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When outings are ruined time and time again!

zoom August 20, 2013 17:31
Ruined maybe a bit strong but they are most defiantly are affected with me, DH and BC''S feeling the aftermath of Rockets behaviour, whinging, wetting or meltdowns..... If we are really lucky then all four!Now and again we go somewhere and its a real success and it gives me a taste of what it is like to be a normal family on a day out, but that is rare. More often we leave the venue feeling warning out and wondering why be bothered. Sometimes when we are really determined Dh and I will put all our effort into pacifying Rocket and keeping him happy but this is also tiring and usually means the BC''s have not had much of our attention. I know kids with attachment difficulties often sabotage things and I understand this. However, I still feel the disappointment, frustration and downheartedness that comes when days out are spoiled or not as good as they should/could be. What also worries me is the building resentment my 13 year old has, as she too feels fed up with having to leave things early, seeing us stressed and having to listen to Rocket. Some days out can go ok with the odd things here and there ending in tiers or tantrums. We have to continue taking them out as the other kids deserve days out, not only that Rocket loves them providing everything goes his way.We have tried doing separate things which is ok occasionally but we risk this adding to him feeling left out if he''s continually taken out separately. The other two are getting closer and often don''t want to include him which again presents another challenge. I understand their reasons but can''t allow him to become the outsider. It is so difficult as I spend my time feeling sorry for the BC''s. Sorry for Rocket is he''s left feeling bad and sorry for DH as he''s had to face this daily for the last 4 weeks or put up with the agro if he decides to stay in. How do you mange the different needs of your children on day trips and how do you balance your Birth kids not feeling like their time is spoilt without your adopted child thinking it''s their fault?
Edited 17/02/2021
Monkey Magic August 20, 2013 20:24
Hi ZoomKnow exactly how you feel.Our LO is completely wired up at the moment and DH and I have just been talking about how we can bring her back down without keeping BD inside for the next week.I'm afraid that I don't have any suggestions except to say that you're not alone.I hope that things improve for you for the last couple of weeks of the holidays.MMx
Edited 17/02/2021
Fruitcake August 20, 2013 22:35
Zoom - I don't have birth children but I have several adopted children with very different needs and have had to tackle this.It helps me a lot to remember that we don't have to do everything together. Yes family times, including some outings, are important for family bonding, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the children out separately. Occasional one to one time is very special. Also it is fine to take a group out together and leave the other(s) at home with Dad or grandparents etc. If your adopted son is left behind occasionally, it won't harm him provided he IS included in some family outings, and has his own time with each of you too. And your birth children might tolerate his occasional difficult behaviour when out if they know they will get some outings on their own when they can just be themselves without having to worry about his behaviour.As your adopted son matures, it may be possible to help him understand that he will get more outings with his siblings if he behaves appropriately - i.e. it could be an incentive. And your birth children have a right to their own relationship without having to include him all the time, provided they include him sometimes (which will aid their maturity and help them to become nice people!). We have had a complex but successful summer, with whole family outings, some one to ones, plus separate smaller groups plus plenty of whole family time. It can be done!
Edited 17/02/2021
zoom August 23, 2013 23:22
Thanks.Today we tried mini golf which started out lovely. We met a friend and her 2 youngsters and all was going well another Rocket snached a club and ball off one of her children quite forcefully. Of course I told him to give it back and say sorry which he wouldn't. Wrongly or rightly I took it off him gave it back to the child and told him he couldn't play until he said sorry. There would have been a time he was not capable of apologies but this is an area hes made lots of progress in. Any how It ended in a huge meltdown and golf coming to an end! If it hadnt been for the fact i had arranged to meet Rockets school friend and mum we would have left.We do a special day out with each of them during the hols. My youngest went to Legoland with Dh this week. Wishing you all a calm and peacful week.
Edited 17/02/2021
tad August 25, 2013 21:49
I so understand this feeling too. Even outings with just me Ad & Dh have been a disaster! We have found preparation fairly key to success, although that does spoil any hope of spontaneity . We have to explain where we are going, when, for how long, with whom, what will happen, when we will leave etc., etc. that seems to calm some fears and make it more manageable. Also, it's difficult at this time of year when they know change is coming, ie the holidays are nearly over, and all the insecurities surface again. I agree, at this point it can be best to divide and conquer!
Edited 17/02/2021
REM August 27, 2013 16:27
Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Sometimes you split up, each child gets a bit if special time, when you do have a family day out you try and balance everyone's needs.Perhaps, it isn't a terrible thing that the children ate affected by each other. When we adopted two children together, I remember crying on the phone to my dad and saying that both of them needed my full attention and having to share me with one another, and having to deal with each other's problems as well as their own was too much. He asked me what I thought siblings were for. Every time the children have to accommodate their siblings, they learn how to deal with others, how to be tolerant and sensitive.I do have a friend whose parents fostered when she was growing up and she has become incredibly lovely and empathetic, she's one of those people who just makes everyone around her feel good about themselves.Anyway, I just wanted to offer a more hopeful perspective. Enjoy the rest of the summer holidays!
Edited 17/02/2021


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