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Our SW only ever gave us profiles of children she felt were right for us and only ever one at a time. We had to say no to move on to another. You sound like you are seeing too many and this cannot be right. Speak to your SW about how to do this part because you will get in a muddle otherwise. I think we saw 4 profiles in total. Two of them were definite "no's". One fell through before matching panel (massive disappointment), and the last was sort of a protective "OK maybe", but reticent and we didn't get the feeling "this is the one", but we kept reading more and seeing more and couldn't find a reason to say no. We didn't like her picture very much but then I am so glad we didn't turn her down on a picture because she has been with us for a few years and she is so gorgeous and I love her so much. I would say for now - when you read something that you know you cannot deal with, put that profile away and don't go back to it. The ones that are "maybes" go back over and keep reading working out if there are hidden questions, information missing. Something not quite right. Go back to your list that you made with your SW about what you would be prepared to accept and what would be a definite "NO". And of course, trust your instincts.

Thanks spring chick - I have had 2 profiles already today so that makes 6 in less than a week and we are indeed getting muddled!Our sw says it's fine to look at more than one at this early stage but it feels like there are so many that we don't give each one due consideration...I wonder how other people's sws have approached it? I might have to call a halt until we have processed the ones we've got!

Do they really all fit your criteria? Or are you trying to consider every one? We found ourselves poring over profiles our sw gave us where really the child did not fit our criteria - ultimately we rejected these so it was a waste of time and emotional energy. With our second child it was a case of her not being wrong, rather than being the right one. We had been involved in a few possible links and read a lot more, and it felt like we would never get there otherwise. It all worked out - she has been with us for 6 years.now.

HiJust following on from this question-we were approved 6 weeks ago but since there are no suitable children available in our LA we have been told that we have to wait 6 months before we can be placed on the national register.is this everyone's experience and how did you manage to wait??ThanksTabby

Hi TabbyMy understanding is that they have to put you in the register after 3 months of approval... we were a bit longer but that was our choice.http://www.adoptionregister.org.uk/site/page.aspx?pid=36I would wait until the 3 months have passed and then ask your sw to put you on... if they won't then you can refer yourself buy they will seek approval from your agency... good luck

Thanks very much annie, these six weeks have dragged on.....

We were approved in April and now approaching matching panel for 2 LO's. We subscribed long before we were approved to Children who wait and Be my Parent, so I was looking all the time at profiles of children on these two websites. However it was only a few I felt strongly enough towards to ask our Social worker to request their CPR ( child's permanence report)Our SW also emailed us profiles she came across that she thought we would be a good match for. To much choice is not good though as you get to a stage where you think what if the next child is 'better' for us....and ultimately you have to go with all the factors that are important to you, e.g. age, gender, background, history, and be really honest about what it is you want and can offer. I

sent to quickly.....I Meant to end by saying in the end we found the two LO's we hope to be matched to ourselves on one of the websites....I felt much happier being the one searching rather than our SW. Good luck!

Hi Annie,We were approved via a VA and from a week after we were approved it was exceptionally clear to us that no one was going to be family finding for us and from that point on "family finding" was absolutely "owned" by us and us alone.We signed up to BMP and CWW the night we were approved and got straight on to looking at profiles etc. Then we made ALL of the initial contacts with SW's, we made our own profile / flyer to send out to Children's SW's and we did our own chase ups. The only time we ever had to ask our SW to do things were in the instances were SW's refused to liaise directly with prospective adopters (this happened around 25% of the time). We found it helped to design a simple database where we entered basic info of each child and the SW's details, along with planned chase up dates so we always knew where we were at. Family Finding actually became a full time job (on top our actual full time jobs!) and it just became our daily routine, every night we sat and went through more profiles, sent more chase up emails and made more enquiries. On top of all that we attended exchange events and an Adoption Activity Day (it was at an exchange event that we found Little Bear). Although at that exchange event alone, we were given 71 profiles!!! We didn't ask for all of those, but they were mysteriously added to (by SW's and FF's) as we went round!Little Bear's profile just hit us head on as we approached the stall she was being "advertised" on. With piercing blue eyes just like my OH strangely enough, we just melted at her. Little Bear's profile stuck in our mind at stayed on the very top of that stack of 71 profiles, every day we would glance at it and in the end we just knew we had to enquire and the rest as they say is history! We did feel connections to a few others, one LO in particular and we were devastated when we were told we weren't being considered after months of them stringing us along (without them even reading our PAR) but we put it down to us just feeling that way as that LO was the first one we ever enquired about. Funnily enough as irony would have it, on the day we had our first visit from Little Bear's SW and FF, our SW let it slip that the SW of that first LO had been in touch saying he was mightily keen on pursuing us a link!!! But it was all too late by then, Little Bear had captured our hearts and we absolutely sold on her - and absolutely no regrets! We couldn't be happier! I think you have to follow your gut instinct and trust yourselves and be very honest with each other, deep down you know what you can and cannot consider in a match - you have to keep that in mind as you "shortlist" and that should help, try not to get too attached to each and every child, otherwise it becomes too emotional and difficult. We had to quickly adapt to this way of thinking after first seeing a CWW and BMP magazine - it was heart wrenching!Sorry for the long post, but hope our experiences help in some way?! Good Luck with everything xxx

Thanks so much Milly, Mudlark and mummybears for your replies - very helpful to know others experiences.The 2 we have felt drawn to in the past have been through CWW and one current one we are waiting for the sw to get back to us on - I too feel happier being our own FF - I am a control freak after all!We are going to an adoption day soon (hope we don't get 71 profiles but it's helpful to know that FFs and SWs do hand them out with such abundance!) so hopefully something may come of that.The spreadsheet idea - I can't believe I hadn't thought of that - I usually have one for everything! I guess it just seems really clinical but maybe necessary... I feel torn between wanting to properly consider even the ones who don't strike us straight away and knowing that we should let them know asap so they can keep looking - but I guess in reality we will be one of tens of couples they send the profile to?Thanks again - I am off to make a spreadsheet and look back at our matching profile so I can become less muddled!

Lol, we sound quite similar! I like to at least feel I have some control and that's why Family Finding helped us really. The database was such a help and kept everything in one place for us to keep track of Good Luck with it all and Happy Database Making! xx

Like Milly, with our LO it was about it not feeling wrong, or that we felt we could meet her needs, rather than it being 'yes she is definitely the one'. We really liked the sound of her, but it wasn't a case for falling for her in that sense - in fact we didn't even see a photo of her until after we had been formally linked after a competitive matching process, and were awaiting matching panel (that's the way our particular LA works). So for us it was more of a slow burn. We waited 9 months post approval (which felt like 9 years!) and saw lots of CPRs, some via out SW and some from an exchange day. I was very proactive. We lost out on two previous links before being matched with LO - and it is a good match. She's gorgeous.

We saw 13 profiles within about 2 weeks and we are bit overwhelmed but we're also hesitant to say that to our social worker. We enquired about 2 initially (separately) and both came back with lots of complex needs that were not outlined within the profile and didn't meet our matching considerations. So sadly we didn't proceed. That taught us to be guarded so when we saw our little pinks profile we didn't get that overwhelming feeling of love etc, but we did want to know more. We enquired for more information on her and a couple of others, all the while still saying no to others. When we got the cpr those feelings suddenly rushed in and then we knew she was the one. Hope it happens for you soon

Although I can see why people would think they're more comfortable family finding for themselves, I would just bear in mind that the children in CWW and BMP are often the ones considered more difficult to place. In addition, adopting from out of area brings its own concerns with access to PAS etc.I decided not.to go down that route. I therefore waited nine months with no sniff of a match but the first potential link my SW showed me is snuggled up in bed next to me now and couldn't be a better match. The access to information has been phenomenal because I have been able to speak to all the professionals involved and I never felt like anything was being hidden.

I don't think you can be totally certain-you find out all you can and in the end take a leap of faith.

The only way you could ever be really certain in this process is by being completely honest with yourself about what you feel you can deal with as a parent. Disabilities, behaviours, abuse history etc, we've all been asked the same thing what do you think you could or couldn't deal with. There's no shame in saying there are things you couldn't cope with. It all depends on your own lifestyle at first I suppose and your sw will select children who meet your particular search criteria. We probably all feel we would love to take any child as they are all needing a family but it just isn't always the case and if you don't narrow down your choices you could be waiting forever.

Hi there. The phrase "the right child" jumped out at me from your post plus the title "the one". It seems perhaps there are 2 different types of adopters, perhaps like those who have the same view on a partner relationship. Those who think there is "the one" and those who think they could parent (or be with) many or certainly more than one and it is about commitment, shared experiences etc.I think you can tie yourself in knots by waiting for a thunder bolt and it will really depend on whether you think this is the appropriate feeling or not. I saw at least one person say on here in the past, "sometimes it has to simply not be a no". I agree with this statement personally. Everyone will feel differently about it morally though. We all so know where you are right now and it is ridiculous the pressure of "getting it right". The reality is that whatever research you do, whatever boxes you tick on the form, photos, dvd etc it is entirely a leap of faith with any child and you make a commitment to them. With us, we said in advance that we thought we should be making the decision with 70% head and 30% heart. It is extremely early days so no one knows what will happen but it feels as right as I could imagine. That could easily be luck rather than judgement plus wanting to make it work. I am sure there will be others who come along and say it's all about the thunderbolt. We are all different. Perhaps take the pressure off and don't expect "the one" but "one" that needs a home, who on paper (and it all could change) you feel you could meet the needs of and you don't feel a "no" too. In the end, I felt a sense of what will be, will be. A lot of energy is taken up going round in circles but of course that is natural - it is beyond huge. All the best.

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice...Kstar - agree about support being more forthcoming in own area but we have been told there are no suitable children coming through so we need to go National... we would love to reply on our SW but we have some concerns in the past that she just doesn't 'get us' and so it's hard to trust her judgement completely...nancydanfan - yes, of course, I guess there will always be niggles but in the end it's a matter of being ready and / or willing at least to accept whatever life brings!wee me - thanks - your comments helped me to re-focus my brain - sometimes it can feel that we are being selfish by saying no but thinking about the consequences of taking on a child we could not cope with are worse than saying no at the outset...Changeisafoot - maybe I came across as needing a thunderbolt - I am not sure that's exactly what I meant (OH and I spent the first 6 years of our relationship thinking it wouldn't last forever but we have grown into each other and been together 16 years now - that was no thunderbolt!!!) I guess it was more about how to choose between so many different children who would each bring their own challenges and how to know what fits your family / what your family could change to fit around... we are quite pragmatic about it but we do also want to feel an emotional pull of some sort.So anyway, we have looked at all 10 profiles and made a 'yes', 'no' and 'maybe' pile. Then we realised that there was little point in having a maybe pile and reorganised into 'yes' and 'no'! We have asked for more information about 2 children and hope to have more info. next week... sorry for the long post but huge thanks for the support and advice