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Realise of course having read posts on here over the years and todays post by Noisy wall flower we are not alone and many have far worse. It just sometimes helps to vent. I just find it so hard to switch off from it all; probably worse this week as I am on half term and have more time to think about it all.

Firstly congratulations on getting her to 17 safely - you have done a great job. It is a tough one, but at 17 she is going to want to make her own choices and with those, she will make some mistakes too. Think carefully abut what battles you want to fight and what is most important here eg What would you prefer - her boyfriend to stay over at yours in her room where she is safe, or they are together at a stranger's house? Maybe there is some compromise - he can stay over if she gets the implant or similar? Realistically she is not far off 18 and at that point can do pretty much what she wants, so I'd suggest you concentrate on keeping your relationship with her good, even if that means compromising on some of your own values. I too have a 17 year old and whilst I don't like some of his choices, I do accept and love him and get that he needs to learn for himself - often by getting it wrong first! Again I'd also recommend Potato - though you might find some of what others experience quite shocking!

Hi. I allow my son and his gf to sleep together here - 17 and 18 - but they’re in a long term committed relationship. She’s very mature and sensible, both planning on Uni this year, fingers crossed, and she’s a joy to have around. They’re good for each other and I’m quite comfortable about it. In your circumstances I might feel less comfortable however I think I might prefer them to be where I can have some input and provide some supervision, even if I didn’t entirely approve. Thing is, if they’re sleeping together then they’re going to do it wherever and I’d prefer them to be safe rather than somewhere unsafe. I do though understand how awkward it can be having another person around the house ... been there! I think the most important thing is contraception. If she’s not on the pill then they need to be using condoms. A frank conversation with both of them? Ultimately we can’t choose our children’s partners - all we can do is be there if/when it does all go txts up.

I would just add that your AD can get an implant. This is a safe method of contraception that is injected into the upper arm and lasts for three years (at least I think that it does). It is available on the NHS. We can't choose our children's partners but can help our children to explore partnership without having to worry about children of their own as well. I understand and sympathise entirely with your dilemma about having another person around the house but agree with others that it is better if you keep your young person near if you can. Could you have a frank conversation, get AD to agree to an implant (or other form of contraception - although my research indicated that for this age the implant is the best option) and then set some ground rules, perhaps?

Hi. My son is in a destructive controlling relationship that creates total misery. GF comes from the other side of the county. Totally dysfunctional family and she has many issues. We tried the staying in seperate rooms thing but they just ran about at night so it was just rediculous. Partridge on one hand saw nothing private about his sex life and so flaunting it in my face was really disrespectful and hurtful. Especially because he’d swear blind he wasn’t sexually active when he clearly was. Contraception is a convo to have. We supplied condoms and got a moral lecture from partridge about how he wasn’t sexually active and how could I think that if him. In the meantime was off sleeping with gf and posting on social media about it. No condoms used of course. He’s not good at being faithful, not that he’d admit that either. Again no condoms used. I thought I’d never wish infertility on anyone but I hope they remain childless.

Thanks for all your input. Hoping to get her to family planning tomorrow. Have tried to convince an implant is the best idea, as she will never remember to take pills. ( I already remind her about all her other medication, do not want to be responsible for that too !) I do agree allowing him to stay here is the safest option. Not sure if I can convince dh though !

Hi. Quite similar here over the past few years so I totally sympathise. Firstly yes try to get her an implant. Secondly, don't let him sleep in her room if you don't feel comfortable with it. I allowed it but after 10 months and we thought the boyfriend was lovely. I think our kids do often need boundaries even if they don't like them. I am most worried though by what you say about him being controlling. Did you know that controlling and coercive behaviour in a relationship is now a criminal offence? People from a trauma background are at risk of relationships like this, either as victim or perpetrator. And it can be going on without anyone else realising, as I discovered recently ie the seemingly lovely boyfriend my daughter had wasn't as nice as we thought. I would urge you to read up about controlling and coercive behaviour in a relationship and find resources near you to help your daughter. The longer she stays with him, the harder it becomes. These guys can be very dangerous - 2 women a week are killed by their partner or ex and so many more stay in abusive relationships as they are too scared to leave. I would suggest you focus on helping her with her self esteem so she can make better relationship choices and break free from this one. You may find that a local service can help. But also think about getting her some therapy - you can apply to the ASF if you are in England, as her vulnerability in relationships will be connected to her early life experiences. You could also consider some equine therapy sessions as these are really good 're relationships. Basically I think you are facing a potentially very dangerous situation here and him staying over or not is the least of it. Does your daughter talk to you? Keep lines of communication open. Be vigilant for any signs of coercive and controlling behaviour from the bf. You can protect her to an extent right now as she is 17 by contacting services or even the police if you are worried. When she is 18 you can do nothing if she won't comply. I have been to hell and back re my daughter and her ex. Please be vigilant and aware of the new laws around toxic relationships. I had no idea xxx

This is such a difficult place to be in as a parent. I think Flosskirk has great advice about new laws regarding abusive/toxic relationships - I just looked up 'abusive relationships law' on Google and there is tons there. There might be articles you could show your DD. xx

There was a documentary on channel 5 last night called The Abused, followed by How to Leave an Abusive Relationship. It's currently available on catch up, it's worth a watch in my opinion. My guess is most headstrong teenagers won't take any notice if their parents are concerned about their choice of partner. It's more important to maintain your relationship with them so I least she has someone to go if she wants to split with he. My daughter has recently started sharing a bed at her boyfriends parents house but they have been seeing each other for over a year and she has a contraceptive implant. He sometimes stays over at our house, I would let them share a bed but DH won't - he says they would never want to move out. But my daughter's boyfriend is doing an apprenticeship and is from a stable family. It doesn't sound like your daughter's boyfriend has a proper home, and you risk him "moving" in permanently if you start letting him stay regularly. If he has quit college and has no job there is also the issue of who is financially supporting him.

Thank you all for your advice. Sorry not to have posted but have had a lot of trouble signing in for some reason.We will certainly be very vigilant about boyfriend. he has now been asked to leave the flat where he has been staying and is being forced by social services to return to his Dad's.; so I predict more trouble as she is not allowed round there anymore due to her phoning the police when there was the violent incident. Been about contraception and will be having an implant next week; so that will be one less worry. I have looked up cohersive and controlling behaviour in a relationship and will try to watch the tv programme. DD is hopefully soon going to receive therapy through ASF and some work on PTSD in her early years, but am worried she has got beyond listening to anyone. We have had a truly horrific half term behaviour wise; will not elaborate; but I know underneath it all is an anxious girl who doesn't really want to grow up and still calls on us when she is in difficult situations. It is extrememely difficult to build on our relationship at present as we can so rarely have a calm conversation without her becoming volatile. Thanks again for your comments. I know it is such a problem with adopted teens; and many others face a lot worse.

I just wanted to respond to your comments about therapy - as you said you are worried she has gone beyond listening to anyone - just to say therapy is about someone listening to you rather than you listening to someone (I'm sure you know - but just trying to put a positive take on it) and can be a very powerful experience especially for someone who feels no one listens to them (as most teens do) so may be helpful (hopefully). I'm also trying to find help for the safeguarding aspects - trying to keep themselves safe - as this is such a huge issue for my AD too - she has been getting therapy from a specialist organisation and is about to start life story work but I am also looking for what is best for the safeguarding aspects. Something like this may help your daughter if anyone can advise - so many of our kids are vulnerable to these type of coercive relationships as well as to actual assaults. I will let you know when I find something suitable (if I do)

Thanks Safia that would be very useful.I have let our ASF sw know about the escalation in behaviours, and I know her college have as it is all affecting her work there. It is such a shame as she was doing so well.

Well I was astonished to hear from dd tonight that she and boyfriend have broken up ! Am really hoping this doesn't change. (horrible mum) Am hoping she has realised for herself what he is really like; but with his persistence it might not be the end unfortunately. Feel more positive tonight, until the next episode of course !