Hoping to get some different perspectives please as I'm struggling with a linking decision. We are approved for one child under 2 and have stated a preference for a little girl. That preference comes from having lots of nephews who we get on brilliantly with, but when our one and only niece came along we both clicked so much with her and I especially seem to have an amazing bond with her. We have expressed interest in a couple of girls on LinkMaker but for one reason or another they didn't go anywhere. We've recently been approached about a little boy who on paper meets everything we have said we are able to consider. The ONLY thing differing is that he is a little boy. My gut reaction was apprehension and the only explanation I can come up with is that I have spent the past 8 months since approval imagining a life with a daughter. But is this really a good enough reason to not pursue an otherwise really positive potential link?! I'm particularly struggling to accept that gender is my reason not to pursue a link. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
What if you can't explain your gut instinct?!
I was also convinced I wanted a girl. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in having criteria, as you have to work what’s right for you. My personal experience is that when I explained I wanted a girl to our sw after this conversation I reflected and realised I was being silly, some boys and girls have the qualities I was linking to gender. Personally, I realised I was still caught up in “my perfect child” and projecting onto a child, rather than linking of their personalities and whether we could meet their needs.
Its really hard isnt it? I was convinced I really didnt care whether I adopted a boy or a girl. My friends had boys but I had a fabulous god daughter. When it came to looking at profiles I really couldnt get excited about the girls, it was all boys.
Some things to consider
I assume you are still at the stage of finding out more information ? Getting information does not commit you but could give you a bit more breathing space to process your thoughts
Your bond with your niece - is it because she’s a girl or just who she is?
If you were expecting a birth child, and had imagined it was a girl, but they turned out to be a boy, would you feel any different?
I’ve seen people not pursue links for all manner of reasons, including hair colour, so not being the girl you imagined is a good a reason as any.
Personally, I think I’d ask for more information and approach it with an open mind. What you don’t want though is to find yourself in a situation where you went ahead and ended up resenting them for not being a girl.
Of course there is also the possibilty of adopting a second time in the future - you never know!
Good luck
I was also really keen on girls and ended up with two. However, we also pursued links with a boy and a girl and there was a link were I felt more drawn to the boy. I think you really need to try to look at the individual child. If the child is very young that can be tricky, because so much of the personality is still going to develop. Like Serrakunda, I would ask for more information and then see how you feel about the link. However, if you decide to pursue just girls for the moment, don't beat yourself up about it. The majority of boys' parents does spend more time on football pitches than most girls' parents. Our culture is very gendered and that has effects on children and their parents.
Thanks so much everyone, you've all provided really good perspectives and made some great points that I hadn't considered before. Serrakunda27, your question about whether my bond with my niece is because she is a girl or because of who she is really got me thinking, which was exactly what I needed. Sometimes I find it is so easy to get stuck on one train of thought that it becomes hard to see other ways of thinking or other factors to consider.
I completely agree that right now what we really want and need is to find out more about the little boy. Thanks so much again for the replies.
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