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We have 2 children not related, big boy the birth family write to him. The envelope from letterbox is addressed to us, so we open it and see it first, but the actually letter starts dear ....... Our sons name.Little man adopted from a different LA ,it should be written to us though his birth family have never written.So I suppose it can vary, it must depend on what the LA decide. Not until we adopted little man and they said letters are written to us did I realise that it sometime happens like that. I just assumed letterbox was to the child.

I always assumed letterbox was from the birth parents to the adopters and vice versa but despite writing annually, we haven't ever had a reply!Just wanted to say I'd keep the letter yourself. If you return it to SS, it may well disappear for ever. And ripping it up could result in a lot of resentment from your child in the future.I'd just keep it somewhere safe till your child is 18.I had a call from SS a year or so ago, saying they had received a letter from birth brother, which they felt was unsuitable for my girls, so did I want them to keep it on file or should they send it to me to keep for the kids? I told them to send it to me - but it has never arrived. This means having to waste yet more time trying to chase up SS.I've kind of given up asking whether letters to birth family are passed on or picked up or whatever, but the lack of feedback is frustrating.

We were given a copy of guidelines for letterbox for both adoptive families and birth families, so we are lucky in that it is very clear what is expected of us. In our case we write to the BM from us (not Kipper), and she is to write back to us addressing the letter to us not Kipper. Maybe it varies according to the age of the child when adopted? Kipper was a baby so has no conscious memories of a BM. We too had an inappropriate letter but were asked whether wanted to receive it. We said no, but I believe it's kept on file somewhere, but I can't help but think, if it was inappropriate and not written according to the guidelines why do they feel they have to keep it on file, and why not just return it to the BM with advice and support for writing a more suitable letter. If its inappropriate than surely the whole point is that you don't want to risk the child ever seeing it, even when over 18.

Hi Larsti,We are in the same situation with you re letterbox, our 2 are full sibs so have the same BP's. We have received 2 letterbox letters from their BP's to date, both addressed to my darling X and Y from your Mummy and Daddy in block capitals and ignoring anything we've said in our letters and both requesting photos.We have kept the letters. Both BP's sent a letter each both times. BM's acceptable, BF's was clearly what was in his head at the time... the content was not offensive just bizarre!I did challenge his first letter and was told basically if the sw's complain too much he will refuse to participate in any further exchanges.If I'm honest I struggle with the letterbox system. I question the benefit of my 2 seeing the letters from the BP's and I frankly am sick of providing tea and roses letters....... So in short yes you are right BP's are supposed to write back to us not the child...... hey ho!!

We have just done our first letterbox letters with my SW here to support. We both had to write a letter - it was so difficult watching DD write a letter starting Dear Mummy when it wasn't for me :-(

Hi,Our LA made sure that letterbox agreements were discussed in advance. We were asked by our SW what we would accept, were guided by their experience and then during the meeting we had with with BP's, letterbox arrangements were raised and agreed and then it was clear in the minutes of that meeting of what all parties had agreed to. Could you go back to your SW and ask for guidelines to be put in place formally? I know that often BP's struggle to manage appropriate letterbox but this may help. In our LB we agreed that no photos would be sent and that our letter would be from us and not AS. The BP's reply to us in their reply but then also address AS later on in the letter. We agreed that as he gets older if he wishes to contribute something himself then he will be able to. J

LB is meant to be between adults, but given that BP's may prefer to write to the children they think they know and sometimes think are still theirs, it is hardly surprising these letters are frequently addressed to children and contain inappropriate information/wording. SS will keep a copy on file regardless of your opinions, so I think it's worth reading them even if you send them back with a lovely note(this will also be on file) about how you think it's not the right time just now, but you have shared age appropriate information. I shortened the letter and re-wrote it and read that to our son as much info on birth sibling being wayward and BM not understanding why. If you can ask for either the placing or your own la/va guide to LB so hope that helps

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it.x

Do you have full parental responsibility/rights? On the assumption you don't have a letterbox/contact stipulation as part of your adoption order (and you are doing this voluntarily), TELL the letterbox coordinator what information the letters should and should not contain. TELL them the letters must be addressed to you, not your child. Give them written instructions if necessary if they still can't get it. While you are about it, ask what their understanding is of the legalities around placing communication received POST adoption order amongst adoption/birth records (and question it indepedantly if you feel it necessary). It is my understanding that adoption records should contain information about the adoption itself (which is why communication received PRIOR to adoption order would be kept), it is not an 'open' file which can be added to at the discretion of a local authority. Adoption records are information gathered by the LA/agency AT THE TIME OF THE ADOPTION. I'm not convinced at all that a letterbox coordinator has any right to make copies of this communication and keep them because, post adoption, SW are merely an intermediary. Please do not dance to the tune of social work on this, YOU not THEY know what is best for your child.

Just to say that letterbox is not always just to adoptive parents. My ds1 has a letter each year from bm and is allowed to write back ( though he never has, and we write a letter in response ) this is appropriate and what he wants because of his age and because he knew and remembers her. I would guess it is different of course if they ate younger and have no memory of birth family.

Like Pingu123, as I mentioned before that birthmum addresses the letter to big boy, he also writes a letter back to them. It is only short as he hates anything to do that involves writing but we also include a letter about the year that has passed. Big boy is happy with this he knows what we have written.Unlike pingu though he was with his foster carer from 9months and been with us since he was 2, he is now 12 and so has no memory of his birth family.Birth mum signs her letter tummy mummy as that was how big boy addressed his letter to her. Since he was 10 he found tummy mummy a bit babyish to use so now he writes her christain name. In our letter to her I explained this to her and she now signs her letter to him by her christain name. We have always been lucky with our letter box that it has gone well is appropriate and regular.Letter box is not opened or read by the letterbox co-ordinater. Unlike our other son, different LA and all letters are read first before forwarding on.

I would say that it is ultimately up to you unless like MGM says it is written in the adoption order, what you except?? So we do, us to BP, but we have BP to child, minimal all over the place letterbox anyway, so for that reason any communication we have is filed away until we can explain. I think most BPs (I might be wrong) would not even entertain sending back to adoptive parents at least in the early years of adoption, therefore I personally think that letterbox coordinators job is to get something from BP's so they make it a bit more in BP's favour. There are two sides to this, in that BP's are basically getting what they want, but at least you get something. However there is also an argument to say that if birth parents can not engage in correct and supportive letterbox which engages with the adoption, letterbox should not take place at all, I read a really good piece on that once, I would say though if that was the case I don't think there would be a lot by way of letterbox communication and the coordinators would be out of a job, so they are unlikely maybe to recommend that. For me I don't know I try and use my glass half full rather than glass half empty glasses on where letterbox is concerned to save my own sanity....

Our letterbox is between siblings - some adopted, some living with extended birth family. Letters are vetted and have been rejected if they contain any reference to missing the children or sending them love which is very harsh considering the oldest sister does love and miss them. I write a letter to the parents (I am aunt to the adoptees and mum to their youngest sibling) but as its only once a year its difficult to include any questions which may be relevant at the time but not a year later. So its generally just a newsletter of our daughters activities during the previous year.