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Busy morning.

Hi AquarelleI get it - I totally get where you are coming from. The experts all say to funnel, but if you don't have the personal resources to do it, that doesn't make you a bad person. You shouldn't feel shamed or anything that you can't do this thing.I adopted two girls together and just about fell apart with the stress of it. Some people may say that I should never have adopted them - well, I got it together (much) later on and we are a family twelve years later.I did have a partner, so it wasn't as full-on as you will have it, but then again, I did have two children.One of them is incredibly clingy - always has been. The thing is, I wasn't prepared for this level of relationship. All the people in my family kind of keep a very high level of personal space going. I was completely unprepared for very demanding children, emotionally speaking.Relationships and attachment are a marathon, not a sprint. I know quite a few people who did things 'wrong' in the early days/weeks/months by getting relatives involved, going on holiday, taking their children to nurseries etc. It's harder to do this nowadays - in my day the sws kind of left you to it so people did make time for themselves if they needed it.I would just say, do what you can, and do it to the best of your ability, but don't feel you HAVE to do certain things if you simply can't cope. Find strategies that work for you - you might use the tv more than you expected, or have friends round when you might have thought you would be funneling. You might go to the park or pay for soft play sessions every day to get the chance to speak to some other mothers.The summer is hard as people are not in a routine, but on the other hand, the weather is good and you can get out and about.Think cinema, swimming, where you can be together but not too much.Really feel for you and don't want you to feel that you are alone on this one.

Be nice to yourself!Me time is not gone, just very different. I imagine this will be a bit similar to caring for a really, really screamy baby after a terrible labour. Lots of conflicting emotions, panic, guilt, regretFind small things that will give you pleasure ie lovely handcream , shower products, good coffee. Don't let your child know this! Learn to breathe. Properly. It is transformative. Also learn to zone out a little...really make the most of your 5 minutes in the loo.Try to focus more on positives than negatives if you can. Basically try to change yourself just a little, you cannot change your child.Young boys need loads of exercise, get out and about. Things are also much less intense outside. Try very hard not to let your child see what really presses your buttons and NEVER attempt a phone conversation with child present.Try to live in the moment and forget the thing that upset or annoyed you just now.Ask for support, whether cleaning, respite for a couple of hours, whatever.You are doing the hardest thing ever and deserve much nicer responses than some you have had.Very best wishes

some people may have put it more sympathetically but I'm afraid the message is still the same, you need to park thoughts of any meaningful me time for quite a while.Funnelling I think is a different issue, I certainly couldnt do it as a singly and introduced Simba to other people after 3 days. Simba has been home just about 18 months - I have just had my first evening out, and in June he had a whole night at Cub camp. The only time I get to read is in the bath or 10 minutes before I fall asleepAs you have an older child presumably he will be in school or nursery in September. Then you will get some time between 9 and 3, when you arent shopping, washing, ironing..Seriously though this is what saved me, I had a bit of time to go to the gym and have a sauna and just catch up on myself. But after school, weekends,school holidays, when he is home its all about him. He needs the attention and you know what, its paying off. He has had a wonderful school report and is makeing proper friends. We have a good life but it didnt happen in a few weeks or months.Dont underestimate the time it will take to establish your new life properly. I think it took us until the new year, so 8 or 9 months, by which time Simba was settled in school and was going to cubs and Wooodcraft folk, (a whole hour each of me time in the evening) to really get established.But really your life know is about his needs, not yours. Of course you need to get out and about with him, meet friends, chat on the phone when he is in bed. But it really is unrealistic to expect him to understand that you have needs and to give you space, does any child?Good luck

Hi Aquarelle, my girls were almost eight and almost five on placement, and looking back on it, I wonder how we got through those first few months.There is no denying that adopted children are extremely demanding and require a lot of imput. Assuming he will go to school in September, focus on surviving until then, and although others may disagree, in my view some me time is essential.Dividing the day into short, manageable chunks helps. Grab some time to sit down and breath when you can - when he is playing in the garden or at the park, there is no reason why you can't sit and watch, so long as you continue to interact with him. Invite family or friends over, and once he gets to know them a bit, ask if they can play with him while you do a bit of cleaning or do your own thing. Don't worry about using TV as a babysitter if it occupies him for an hour. You can always iron or read the paper in the same room.I used to long for 6pm so I could get them into the bath, into PJs, and then a bit of calming TV (the bedtime hour on Cbeebies was good), and to bed by about 7.30. Yes, it's early, but both me and the children were exhausted by then. Even now, four years on, early bedtime is the only thing that keeps me sane.Just remember he will be controlling because he is scared, and also that he will be developmentally much younger than his actual age.Congratulations and good luck,Papergirl x

I don't know what the 'right' answer to this is but I am a single adopter of 2 siblings placed about 18 months ago. I had terribe intros and then LOs and I were all pretty ill on placement. So I was pretty shell shocked by the time I got the children back home even though I had been well prepared in advance. I also remember how tired I was after intros. Unfortunately for me my LOs are not good sleepers so I'm still pretty tired now.You will get to do things you enjoy again. Your life is not over! BUT you may have to wait a while to do some of those things again and other things you will find you have to shelve. Maybe you will modify some things. It will be all about him at the start and I think you need to try and accept that.So what do I do? Well now it's summer I will sit in the garden for hours on end with a cup of tea while my children play. I don't read as I can't concentrate. I usually fiddle on my phone (thank God for smart phones) and make appreciative noises every now and again. Both children talk constantly but deep down I know it's because they need reassurance so I try to be patient and 'yes oh how lovely' in the right places. Quite often I have to direct their play to pre-empt any issues. I can sit next to them while they watch a TV programme and if I am with them they will concentrate for longer.Do your frineds have children? Meeting a friend at the play park, even if they don't have children, is a great idea as you can have a chat. My girls don't cope with soft play but that's another place to go to meet a friend if your LO can manage those types of activities. I like beng out and about so generally that's what I do with my girls - off for a walk/scooter and a picnic round country parks. They enjoy it and so do I. Or visiting National Trust type places which have lots of trails etc for kids. But I guess it depends on what your son likes. And I am an expert Lego builder.But that time to reflect that you mentioned? That is one thing I really don't have much chance to do. Perhaps a little more recently. And it is hard, sometimes very hard. But try not to panic. Don't think too far in advance, take each day as it comes. And finally get help in. I had people doing my cleaning, laundry etc for weeks after placement. It's like having a new born baby in terms of stress and exhaustion. Look after yourself and keep posting. We will support you through this x

Hmmm it's hard isn't it. Life will never be the same and you knew that but it is still a shock to the system! I, like you, need time on my own to reflect and I can't function well without it .. but in my experience you do get better at being able to sort of zone out of the ceaseless chatter and demands without it affecting you in the same way as it does in the early days. I probably did it all wrong! But I established a time I called "peace and quiet" and we had it every day after lunch. I set up an activity (simple - colouring, playdoh, threading beads, nothing flash) and I got out my book. My daughter sat at the kitchen table and I sat on the sofa in the other room facing her. I explained this was peace and quiet time and that there was to be no talking to me. Then every day I said "peace and quiet starts NOW" and I sat with my book (sometimes reading, sometimes in dazed exhaustion!) for 10 minutes and TOTALLY ignored all efforts to engage me. It was early days so she pulled at my clothing etc but still fairly honeymoon phase so she never did anything too dire! Once she had given up and started to do her activity I let her do it until she was fed up (not long!) then announced "peace and quiet has finished! Then gave lots of attention. She soon got the hang of it ( few days not weeks!). Gradually I extended it until she could do 20 minutes. Those daily 20 minutes saved me from insanity! We did it for months and months, when she went to school, we did it at weekends. I still occasionally say we're having it now when I need a break, but she is loads better at being able to accept it if I just say please I need some space, can you entertain yourself for a bit!The other thing is lots of long walks - or playing at parks that are really quiet! (then no worries re interaction with others which can be stressful.) We still do a lot of walks and cycle rides - she feels I am "with" her and we are "doing" something nice together but it actually gives me a lot of head space because it is less intense than being at home - she can run about, roll down the hills, potter about in ditches, throw sticks etc etc whilst I just wander along.If you can get a good bedtime routine then you will have time in the evening to recharge - but separations at bedtime can be really hard esp in those early weeks and months so you may just need to make sure you get lots of sleep when your LO is asleep!It gets easier. My LO could not watch TV for more than 5 mins when she arrived. She was all over the place. Forget being super mum and use the TV if your LO likes it, forget about nutrition and use microwave/ ready meals for a bit - and just focus on your relationship. When your LO feels a bit more settled, things will calm down a bit naturally.

Hi ya, Lots going on for both of youI'm picking up several flags Trouble is you can read stuff about the affects of early trauma Then the reality of frankly the huge mess trauma makes in a young child- that can just hit you smack between the eyesMy 2 had straight forward ish intros But me! Wow I think I was spellbound for monthsI just went through the motions, numbly routine trying to get it right. I didn't feel much if anything.You could liken it to bringing a newborn tiny infant who needs you for everything If you think mums are lucky to get out of their pj's Dads often doze off at work, plants die unwatered, the ironing lives in a mountain. You've got SkypeWhen your sprog is in bed and phone.Playing by themselves is something my 2 just couldn't doNeeded constant interaction and helpIt was just me at the start- although easier in a few ways its tougher physically as there's just one of you. Possibly tougher mentally as you can't share the mental weight.That's got to be where that support network comes in.Here, I moved in with my wider family. I know it's not part of funnellingBut frankly I don't know just how 2 attachment hammered traumatised children and a stunned mum would have coped with that.They needed gentle folding inNot intensive in your face stuff In retrospect, the lovely daily rituals of bath story and bedWashing hands and laying the table with grace Asking each family member what they did todayAfter tea, once I was later married to mr pt- we set aside time to catch up each day.This always happened after tea The plates etc waited.We put on the tv/ DVDThe kids squabbledSo we did divide and conquer into separate roomsThe kettle went on and we had a cuppa tea for 10 minsBut this is a few years inAnother tactic you might consider is to made a 'fiddles' box. Interesting things to fidget with in there so you can eg, empty the washing machine without peeling her off your leg every 2 mins.It's very tough.You're seeing behaviours But the reasons behind them will take a long time of gentle healing

Hi,It is SUCH a shock to have a child placed, especially one who walks, talks, demands constantly - as all of our children do. And when you are single you have no one to tag team with.'Me time' has come to mean something very different to me now. Initially there was none - I recognise that situation of having a clingy child on one knee while you are on the loo! Now it is just time when I do not have to make space in my brain for the incessant chatter. So it is when I do the ironing, when I drive, when I do the washing up. It's taken time just to get this much space - DS came home at 4, and could not even watch CBeebies without me actively watching it with him. It was a celebratory day when he was able to watch something while I did something else, but even now at nearly 8 he will complain if I am not watching attentively too. He hates it if I am using the computer or my phone, can't share my attention with them. These days it is much easier - when he friends round, I can potter round the house, they don't need much supervision; when he plays on the Wii I can do some gardening, or housework - it has taken about 3 years to get to that point.Confession: When I was on adoption leave, I used to count down the hours till 4pm, as I could legitimately leave him to play or watch TV and start getting tea ready! It's Ok to feel like that though! And, if you will excuse me for saying so, your earlier post implied that TV is a bad thing - too much may be, but do not feel a failure if you use TV from time to time to give yourself a break from the intensity of it all.I agree, funnelling is really hard if not impossible as a singlie, so good to find some close family or friends who you can spend some time with, and start to scope out who might be a babysitter - after a couple of months, I had to leave DS with a friend so I could get a haircut, I looked like a yeti!At the moment I have lots of 'me time' - DS is staying with my sister so that I can work this week. Oddly enough, I find I am now a different 'me', one who finds all this alone time a bit freaky!

Just re-reading your original post. When Ds was placed I was 7 stone 3, ran 30 miles a week and had a very active social life. Running was out of the question, and still is, really - I simply do not have the time to do it. I have put on 2 stone (but losing some thanks to the Fast Diet). 3 weeks ago I pumped up my bike tyres for the first time in nearly 4 years, as DS has finally mastered riding a bike without stabilisers.Some adopters can involve their children in their interests, but that has just not happened for me. It is a battle just to get DS to visit my friends' houses (they are apparently boring, and I should have no need of friends) - I make him do it, of course, and I think it's important at his age to know that I have friends too, but I guess what I am saying is that he just won't fit easily into my preferred lifestyle. TBH, it is easier and less stressful for me to have my friends round for a takeaway when DS is in bed.

I'm sorry you are finding things tough, hopefully your SW and friends prepared you for that. My friends with birth children had told me about the shock to the system when you become a parent, however its still quite a shock. I think you have had good advice, I don't think different opinions and experiences necessarily mean people are negative. There is nothing wrong with hoping to have "me" time, but sometimes we need to be creative in how we find it as we are able to adjust our thinking and expectations much more easily than a terrified child.Effective birth parents can set the tone of the relationship from day one, they teach the child that their needs will be met, the child learns to trust this and the parent is able to have adult time. Or at least thats the theory ;-) It is often much more difficult to mould the thinking and security of adopted children. My son spent nearly half of his life experiencing neglect, his birth parents needs were considered more important than his, he learned that adults could not be trusted. In FC he was one of many children over the years, no-one claimed him. Three years into parenting I still have a big support network. However my son is still a very very needy child, he is often frightened that I will neglect and abandon him. He can't tell me this, however his demanding and clingy behaviour tells me this. He is not putting it on, chancing his luck, taking advantage, overly egotistical etc. etc. He behaves the way he does because of his history. I can't change his history, however I chose adoption, so I need to be the one who works around him and his needs. I work and come home to a very needy child. I have a day off work every week, that is my "me" time. It is expensive, however very necessary for DS and myself. I can't mould DS's thinking and expect him to allow me to have "me" time when at home. His needs have changed over the three years, however this has been a very slow process. My friends child has just been to Scout camp, the very thought of it terrified my child. Some adopted children are able to thrive with those kind of opportunities and spending time with key adults, however my son spends the time worrying. We are separated every day at school, so he does experience separation, he has has to have my photo at school and various other strategies to help him to manage the separation. So I have not been able to mould his expectations and needs of me as Mum. He did not choose to be a neglected child or an adopted child, however I chose adoption, so I need to adjust and be creative in how I get "me" time. I snooze at the cinema, I use the internet to connect with others, I enjoy my day off work. I think its fab that some adopted children can manage with being babysat and going on sleepovers etc. But I also know through experience that I can't make that happen in our home. I really think that would lead to some very difficult challenges and DS having meltdowns, not as a result of being over indulged, but as a result of being terrified that I can't see him or his needs. Raising adopted children can be more challenging that parenting non adopted children. I think our expectations need to be examined. I see parents in restaurants who expect their children to be mini adults, I think this is a good example of how different we all are. I often need to remind myself that on top of his adoption related issues my son is often being a typical child, demanding, frustrating and time consuming, as well as lots and lots of fun.As a single parent what helps me is remembering that I chose adoption, not my son. He can't always help how he feels and what he needs, he can't change the kind of parent he needs. But as the adult I can change my expectations and hopes of parenting. I also remind myself that he will soon be a teenager and I will miss his need to cuddle up next to me whenever I sit down, stand outside the bathroom chatting when I try to have a shower, tell me about the latest toy.I hope when your child is at school you will benefit from adoption leave, I think its hard to know just how much we need it, until we in that position. There is nothing wrong with needing time to yourself, but nor is there anything unusual about an older adopted child needing as much attention and interaction as a toddler, my son still does.Best Wishes.

for your little one the whole world is changing - emotionally they are very needy of all your attention just as a newborn would betheir needs do come before yourstry to build a really strong support network who can do the tiring practical stuff to help so you have the energy to give constant attention for as long as you can manageyour childs experiences until now are that adults cannot be relied upon - birth mother disappeared, fc about to disappear - it will take a long time for you to demonstrate by your constant availability that you are reliableyes you need to survive too - so invite a few close friends or family to join you with your little one to give you the adult to adult contact you need . . .but 'me time' will have to wait . . . . . even now 12 years on with ds who was 4y at placement there are times it is very hard to be unavailable for a full day . . .yes at good times i have had 4 days away with my dd to give her time and ds managed . . .but both at times still each need all the attention i have the energy to give

Dear AquarelleWe have private messaged you to offer support.Kind regardsSarahHelpdesk Advisor

Even though I knew my 2 well and were used to them staying for respite for up to 4-5 weeks at a time, it still felt like being hit by a bulldozer when they came home forever!A routine definitely helps - hang on in there until school starts Hopefully a routine will help them feel more secure as well.I need a lot of peace and space to process as well. My tips, similar to the others, are mainly about finding ways to tune out mentally while being with them physically - TV/DVDs, don't write them off. I was one of those people who wasn't going to use the electronic babysitter - ha! Choose ones that are age/developmentally appropriate, and that don't drive you mad. There are some that are very good and educational while being fun. My LO has moved on (thank goodness!) from Barney, but we still refer back to an episode about good manners when necessary - "how would Barney say that?" I and my LO prefer DVDs because they are predictable, and once I have seen them we can discuss them even if I tune out for the next 99 times she watches them...Bathtime, have lots of fiddly things. We have corks - from wine bottles - coloured stones from a day out, plastic bits & pieces from various pressies. Things that fit together are good, also ones that can be blown through, make a noise etc. My LO will sometimes amuse herself, and sometimes I can sit by the bath and read a book.Reading aloud - my LO LOVES being read stories. I find it very relaxing - I can tune out from her and into the book (and a great excuse to re-read my old favourites!). It lessens the intensity.Cuddling up - my LO will often accept me not interacting (e.g. reading a book/having a nap) if I cuddle her while she watches a DVD. Things like giving her a massage with some body lotion gives me a way of tuning out mentally and thinking my own thoughts while giving her attention.Board games - something to focus on apart from each other. Our all time favourite is 'Sorry' which I loved as a child! You can always 'throw' the game if you are winning too much Computer games - depending on age. My LO is nearly 6 and has just mastered the touchpad on the laptop. It came with the Purble Place games for free - involving memory, sequencing, logical deduction etc. All very educational but because it is on the computer it is fun! There are some great programmes for maths and English to relieve the guilt of 'screen time' I am lucky because both my girls can play well with others their own age, and cope with after-school activities such as Teddies (pre-Brownies). Even if you are there watching, a swimming/horse riding/judo/whatever lesson gives you mental space while someone else takes the lead in interacting. If they can cope with it enough for it to become part of the routine then it becomes part of their safety net. The crucial thing I've found is finding the right person giving the lesson, not so much the activity itself. Someone who is tolerant and flexible and genuinely enjoys working with children.Basically think of ways to do something in parallel rather than interacting. It is less intense and gives some tuning out space.

Your son sounds very much like my dd was right at the start - and I'm afraid it is very, very, very, very difficult. You simply don't get any 'me' time while the child is awake and with you. Or I didn't, at least.My dd was attention needy - literally needed me - so there was no way I could introduce time for myself. I've only just managed to do this now - 9 years later.However, you do snatch time for yourself. I put dd to bed early. She was 5, couldn't tell the time, so I put her to bed (after a full bedtime routine) by 6.30 or 7pm for several months. She needed the sleep, I needed the space.When dd was at school, if I wasn't at work, I'd simply be selfish and do what I wanted to do.And there are times when you can snatch 5 minutes here or there - if they are drawing, painting, watching TV. Don't be too quick to dismiss TV. It really can be a godsend - a 20 minute programme giving you time to sit and relax, is better than a full nights sleep.It does get easier - but it will take time.Go out a lot as well. I visited my parents every weekend for over a year so I could 'share' dd and not have to deal with her alone every day.

I am with you here, Aquarelle. I am only ten weeks in, but I already need me time. Not days or even hours, just snatched half hours here and there to read, speak on the phone etc. Evenings weren't cutting it for me... Bedtime was quite challenging to start with so by the time she was finally asleep, I was ready to drop myself which didn't feel like me time.School helped but I tend to use that time to catch up on housework (not that you'd know it to see the state of the house haha). I was also volunteering in the nursery at her school so she knew I was close by.The thing I have found that works for me is getting someone in to almost "babysit" but at home with me. I have younger adult/ older teenagers in my support network who LO already adores. I get them to pop round afternoons after school, or at the weekend, just for an hour or so. We tend to play a game altogether, then when she asks or another I say I need to go put some washing in but X will play with you while I am in the kitchen. I can pop in or shout from the next room but she tends to quickly get engrossed in the game and I grab my kindle and the all essential chocolate bar for a breather!I find this makes me a better mum because I am so so much calmer afterwards. It doesn't make me a bad person just because I only prioritize her needs 99% of the time instead of the full 100!