's got special needs as long as they were supported in placement. Team of professionals.I think that this is a more honest way of placing children who have known difficulties.It's better for everyone this way round

We were very open to adopting a LO with special needs as we felt that for various reasons and experiences we would have something to offer and that these LOs were more likely to struggle to find a family.Our two LOs have physical special needs and are wonderful! In a lot of ways, the fact that they have a named disability has meant that we have been given a lot of support from the word go and that things like them going to school and nursery have been well planned and thought through which has meant that we have been able to ensure that things have been in place to help with their emotional needs and promoting attachment. I think it also helped us all bond the fact that they needed us to do stuff for them probably more than other LOs their age and lots of physical closeness when helping them with stuff.People generally are probably much more tolerant of them and their quirks than I expect they would be if they didn't have a visible disability. In a lot of ways this has made life a lot easier for us I think than for many adopters who adopt a child with no known special needs and then find the child has extra needs and have to fight to get a diagnosis, support and understanding (particularly if needs are more emotional/behavioural needs).Also, it has been amazing for us to see them come on leaps and bounds and I am so so proud of them and what they have achieved so far.I think it's important to be realistic about what you think you can manage and what would suit you and your family - for example, as a lot of my DH's sense of humour is verbal and banter, it was important to us that we were matched with LOs who could speak (and I've never seen DH so pleased as when eldest LO made their first joke!). Also we knew that there was good provision locally for LOs with the disabilities LOs have.Anyhow, lots to think about!Good luckx

I think there's a big difference between adopting a child with special needs and parenting a teenager, moving into adult services. You need to think about the longer term as well as how you would enjoy the childhood years. We adopted two children who were supposed to be absolutely fine and then it turned out they have loads of special needs. We were left high and dry by the placing authority. My biggest problem has been with society generally - it has been quite isolating to be honest with you.

Interesting topic for me to read. I'm single and have 3 adopted children.First time I felt I couldn't cope with a "special needs child". I adopted a healthy 6.5 year old (who is now 15) but had some rather challenging emotional and behavioural issues. She has done extremely well and previous issues are nowhere near what they were. When she was 10/11 I decided to adopt again but due to child 1's needs chose to adopt a child with disabilities. Child 2 was a bit of an unknown(was undiagnosed at time of placement) and was also in a very poor foster placement. As time has gone on she has collected more and more labels and is an extremely complex,difficult child. Now the difference between my children is that child 1 attracted no support whatsoever,battles with school were a daily thing with them not getting it and there was very little support other than from other adopters who understood. Child 2 gets masses of support because she has all these labels. One she doesn't have is attachment difficulties which are actually more profound than child 1.However,she gets day care and overnight respite,holiday respite care,goes on a residential holiday for children with disabilities, has a very supportive school and an extremely good and rather expensive package of support around her.Child 3 has a physical disability and again has attracted support although he is mildly affected so not needed much.I would say go with your heart. Be quite clear and hard with yourself what you can deal with. We are all different in what we can cope with and what we can't. Child 2's behaviour could easily be isolating but I have found ways round that and I live in a very supportive community.Also special needs covers a huge range of conditions so again even when considering this think what is ok for you and what isn't. All the very best though.