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I think it is sooo hard because the way a child appears on paper/in the lead up to bringing them home/and even in the first few months they are home can be radically different to how they are once they are settled. My sw and I didn't feel I could manage a child with known disabilities. In fact, my sw ended up (and I agreed) saying one LO I was looking at would probably not be a good match. The LO initially looked like a good match but as time went on their were increasing uncertainties about potential disabilities. However, that said, some single adopters do take on children with disabilities and manage extremely well. I might have considered it but my sw really didn't it would work out well for me for many reasons. Hopefully some single adopters who have taken on children with known disabilities will post about their experience. In some ways, with this you are going in with your eyes open as you know what the issues are.For me, I ended up not being shortlisted for a LO who looked perfect. I had many anxieties and doubts once linked with the LO I was matched with. However, it has been a good match so far. I was fortunate I think in that my sw would only show me profiles of children she felt would be a good match and would tell me no if she thought is wasn't. One thing that springs to mind, is thinking about what age would work best for you. I am aware the disruption was with an older child. At one point I was thinking of looking at older children than I had originally planned. I am so glad I didn't. I have loved having a little one (under 2 when placed). I guess it might be harder to predict their issues though. I know that it wouldn't have been right for me to change to an older child. I think the hardest part of the whole process or at least it was for me is the linking part. It must be very difficult indeed following a disruption with a child your gut had felt was right. Interestingly, I didn't have that gut feeling with my LO. A lot of my decision was head based ... weighing up what I knew, what the future issues could be and whether I felt I could potentially manage.I so wish I could give a more definitive answer. Hopefully others will be along to add some different perspectives.With very best wishes,Minnie x

i's not really about the best 'type' of child for a single adopter but about the right child for you and the right parent for the child. most of the children I have had fostered with me I would have said would have thrived in almost any family makeup. sw's have invariably gone with two parent heterosexual couples for adoption, one little girl went to live with a single auntie (SGO). one little girl everyone thought would do best in a couple, they disrupted, couldn't cope with her. i'm a single carer and was (in my opinion if not the sw's) managing well with her as a singly. and I continue to believe she would do better with one carer, or possibly a same sex couple as she displayed some problems managing with two standard parents and now has the rejection by them to also deal with.as a parent of an adopted child myself (tho was married at the time) I have a disabled son, went into it eyes open and actualy he was far easier to care for once I left my then husband!you need to think really what could I manage myself, rather than think which type of child would best suit. some singlies do better being placed with older children, some with younger, some with healthy children, some with disabled etc, just as couples have to think.some children DO really need either a couple or a singly, but most children will adapt to most family makeups, so its more about what you feel you can manage and while thinking on that you'd need to realistically consider your support network and financial security (or lack of) coz that will have a bearing on what kind of child you can hope to successfully parent as well.

I'm not sure such a thing exists. A type of child? What does that mean?I have three - they're all different, their needs, personalities etc are all different. Even my half sibs are nothing alike. I couldn't really classify any of them as a 'type'. They're children - just all different.I'm not a single adopter of course but given the needs of my children I am a stay at home mother as I've not been able to return to paid employment. 'Luckily' two have DLA and I claim carers which helps enormously.I guess your confidence has taken something of a battering. You chose this child, with a child specific approval and it didn't turn out how you imagined it may for all sorts of reasons. tbh I think, for now, you need to take some time out, grieve - as I'm sure you will need to grieve for your loss - and possibly rethink your criteria in good time.Whether you go for an older or younger child - there will be no guarantees. With an older child the issues may well be more apparent. As they were with this child. With a younger child those same issues may well be there but are hidden. And only surface with time. As has been the case with my children.Ultimately the match has to be right. You have to be the right parent for that child - not necessarily the child being right for you. Maybe go back and look through what you said you could and couldn't cope with? What abilities/disabilities do you think you could manage as a singly? If younger, how would you manage child care? How much time would you be able to take off work to settle in etc?Look at the practicalities of younger vs older. Mine are now older and in a lot of ways becoming easier BUT that's because I've spent years fighting for the diagnoses they now have and they now have the right help and support in place.

Although a bit of a different situation as I was a respite carer for my 2 for 3 years before they came home full-time, the fact that they were older worked for me. They were both used to, and coping well with, school/pre-school full-time (and with extras such as Teddies/Girl Guides). I had a pretty good idea of their strengths and needs. Plus they had a strong and positive relationship with each other, which in itself gives me as a singly a bit of a break. They were 13 and 5 when they came home for good.YD is turning out to have some particular needs I didn't know about, but in the grand scheme of things they aren't huge - she should be able to cope in mainstream school and her behaviour is manageable.I think what has made it work is that from the start they both wanted a mum. They was a gap in their lives and they were both capable of attachment, even if it is a bit wobbly for LO. We have had our bumps, but they have been as committed as I have to making it work - in their own way given their ages etc. We have our similarities and differences in personality - I think that is less of a factor. Also, I don't think age is necessarily the deal-breaker. ED & I met when she was 10 - that hasn't stopped me from being 'Mum' - although she also has a stronger connection to BM than YD. But children do have 2 parents without it being a problem! It helps that BM is fully supportive of them being with me, but also ED was fed up with the situation she was in because of BM - so appreciates what I can give even though she also misses aspects of her old life. From what you have posted it seems to me neither the boy you were matched to nor his SWs really committed to his relationship with you. I can understand his fears, of course, but allowing intros to go on indefinitely perhaps allowed his fears to build rather than helping him overcome them.

Everyone is so right, there are no right answers! My social worker always had an instinct I would be better with a 3 or 4 yr old, but my LO is 6.5 and perfect.I was brutally honest about what I could cope with. I am constantly on the go and feel caged when I am at home, so I needed to be matched with a child who would thrive on being out and about. We are a very female dominated family, so instinct told me a girl and preferably a girls girl. I couldn't afford not to work so a school age child seemed logical, but it also needed to be a child who could cope with after school care and would be reasonably happy at school.I held out for what I knew was right and made sure my SW knew it too. My beautiful little princess is actually made for me, and was well worth the inevitable wait.

Oh Aquarelle, if my memory serves me right, this must be very very recent. I am so sorry - do take time to grieve this, it is a huge loss.If I remember rightly your LO was older, and sounded very challenging right from the off. Now there are really good examples of older kids who settle really well, and of younger kids who turn out to be very difficult to manage within a family.For me, attachment was the key thing. You will be hard pressed to find a child who does not have attachment issues of some kind, but my DS bonded well with FCs, had one set of FCs from infancy, and every indication was that he would settle well with me. And he has - he is insecurely attached, I would say, so his anxiety and control issues can be draining, but he is also loving and affectionate.I do not blame you one bit for being very wary now, but this time round you will be much better equipped to read between the lines. Good luck and keep bouncing ideas off us.

Thanks.Tokoloshe I think you are right to say that the intros went on for too long, fears definitely built up – on both sides. In the end it felt that the child was asked whether he wanted to stay in his foster family, near his friends/siblings and retain all the privileges he had acquired... or move in with me, the stranger from far away with new rules and loads of uncertainties. And I was basically told by his SW that yes, he did want a forever family, but no, not me. Luckily I have my own reasons to think it best to leave it at that, otherwise I'd feel just confused and wounded.The right parent for the right child? Sounds good. But how on earth do we know that until we actually live together for a while? I think that what 'older' echoes in me now is more time being attached to a family (birth and foster) and lifestyle, i.e. more difficulty accepting me. Otherwise, in practice a 8-9y old would suit me as much as a 4-5y old. Where everyone sees being attached to FC as a wonderful sign, I now worry about the loss that'll occur and having to 'compete' for 'love'! this is wrong.Yes I am taking time to grieve. Writing, talking, steaming, holidaying is all part of it. I know I'm not ready to move on.

The myth is that if a child is attached to its Fc then that attachment can be transferred happily to the next carer, ie you. In reality attachment is what happens with the child's first primary carer and its a style. The relationship a child has with a foster carer may well be completely different to the one he will have with you.In this case it does appear that someone should have had a difficult conversation with the child and his Fc prior to any plans for adoption being made. Maybe he felt more comfortable with his Fc family because he wasn't fully theirs and he felt safer that way? Not all children can cope with a forever family.As for how do you know, well that's a leap of faith really. You have to hope that you've made the right choice and then work damned hard on the relationship to get it right.Not all relationships are the same. My three are different and my relationships are different. Bonding, time taken to love each child was different. It ranged from an immediate pull for one to three years for another. But it now transpires that that child has autism and she can be very tricky to parent.It's life changing and whilst you obviously need to do all tge thinking and planning that you can there will come a point when you just have to go for it and cross everything.

I am so sorry to hear your news, it must be very difficult. When reading your experience I had wondered if little one was being prepared appropriately. My son was considered a very hard to place child, he had multiple placements and asked for a Dad. However when I seen his paperwork I thought there was nothing that frightened me off, I met with many people in his life before being formally matched. His SW advised that she thought they wouldn't get anyone for him, and had to balance her excitement at the prospect of a parent with the need to make sure I was right for DS. Initially DS really missed his FC's, he had major sleep issues, really struggles at school, but I genuinely believe he couldn't do better anywhere else. There were always going to be challenges, and I'm pretty sure the teen years will be quite challenging. DS would probably love a Dad, however would really struggle with sharing either a Dad or a Mum, so I suspect he would have done some splitting. DS loves spending time with two of my male relatives, so going into the match I knew I would have some male role models. I will probably need to rely heavily on them when he is a teen. However DS is attached to me, insecurely attached, but attached nonetheless. I no longer have a social life, I'm too exhausted, but DS also has fears about other adults, he also worries about being abandoned again. In essence I agree with the others that there is no ideal child for a single person. I think there needs to be a very open and thorough home study that helps parents identify area of concerns/needs they did not know they had. My SW checked that I did not feel the need to do the baby or toddler years. But equally important is making sure a child is well prepared for moving to a new family. I hope you are being well supported, it must be so tough.

If you havent already had one, ask for an attachment styles interview. Mine didnt tell me anything new but did give me evidence for what I needed from my child :-) xx

What "type" of child for a single adopter? A very easy one! Sorry to be a bit flippant but it never ceases to amaze me when I read of single parents being placed with very complex and difficult children. How on earth are they expected to cope?! At least a couple have built in respite possibilities and can support each other. I would never have been able to parent my most difficult child alone.Obviously there are no guarantees in adoption, but you are not too old in your mid to late forties to adopt a young baby or toddler, and that might be easier in many ways. More uncertainty perhaps, but the opportunity to form a close bond and to get to know your child really well before life becomes more complex in its demands on the child (school etc.). Jmho. I hope you will be able to take it easy, be kind to yourself and re-group. You seem to me to have a very generous spirit and have a lot to give an adopted child.

sorry, but disagree fruitcake. some difficult children do much better with a single person than a couple for any number of reasons. and some single people manage complex children better than some couples can. I managed small bubs for 3 years, with complex (at the time) medical and developmental needs, and would have continued for permanence had it been allowed by the ss (stupid reasons why it wasn't) but the couple who came to adopt her disrupted becoz they couldn't, as a couple, manage her. its not down to the number of parents but to the individual strengths of each individual parent whether in a couple or as a singlie, and we all need to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses, that way we get the 'right' child.

I agree with loadsofbubs - we all have different triggers ourselves and what is manageable for one person is a nightmare for someone else.And age isn't so much the issue - my ED is more straightforward than my YD.Take time to grieve and regroup, and of course reflect - but don't get too negative. Our fears are often worse than the reality, and you will probably cope better than you thought!

I'm not sure there is a 'type' of child, but I would be honest with yourself about what you feel you can cope with and don't take on a child that has whatever it is that you really didn't want to face.Obviously they may then turn out to have problems, but what I mean is try not to wear rose-tinted specs when reading their profile.Also, don't write off a child just because someone else may find them difficult. My dd broke apart three sets of foster carers - quite literally, she caused cracks in their relationships and one even stopped fostering as a result. She is very good at triangulation... Yet she isn't a problem in that way for me - there is no-one else to play me off against, and she gets me all to herself. So she really needed a single parent, and I could cope where the foster carers (all couples) couldn't.