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Papering over the cracks.
abbasue11
February 26, 2013 15:58
10 years ago we adopted 3 siblings aged then 6yrs,3yrs and 22mnths.After many,many years of "papering over the cracks" with our eldest, she left home last summer to go into residential care. Previously we had done every course possible..piece of cake,relate, riding the storm,theraplay,parenting adopted teenagers. We had various input from ss over the years, some helpful, most not(I lost count of the times i phoned them in tears of desparation, pleading for help).It is only now that i realise how much she dominated our family due to her severe attachnent disorder through her chaotic early years.She has always sought innapropriate relationships often with older men and is always drawn to other very needy people and a dangerous lifestyle. It got to the point where our other two children were getting very distressed at the way she was treating us and her risky behaviour.Our one child kept apologising for the way her sister bullied me and in fact shared this with her teacher she was so upset.We were all so worried about our eldest and the impact on our family unit was destroying us all bit by bit. Eventually, she and us accepted that the relationship wasnt working for any of us. She was unhappy and surviving on conflict. we were hanging on by a thread with our health and marriage and our other two children.Even extended family members were being affected by it. So,we made "THE CALL"... suddenly ss jumped up and took notice and of course as usual tried to fob us off but we stuck to our guns for us and our daughters sake and 6 wks later she moved to a residential home about 30 mins from us.(just to try to illustrate her attachment issues with us..when the day came for us to take her to the residential home, she insisted on going to school in the morning and for us to pick her up from a supermarket carpark with her case in the car)which I found heartbreaking. In the 6 wks before she left she spoke openly with us about her feelings and said she wanted to move,thanking us for the 9 good years we had given her but that she had never thought of us as her parents and that she was ready to move on. The relief was huge and still is although guilt is starting to take over now and i am feeling a failure because we couldnt rescue her, but my GP has been fantastic pointing out that i was one step from a breakdown and family and friends are all remarking at how much better we all look and how the atmosphere in our home has changed. we still see our daughter regularly..we now have a few positive hours a week with her rather than constant conflict.She still attends the same school, where she sees her sisters daily and she is doing extremely well and has applied to go to a local college. One thought is that we have "set her free" she couldnt cope in a family situation but is thriving in her new home and she likes the "superficial environment and relationships" there because she doesnt have to try to attach to anyone. She really is ok. She recently contacted birth mother through fb which didn`t really come as a suprise but is another huge chapter we are trying t support her through. Although this was never what we imagined for our family I know that we truely did all we could to make it work and she knows this and that we are always there for her just from a distance which she feels more comfortable with.I just wanted to share our story, thanks for reading.
jmk
February 26, 2013 16:13
Wow you have been through the mill, but you musn't feel guilty, you did your best and cared for her and kept her safe for 10 years under enormous strain. A lot of people wouldn't have coped with that.You might be better re-posting this on the "Older Adoptees" Board as there are a lot of people on there whose children are in the same situation and you will get loads of support from those who are going through/have gone through this too.
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abbasue11
February 27, 2013 06:25
thankyou for your kind words i dont know how to repost this onto the "older adoptees" board but yes i think that would be a good idea.
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jmk
February 27, 2013 14:09
If you copy and paste it you could re-post it that way without having to type it all out again.There are a lot of adopters on the older Adoptees Board who are going through similar with their children and parenting from a distance.
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Together
February 27, 2013 15:50
Dear abbasuell,I adopted my son when he was six and he is now 26 years. From his placement to now , parenting my son is hard work but I am glad to have adopted him . My son went down a similiar route like your daughter . At the age of 16 he left home suddenly. He had befriend a school friend and decided to move in with them. Unfortunaly this friend family had a complicated set up. When this happen, my emotions were in turmoil, glad he was no more living at home , terribly guilty that I was not a good mum, very sad that my little boy has left home . I could not go into his room for 2 months . Over the years he got into trouble of varies types . He also moved in and out of varies types of lodgings and even had the experience of been homeless . One thing I did was kept in contact with him, finance and visited him. Through trial and error I continue the nuture him . It is only recently that when we do meet , we enjoy our time together . Even then I do not take this situation for granted . One things I do learnt, is living a part has given me the breathing space to gather my energy to support and guide my son . If we had lived under the same roof , I suspect we will be at each other 24/7 . I will do anything to help my son to move forward but one thing I will also do is not allow his destructive behaviour overflow into my life .
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abbasue11
February 28, 2013 07:21
hello and thankyou for your reply. i could relate to a lot of your situation and Im glad that you still have a relationship with your son. I will never abandon my daughter and will always love her..these are two facts that she knows. I know she has appreciated our acceptance of her newfound "relationship" with her bm (we always stress that there is room for us all in her life, she never has to choose). It was interesting that your son moved in with a friends family. Our daughter is like that..any whiff of a sleepover, she is there. Quite often this would be a "friend" she had only met that day. She is "all or nothing" in relationships..often totally flooding a new friend and begging to go on holiday etc with them and their family..yet ending it just as quick when someone new comes along. Always wanting to join another family yet never giving anything of herself to us, her own family. The condition of attachment disorder is chronic, ongoing, always there, sometimes turning to acute when a trigger arises. It should not be underestimated because I think, for some people like my daughter it can be disabling as she struggles to form healthy relationships. Interestingly, she herself has recognised this and it is something we talk about quite openly. Like yourself, I continue to love,support,encourage and nurture from a distance.I`m so proud of her.
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Pear Tree
February 28, 2013 07:36
Good morning abbasue Thank you for your postI've got 3 children- 2 of them teen adoptees and also about 10/11 yrs in3 yrs ago now our middle child then 12 moved to a therapeutic community as her needs became too much to manage safely at home as her increasingly disturbed behaviour was extreme Due to complex early traumaShe's been in 3 placements since thenWe do 'parenting from a distance'She's now 15, she has just been involved in a serious event with horrific ramifications for all of usWe see her often and have found the pain of loosing her hugeBut she couldn't be managed hereAnd that decision was the right oneSeveral people on here have made the decisions you have in similar circumstances We all support one another and tend to post on the older adoptees sectionWelcome to the auk community
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abbasue11
February 28, 2013 10:04
Hello Peartree, Thankyou for your reply..Your kind words mean a lot and its also comforting in a strange way to hear that we are not unusual in our situation. Like you, it got to the stage with our daughter that it was her leave or have a total family breakdown and then how would that have affected the other two? I am very sad that it came to this but I dont regret it, as I said before the overwhelming feeling for me is relief that I dont have to live like that anymore..constantly in "fight or flight" mode. My daughter is 16 next month and I believe still befriends inappropriate people and leads a risky lifestyle whenever she can. In fact, I dont think there is much she will experiment with as a young adult that she hasnt already sampled as a young teen. Very sad because this is all down to her extreme vulnerability which of course she cant see herself. Anyway, warm wishes to you and your family.
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Garuda
March 1, 2013 07:04
Sometimes it is the letting go that takes the greatest courage and demonstrates our commitment to them more than the holding on.
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bt
March 2, 2013 12:58
abbasue11, I think I am finding myself in the same situation and it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one (though I know of others whose children have had to go to foster care or more secure homes because of issues, I haven't spoken to many where the child has gone to assisted living). Social Services are about to explore alternatives to Miss X living here - asking family members etc, but I suspect and indeed hope that they say no. That will mean some kind of assisted living. I obviously still want to be her mum, want to support her but don't feel like I can live under the same roof any more. I feel like a bit of fraud when I hear what others live with but I just can not do it - or maybe my life is that bad but I have normalised it. In either case, SS seem to be taking it very seriously so it must be bad - right?
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nancydanfan
March 2, 2013 14:07
thankyou so much for your post abbasue11.I can relate so much to what you are saying and have been through.Our dd was the same age as yours when she came to us.I had never thought we were papering over the cracks, but that is exactly how it feels now, as if we were containing the problem.Our dd enters relationships too easily and dumps people who challenge her behaviour, but when someone is in her favour they will feel so special. Unlike yours though, my dd told me I had completely ruined her life even though at times she has said she loves me, we have hugged and I have supported her emotionally, educationally, etc.It is sad that so many of us go through this, but there is comfort in the shared experience and your story gives me hope and helps me with the feelings I have.
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abbasue11
March 3, 2013 11:15
Dear bt,thankyou for your post, Hello to you. Prior to my ad leaving our home she lived between my mum and us for 9 mnths. my mum is in her 70s and after seeing ss not helping and me become a shadow of my former self, was desperately trying to help by "keeping our family together". Although this provided much needed respite at the time it also caused a lot of tension between all the adults involved because of course my daughter very quickly started to play one off against the other.eg, when we went round to visit, my daughter would totally blank me but physically smother my mum with kisses and cuddles, whilst all the time looking at me. Petty, i know but upsetting.I knew she was still up to her tricks and felt that she often took advantage of my mum who was more naive than me and didnt always realise that she was being lied to and deceived,which bothered me a lot.When we made the call to ss it was suggested on numerous occasions that my daughter move in with my mum permanently. A thought that horrified me and put my mum in a very unfair position. We had lenghty chats with my mum and i know that deep down she knew it wasnt the answer and in the long term wouldnt have helped our daughter in anyway.It also would have affected everyones relationship and role within the family.So, we stuck it out and my daughter does occasionally stay at my mums now but my mum can only manage 2 nights at the most! So what i guess Im trying to say is that we sat down and had an honest chat with my mum and i think you should try to do the same with your family members who may be asked to accommadate Miss x and be totally honest with them (and them with you) and ss about how you feel and how you think this will impact on your extended family. I know, from our experience that we found it much more difficult to "parent from a distance" when "the distance" was with a family member.I feel that at the moment we are making better decisions with my daughter because the amount of emotional involvement is minimal, thus making it clearer to see and where possible meet her needs. Also, in answer to your question.."it must be bad- right?" Yes, it very probably is! At times, now that we have regrouped and I`m feeling so much better i have looked back and thought "was it really that bad? that we had to come to this?" I just have to look at photos of us, read my journal that I kept, or ask close friends, my gp or family members and the answer is Yes, very sadly, it really was that bad!
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bt
March 3, 2013 17:04
thanks abbasue11, I too feel it could destroy my relationship with my mum if she were to live there - don't think my sister will have her but that may be slightly easier somehow.
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Together
March 3, 2013 18:13
Dear bt,What you had shared has help me to feel less inadequate.Thank for that .I would like to say to you , try not to blame yourself but I know this words will not totally erase your feelings because I have been there myself and still have this negative feelings occasionally . As adopters all we can do is to try to find ways of nuturing our adopted children and prepare them for the world. Like birth parent sometimes we get it wrong but many times we get it right. Getting it right does not mean we will get the right responds from our child immediately or ever. In my case, to nuture my son I have used ways which may shock some people. The short story is my son had been helped by my mother in law , friends , assisted housing , living in private accomadation , homeless hostel and living on the streets. From the age of 16 - 20 I paid for these accomadation . Between 20- 24 I help partially and gave the rent to him directly which was a big mistakes. He never paid the rent.Al these time he does work and got into trouble with the law . Eventually I tried shell shock therapy. He became homeless I took him to the salvation army hostel for the homeless. On week ends I visted him and took him out for meals. Things got worst he was kick out of the home . Then I found out he fraudently with drew money from an account I kept for him . In desperation I told him , he can't call me except for emergency . To keep contact I call him and visit him. He went mad and refused to see me. Instead he would phoned up and was verbally abusive . When he did that I put the phone down .the next stage was he refused to except my call for 12 months , then suddenly one day , he pick up thmy call. We re- estblish , I can go on on but I shan't . All I can say things has improved but he does needs more support then an average 26.Nowadays , he calls to ask me if I am ok and seems to have some realisation I did try to give him a good childhood. P.S Last week I gave him the file with information of tasks he had achieved before he left home. Also an album of his happier days . Hope sharing this helps .
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abbasue11
March 3, 2013 21:55
Dear nancydanfan, thankyou for your post. Our daughters do sound similar the way they form close relationships with virtual, often risky, strangers. I find this so hard because I know how vulnerable she really is yet gives the impression that she is worldly wise, tough and oh so very popular!! ( I fear, all for the wrong reasons). I found it interesting that you said your daughter dumps people who challenge her..that too sounds very familiar. My daughter continually blows hot and cold with me and i still bear the brunt of all her deep anger, however the difference now that she doesn`t live here, is that if she starts to become confrontational or abusive I calmly say my goodbye and that I love her and will speak with her another time and hang up. Since posting our story i have been overwhelmed with the support from other adopters. Thankyou all for making me realise that we were not the only ones and that it is nothing to be embarassed about.
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abbasue11
March 3, 2013 22:13
Dear together, you have undoubtedly given your son everything you possibly could, it must have taken tremendous strength and determination to keep that momentum going over the years and constantly showing him how much you love and care for him. The fact that he now calls to ask if you are ok, speaks volumes. You did good. Kind regards.
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Together
March 4, 2013 16:52
Dear abbasue11, Thank-you for your message and to every one who has join in.I have only joined UK adoption recently. Since joining and finding this forum it has given me an internal strength . Abbasue11, it sounds like my son's behaviour maybe similiar to your daughter . In the past when I do meet or chat to him , it would start off been polite , then he will be grumpy , confrontaional. With occasions of been aggressiveness . Like you, when my son is been nasty to me , I tell him what is upsetting me. Also remind him bad behaviour will not get things resolve nor can we enjoy each other's company. If he continues ,I then bid goodbye and tell him I love him . When we do speak or meet next time , I do not go over what had previously happen . Instead I deal with now and then For years this went on. I had to be the one with the consistant civil behaviour. There were times i felt emotionally and physically drain. To compound things I was also witnessing family friends children were growing up, going to collages , university. There were times I felt like walking away from it all but my maternal instinct stop me. On a brighter note I had also got encouragement and tips from people , social workers .Although his behaviour has now much improve , I haven't got the confidence that it will continue to get better but I do hope it will . Bye for now .
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