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Hi PuppyloveI'm sorry you you had a hard time. Unfortunately not everyone, even social workers get our disabilities without just pointing out the negatives which is why I think it is vital we are able to provide them with as much info as possible. I found that it was a good thing to be involved with other disabled parents, people who have similar situations and who I knew were the best to advise me or make me think of ways, techniques or equipment that may make my job as a parent easier. Or at least I would know where to find it all if I ever needed the help. Please don't be disheartened, I went through the same at first by a sw from a va - and that was over a phone call! She'd never even met me!!! So don't worry, get in touch with others on line or otherwise and you'll find you'll have the answers they want by your next visit. Xx

Ahhhh PuppyloveAm really sorry it didnt go so well with the LA social worker. It does sound like the VA were more positive.Dont give up honey...BM x

thanks guys... its just hard... i know I'm small enough to get lost in a see of primary schoolers, but usually when people meet me I'm very "take charge" and that makes it easier to think of me as an adult. obviously i couldnt be very take charge with the SW but i figured.... professional used to dealing with all kinds of cases...and i explained as much as i could, and asked her if there was anything i could do to alleviate her concerns...she just coming back to "your so tiny" and how she had concerns about my ability to deal with a potentially violent older child who would be as big as i am. she repeatedly told me i looked about 13... and the first thing she said was "you barely look old enough to BE adopted never mind Adopt" i found that really unprofessional. and even with the initial shock of my disability after i explained there shouldnt have been any need to keep coming back to it.... sorry im getting carried away with the rant

oh forgot to mention im almost 30 so talking to me like im a teenager and telling me i look 13 .... seriously frustrating.

hiJust to say a couple of things:1) Yep you have an impairment. VAs are much more likely in my experience to see YOU and then consider your ways of living with your impairment as most important.2) A strong 13 yr old. There aren't many adults who can contain a strong 13 yr old. TBH lots of us Mums struggle with strong 8 yr olds and one of the repetative commments on these boards are about fears involved in Mums worried about how on earth they are going to cope when their already meaty 8 yr old when he/she is 10+yrs. This is where robust back up comes into play and this includes restraint and handling techniques and impressive post adoption support....With respect, its not much to do with impairment but a chance for demonstration of resourcefulness.I have recently been in hospital and again struck by and appauled by the way that professionals treat disabled people in such a disempowered and "list of problems" way rather than "list of possibilities" way!KEEP GOING you have a great deal to offer.

Thanks pear tree.SW also passed comment about lak of partner, and dismissed my friends as a support network. Yes one of my friends lives 40 mins away but if I needed, she'd move heaven and earth to get here and I have my dad a mile up the road (whom she completely dismissed) and my brother lives across the street, and although he wouldn't be my first port, if I was at the end of my rope he would come through (bro has aspergers syndrome although is fine with family it's new social situations he can't deal with).I had also stated that although I have no objection to an older child, a younger child might be more suited so that we have longer to bond and for potential AC to accept me as a parent, before they out grow me. I don't get it. I drive, I own my own home, I have pets and keep physically active, and I manage to work a not so typical 6 day week, (would prob change that after adoption) it's not as though I'm incapable! Yes, most people double take when they see me cause I'm only 4ft 5, but that's their problem.Ia did tae Kwon do for 2 years for blummin sake!............ sorry rant over.

I probably should have also included that ie was purely for the point of bonding I have been approved for a baby as im a wheelchair user and I always had this in mind. As has already been mentioned, a lot of the children do have their problems and can really be a handful but the fact I went.in prepared with ways I would do things they were convinced I would be a good parent. But as I found out early on, talk to sw about how you would 'adapt to the situation in order to look after your child's needs' rather than talking specifically about the child adapting to your needs - I was told off about this straight away.... Just a small pointer x

the VA SW just called me back (the one that had been more positive) and said that after speaking with her superiors, it was thought that a combination of factors were working against me.it wasnt any one thing... but as I'm a single applicant, (and a disability) with only a small support system, and finances were mentioned too, and my experience with children (i work with children but havent really any nieces or nephews and any time i have spent solely responsible for a young child was about 10 years ago) .... it was felt that my chances of matching were very low and it might not be worth going through the process to approval panel.I dont know where to go from here.... there arent that many agencies in Northern Ireland, and I dont think i can get a home assessment from an agency over the water. I dont know where to go from here.I was in the process of looking at my finances to see if i was entitled to some benefits that would mean i could afford to pay my mortgage while on adoption leave. and i was going to arrange an appointment to get my medical sorted. I just dont know what to do.

Would it be worth putting assessment on hold for, say, one year. Then overpay this year's mortgage payments so that you can then take a mortgage holiday when you are on adoption leave. Also make loads of enquiries about what benefits you would be entitled to during/after adoption leave so you go into a meeting with a social worker with all the financial information in place. This would immediately remove one of their objections to you as an adopter.You certainly won't be the first disabled single adopter - I'm sure there will be a few on the boards. While you are sorting out the finances, think through how you would cope and include everyone you can think of as a support for you including those people you will meet after you adopt, your GP, Health Visitor etc etc. Maybe you could even get your friends to put it in writing that they would be available to help you at short notice too.It might also be worth getting training at work on assertiveness - I'm not saying that you are not assertive enough but I found that my best way of dealing with my AC was to use my assertive voice rather than my physical strength to keep them in line.Hopefully, the combination of all these things - and perhaps some childcare experience during this time too - might completely change the point of view of the SWs. I hope so.

thanks for the advice mrmlegal. i had planned to do things like this in the next few months anyway. i thought that was the idea of an initial interview... to find out what you needed to do? i work with large groups of children on a day to day basis so even though im tiny, my assertive voice is very effective. i also used to be a cox for a mens boat club theres no messing with me The VA SW isnt in the office for the next week so I think i will get all my ducks in a row and call them back....Can i also say, after telling me that they might not take me on both SW's asked.... How do you feel about that?.....WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?is this some kind of test?

I'd suggest you just get all your evidence available before you meet with them again. Be able to prove that, although you are small in stature, you are well able to control other people. Try to get something from the Boat Club about your abilities - prove everything you can.The SWs will certainly be wanting to see if you have sticking power or if you give up at the first hurdle. Keep at it.

I think mrmlegal is really right about getting your plans together. Stickability and addressing issues raised is part of the process and yes its extra tough for people who dont readily fit in "boxes". I have never been a good box fitter! actually- lots of adopters arent! But you are a professional person who is taking this all on board and working through stuff.I get what the SW is saying at matching but there are children who are needing families of ALL shapes and sizes whose strengths are varied and have their weakness' supported.Yes adoption is being a specialist parent for a child who hurts. It reads to me that you are very much bearing this in mind. That is a huge plussome people ARE judgemental and will be very cutting in what they say. There is a perception amongst some SWs that disabled people are needing of services and unable to offer much and looking for a child to meet their own needs. Disabled parents that SWs have met have tended to be parents who are pretty hopeless, use their children as unpaid carers and are just not accepting and all over the place. High levels of cavernous needs for the whole family. Its hard not to be offended by comments that give away this underlining prejudice from the images they have in their heads! I cant run after my children and have never been able to. But what I can offer is safety, stability and security in other ways and if you read my post on the "wonder of adoption" on the main boards you can see what sort of parent I have turned out to be. keep going

Hi PuppyLoveSorry to hear that it's proving hard to get started."but as I'm a single applicant, (and a disability) with only a small support system, and finances were mentioned too, and my experience with children (i work with children but havent really any nieces or nephews and any time i have spent solely responsible for a young child was about 10 years ago) .... "I am a single adopter (sorry, no disability, but certainly a life history that could have been interpreted as overly traumatic, needs counselling etc)no family nearby - nearest family is 120 miles, most family 300 miles plusfinances - when I applied I wass never overdrawn, but very very low salary, not a homeowner etcI worked with children 9extensively), but no nieces or nephews etc, no children had stayed overnight in my home. I suppose I had lived and worked in a therapeutic community but it was around 7 years before application.So your situation does not per se debar you from adopting. In some ways it sounds like you are in a stronger position than I was.So keep fighting - as I see you are!Regarding support network: the one occasion the chips were so badly down that email/telephone/the boards/local (good) friends/colleagues etc just couldn't do it, I rang my aunt at 4.30 (admittedly sobbing) asking her to come. (She had said I could always do this, but I hadn't expected to use it!). She walked out of work, didn't even go home and drove straight to my house, 2 hours or so away. She was at my house by 6.45. I am very grateful of course, and just knowing she was en route gave me the strength to manage those two hours. I do have local friends who could come much faster, as well and they were accepted as key parts of my support network. Once or twice when I have been struggling, family members have abandoned their own plans for the weekend to get down here. Again, just knowing that they will be here at the weekend helps in itself. My brother has assured me that if there is crisis as described above when I rang my aunt, I must ring him and he will come. This is from four hours away. It's enough. What you need to know is that you can get help when you need it. Distance is manageable. There is very little that you will not be able to cope with for the time it takes for someone to get to you if you have a friend who will come at a moment's notice from 40 minutes away. Hope that helps, I do realise that the issue is actually convincing social workers not you.Good luck!

Thought I'd let you guys know what had been going on. The LA has decided that they don't have the resources to take me through to panel as my chances of matching are so poor. The VA SW called me to let me know that she had spoken to her supervisor and they weren't sure either and since then the VA SW has been off sick. There aren't any other agencies available here, so if the VA decides not to go ahead, I won't have any recourse. I have an appointment to get my medical done this month with my GP. The VA had said she didn't want me to have to pay for it if it didn't look like they were going to take me on. I don't know how much it will cost me yet, my doc is on hols. I guess I'm hoping that when they get a full medical, they will realise that I'm still very capable, even with my petite height and in ability to reach above my head. I just have my house sorted now so that there isn't any thing UP where I can't reach it. And I get on with my life like anyone else. And if my disability means I can't go for a run, that doesn't mean I can't drive a kid to the local park. Honestly, I'm trying to get up the nerve to call the VA again, to see if the social worker is back yet. Also, what is the deal with the stupid question. Both SW's when they have told me it wasn't looking good, have asked me, how would I feel if they didn't go a head? And then the same after the LA told me they weren't going to take me on. What kinda question is that? how do you think I would feel?

Can you ring the adoption uk helpline? they will know about some of the services etc in your area but it sounds very much to me like they are discriminating against you on grounds of disability only- not capability and this is (as I understand the DDA) illegal.AUK have a legal advice person who is excellent.Pear tree

So I rang on Friday, SW working from home left a message which was emailed to her.Called again today..... Turns out SW only works part time and won't be in until Thursday. I have re-arranged my doctors appointment to get my medical forms filled out (it was supposed to be Wednesday but moved until Monday) and I'm going to ring SW on Thursday and get clarification, on what they actually have a problem with. As I said before, they gave me a very vague list, most of which could be sorted, or just needed looked at in more detail etc. Do they really feel that there isn't possibly a child out their that I would be an appropriate parent for? Well im getting clarification, then making the next move.Its just frustrating. Half a dozen phone calls and no one mentioned SW was only part time.

Good for you! I think you just have to keep pushing on.

blummin SW was supposed to be in tomorrow.... and clever me left my phone home today... get home to 2 missed calls and messages... SW wont be in the office until NEXT thursday... and was trying to get me before leaving the office today.... so much for that plan....dont know what to do about my Doc appointment on Monday to get the Medical forms filled out... i had hoped to talk to SW before Doc.should i just get them done anyway? i dont know what the doc is going to charge me for them.

Any news?By the way, the "How do you feel about........................?" is a favourite question amongst sw. When I started my adoption journey I was new to social-worker-speak and a question like this from a stranger would totally throw me too. You get used to it! And if you (hopefully) get a sw more on your own wavelength for homestudy then the level of questionning will feel more natural as you get to know them.Hope you have a positive response from the VA soon.