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ps I will reveal our story at a later date.

By letting them do tasks from the second day and set relative high standards, I pressume. My children both do daily tasks, outside and inside the home. I still think they'll be pretty useless as far as it comes to being employable.

interesting one, depends on child partly simba has chores, he gets pocket money. He is hankering for a 'pay rise'. Ive said ok, but he has to do more chores. Slowly getting him to take more responsibilty. He knows I dont enjoy my job, he is slowly realising that I do it to pay for the house and all the nice things we have, so role modelling I suppose. He is also starting to realise he can't have everything, he had an xbox for Christmas, so I told him if he had it, there would be a lot fewer presents, usually he gets lots parcels but the contents arent that expensive. Lot of grumbles about that but he accepted it. As he gets older, i will expect him to take on more responsibilty, to understand that I can only afford so much and if he wants extra he will have to save pocket money or work for it. I will encourage him to get a Saturday job. So here I think its about small steps to independence, valuing what we have, and developing understanding that life isnt free.

We took the view that every member of the family has to contribute as all are either at work or school, and the expectations are clear, In our case that is tidy their room and occasionally Hoover it, do homework and study time and any odd jobs they are asked to do from time to time, like taking out the recycling. At main meal time one child sets the table, one child clears it, one adult cooks and the other washes up. Occasionally the oldest will do the dishes instead. Chores here are not linked to pocket money but expected of them. When they were younger the chores were less.

I admire you all. One of mine is mostly quite oppositional in general (but she did choose to prepare our evening meal tonight unasked so something must be sinking in!) and the other likes helping but frequently refuses to clear up after herself at home (seems to see it as a battle she must win). I too often go down the line of least resistance (ie to do it myself as it's quicker and easier) especially after a long day at work.... bad mother, must try harder.....

No pocket money here, unfortunally as it makes it impossible for me to know or the money is stolen if they have any. They comply because if they refuse I do too, for example I start cooking when chores are done. I would not dream of not feeding my children but a delay of an hour or two does wonders at times.

We have told them that we are a team and that all team members need to do their share. We gave them some jobs very early (like making breakfast) when they still thought it was the best thing on the planet to run an oven or to use a knife. Now they are used to doing it. We have been emphasising effort, rewarded frustration tolerance and explained that practicing and persistence are the key to achievement. That has worked out well. We have also had a few conversations about how working hard and having a nice life with holidays abroad etc. are linked.

not saying he always does the chores though Milly! he used to love cleaning the bath, now not so much, and he is always 'forgetting' to put the wheelie bin out. I have received a cup of tea on my bedside table at 7.05 every morning for the last 3 weeks, he has promised to do it forever !

I have to say I don't expect mine to do many household chores. They make their own breakfast, set the dinner table, take their plates out and tidy up their room once a week. They have long school days, homework, lots of activities and also need time to play. They take school and their activities seriously, so that is fine by me.

Each day Our AS puts away dishes and take down the recycling, AD gets a basket of logs for the stove. AS does his work happily, AD does anything to get out of it or just refuses but that's a control thing. During school holidays we are lucky enough to be able to take them to work with us, sometimes AD will help and is a great worker, but it's all control and we just leave it up to her if she want to or not, we pay her if she does. I also work from home on a self employed basis and they see how hard I have to work for rubbish money!

I emphasize the link with her hard work when she earns a new Brownie badge/takes part in a ballet concert/ gets a good mark in a test. Find as many opportunities as possible to praise/thank her when she does something a bit extra/ what she's supposed to do without moaning. She's responsible for tidying her room, and helping clean and tidy generally on a Saturday morning - we do that together, though the rest of the week I generally do it for simplicity's sake. On Saturdays she can't go and play until WE have finished.

From another angle - as mine have not been very good with chores (or maybe its me that hasn't) - some children can be very resistant and some battles are best left in the short term - encouraging them in what inspires them has worked well - my son plays a particular sport which he loves and we have always encouraged him in this - he helps out a lot with coaching and now has a level 2 coaching qualification and does paid work too. He has also helped out a lot at tournaments on a voluntary basis and at stalls etc in the past when there's a fare or something - sometimes it works better when its not working with / for the parent

Not a clue I'm afraid! Very much a work (not) in progress here!!! Now, where are those banging head on wall emojis!!!

Interesting, a familiar theme appearing, I was hoping that a prospective adopter may join in the debate...I have invited their input. Honestly I will tell all. cant do the emoji things smiley winking face.....lol

We made a lot of progress in the early years - there were various jobs they helped with and on Saturdays they each had to clean a room and keep their own rooms clean and tidy.....and DD1 had a paper round....then DD1 hit her teens properly and fell off the metaphorical cliff ...she decided children should not have to do any chores and went mad at the other two if they did anything to help - we are still recovering from that.....DS will do some things now without a battle but its generally its hard work....

I have always done everything here partly because I don't work so don't need help but mainly because my two have such a lot of additional needs that they find chores difficult to dovto my standard and my priority was to keep them regulated and sadly asking them to do chores was a recipe for disregulation and worse. But I see me doing things for them as modelling. My mum did mostly everything for me and so I did the same for my kids. My two are 17 and 19 now and do loads, just not at home with me. I am pretty sure that the modelling has rubbed off on them. We left our daughter at home with a friend a few months ago when we went away for a few days and she kept everything spotless.

shadette was aghast that I worked - wonderful birth parents didn't and stayed at home caring ?????? for the children- so she thought i was wrong going to work despite making sure she had carers to look after her

My husband and I have a very strong work ethic. It's how we were raised and how we've always been. One of our children has watched and learned from our example. The other one never did and seems to have taken little from living with us and being part of our family. I'm not prepared to go into fine detail about how we raised our children nor their backgrounds. When adopting much older children, I think you have to accept that you do your best. Sometimes that's good enough and sometimes it isn't.

Hi. Interesting thread. None of my adopted children's birth families ever 'worked' occasionally got the odd low level temporary job but couldn't maintain it. Partridge has a job. He's had a few jobs while at college but now he's managed to hang onto a job at Asda. He likes money. He wastes it completely & then not enough to buy what he needs. But he has stuck with his job Blossom has very few job prospects sadly. She was unable to complete her education and spent a fair bit of her teens in the criminal justice system. I think part of the problem for our adoptees is lack of cause & effect thinking and desperately low self worth, thinking they will never be able to do things. I remember Bryan post saying it was the hardest thing to accept in his adopted son, that he might never be together enough To have a job.