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Sorry, you're a mum now. You have no needs and life will never be about you again. Ha! Ha! xxxx

After the birth of my BD I got my first "Me time" 18 years later when she left for Uni. This lasted 4 years until LO came along. I've booked some "Me time" in 10 years. Haha.

Lack of "me time" is possibly the hardest aspect of parenting, though you will find ways when you get into a routine at home. I remember a friend telling me this years before I had a child, and I had no idea what she really meant till I had my first. It can feel like a 24/7 job with an unreasonable boss at times!I don't think intros is the time to start teaching a terrified child you have needs, beyond the basics of personal hygiene, food etc, though. Maybe if it is really too much at the moment you need to talk to the sws re slowing things down a bit?

Saw this when it was first posted....I ignored it....Thought it was a joke!!!!!Are you for real????Intros still not finished I really think you are jesting I suggest, if you Really Mean The Question Asked that you read Dan Hughes et all re hurt & attachment & trauma...Amazing to think you are not feeling the fear & terror for your lo... Perhaps Mummeee feelings havn't kicked in yet...As others I don't get ME time with my sons (2 sibs )brothers placed now going on 5 years.... Ho Hum maybe it's just me or better still too much sun......

For intros and early days of placement, me time is not really a possibility. I know that's hard to hear. But whatever age LO is, they will be grieving, anxious, and the controlling will be part of that. I don't know if the following analogy helps but when in midst of intros/early days, I remembered when I went to a different country to live (a developing country that is very different to here) and how I felt at the time. I arrived and the faces were all different, I couldn't make out the differences as they all blurred into one, the sounds were different, the smells were different, the food was different (even the same foods did NOT taste the same). The language was different (I know for LO it is not, but in some ways it will be - the tone, the way you say things).I felt lonely, adrift, anxious and desperate for something familiar. It took time for me to adjust/adapt/get used to the NEWness and strangeness of everything. I will, to this day, be grateful for the kindness I received and for the fact the people I was staying with went at my pace.I was an adult!!!Yes, intros are hard and unreal. And the early days are exhausting. Get your support network involved. Ask friends to come and visit. Yes, LO may demand your attention but your friends will be there too.Its a hard time. And don't underestimate the shock of becoming a parent. It is overwhelming. Again, seek out your support network, especially those you can be 100% honest with. Talk and talk again!!!You will find some breathing space once LO is in bed, and also as they find their feet, a trip to the park may be about them playing, but as you watch them on swings/slide/whatever, you will be able to grab a moment.Also, a short TV prog may allow that little bit of breathing space.But PLEASE if you are struggling at all at this point, talk to your SW. And, keep posting here.You might find some posts hard to hear. But bear in mind everyone in the heart of hearts wants to support the child AND the adopter.I am not sure if that helps at all.Best wishes,Minnie x

A few things in your post stood out. One the expectation that it will change once he moves in. Actually it's highly likely that the only way it will change is to become even more difficult. He will be feeling bereft at the loss of his Carer. He won't know you, he certainly won't trust you. And he'll show that fear in a variety of ways. He might cling, he might push you way. Possibly he'll do both. What he almost certainly won't do is settle into a new home without difficulty. His behaviour is already telling you that. Hard as it is, as the adult you are going to have to accommodate his needs. It's not his job to accommodate yours. He's a child. He can't change. You're the adult and so are the one who's going to have to make those huge changes in your life to accommodate his needs.The lack of me time is a hard one. I'm not - in theory at least - a single parent but my dh does work away a lot and I have three children. For me, my only me time is when they're in school or bed. For now,life does all have to be about him. I appreciate that you have needs - don't we all - but really it's about prioritising. And his are far more important for now and will be for the foreseeable future. Introductions and early placement are so not the time to be laying down the law.I understand that intros have been difficult and that they're going to be drawn out but really I do have to wonder at just how prepared you are for the reality of what you're taking on. Your life will change irrevocably. I do think you need to do some serious talking with your sw.

With most I think shadow. Bigly was only 5 months old when he was placed. He didnt nap anywhere other than in my lap for at least a year. And wouldn't be put down once asleep. The sofa had the indentation of my bum!!

Wow... I think some of you over-reacted...

Yes, mummy time is essential. A small spell of time away from coping with a difficult situation can be really restorative. You're probably underestimating how much you need it if anything. I always think of the safety briefing on a plane where you are told to put on your own oxygen mask before you fix your child's - feels counter-intuitive but it's right.It will also benefit your new son to learn gradually that it's OK to disconnect and then to reconnect. From a neurological viewpoint the repeated cycles of separating and reconnecting are one of the mechanisms that allow trust to develop. Your son needs individual space too.Have you come across the idea of letting an anxious child know that they are "kept in mind" (Louise Bomber). It's basically about reassuring them that they don't always need your full attention and physical presence because they are still important to you even when they're busy with their own activity. On the practical side....As Shadow suggests, TV and videos provide simple breathing space for you both. You can reinforce the "kept in mind" feeling by popping in and out, watching snatches of video, asking how the story ended, wondering about the next episode etc.Have you asked the fc about activities that work well unsupervised? Toys? Games? Model railway? My children enjoyed things like dot-to-dots. There are masses of good free printables online e.g. www.xmarks.com/site/www.allkids.co.uk/kids_pages/kids_colouring_pages.shtmlwww.printactivities.com/index.htmlMy children also loved bathtime and a good selection of toys in the bath would keep them playing happily on their own. OK the water didn't always stay in the bath but it was generally a happy peaceful independent playtime and gave me time to unwind too, especially in the summer.

Y'a think???Sorry if it feels that way...Donatella & shadow & minnie7 put it so kindly & truely....This is no walk in the park....I consider myself had it easy.....once asleep mine rarely wake..That is my down time & I long for it most days... I really have had it easy Don & shadow are the ones who really have had it much much tougher....... Please take their advice,it is vital for your lo that you really do know how hard this will be....All your replies have said the same thing & offered support to you... I don't think anyone is in any way overreacting....

I've PM'd you. :-)

I'm not single but we have a toddler and it's basically nap time (I was the one at home during adoption leave) and after bed, and now while he's at nursery I can occasionally do something other than work (drop him off early and go swimming, for example).Hubby works away occasionally so next week I'm hoping my friend who has been a bit unwell will come over during nap time on my day off, we'll chat and then take little boy to the park, then have tea after he goes to bed. I know it's not the same but that's the kind of thing I do when I'm temporarily single parenting. Or if she can't make it (she gets very tired so can't really make evening socialising), I'll see if another friend can come over for dinner & DVD.

Yes when they are asleep or at school is pretty much it, unless you have someone who can babysit - but you won't do that early on (6 years on with one we still have issues with that). What kept me going was the company of other adults (not that I'm single) - but you'll need to change your ideas of how you will spend your time together - and so will they. Something I have done a lot of is to go to child friendly places with a friend or relative who has no children. That way you get a conversation without too many interuptions. The best people also take an interest in the child because adopted kids tend to keep on needing a huge amount of attention long after placement - well mine do, anyway.

Donatella what I mean when I say things will change when he moves in is that life will normalise itself – even if still very challenging. At present I'm not his mum because his FC still is, or we both are and he plays on it, I'm not at home because I keep going back and forth, I'm not doing anything that we'll be doing once he lives with me (like going out together to the local park). He is already both clinging and pushing away – constantly – which is why we have planned long intros, and I don't expect this to change in a long time. My life has already changed irrevocably. Lettice, thank you for your post. A bit of fresh air on this topic is most welcome! Essential, restorative, gradual learning, disconnect and reconnect sounds more like what I was asking about. I'm glad someone here understands. Am trying to avoid the TV trick, but have noted the other links.Thanks also to others for positive advice and support.And I'm sorry for those of you who don't know what me-time means anymore, I'm sure you do manage some of it sometimes, perhaps you don't notice. But you don't need to crucify me for asking.

Yes that's what I do when it's my day off/hubby is away, Milly - go to the park/children's area of library/cafe with play area, with my grownup friend.

Can I remind everyone to please keep their responses understanding, helpful and polite?Please try to refrain from personal criticisms or the thread may be closed.Many thanks,Online Community TeamAdoption UK

What is that mummy time?- sitting on the toilet for one minute because if you leave it any longer 'thing' are happening.- watching tv in the evening after the child is in bed, you have one extended ear because the child does not sleep yet and things are happening.- the child plays outside, every 4 minutes you look out of the window to check or everything is still oke because things are happening.- You lay in your bed with your extended ear, the child has been getting up in the middle of the night and things are happening.You can never fully switch off, because 'things' have happened. Even if they are in the care of school, they call you because 'things are happening'.This is the usual story for children who have attachment disorder .My child has just cleared up his bedroom while I was also upstairs, now he's outside, I need to check on him because if I don't things are happening. I hear him making tractor sounds through the open window, I know he's riding his tractor around. Bless another 5 free minutes to relax.Oops no tractor sounds any more, have to go now

Hi - will be a massive massive grieving process for old you until you learn and accept new you- and until you have your child to yourself there is no way of finding solutions- there is a period of time where yes you have to be totally selfless and this is arduous- immerse yourself in meeting every whim of your child and turn every negative into a positive for a while- clear boundaries of course but make these explicit. Train your tired responses to be joyful and always smile! Fake it! Then in time a new you can emerge- rant and rave about the loss of freedoms - there will be many losses- some yours - all your lo's. he has lost a whole life. It's been claimed by you! So enjoy and don't forget anxiety turns into control and behaviours- get in there and go therapeutic mummy! You can do this- its all that you've been building for- and soon you will be mummy!!! And share no more that role! Hugs x

But what is normal? One persons idea of normal wont be the next. To me, my life is normal. It includes one ASD child, one ADHD plus probable ASD plus dyslexia. That's my normal. And 8 plus years in with my second child he still struggles when he's not around me. Yes, now I can have some me time - right now all three are entertaining themselves but this is after a body morning. Lunch was at 3pm today, that's normalised here.You will get me time eventually but I'm afraid I do still think that introducing a not yet placed child to the idea that mummy has needs too is far too premature.However, you know this child better than I do so I guess you're better able to judge,You asked for advice, I gave it based on my experience of being a 3 times adopter to children with a range of additional needs.As with anything you're free to take the parts you feel appropriate to your circumstances and disregard the rest.