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Hi

We took our then 3 year old to visit elderly grandparents when he had been with us for 2 months. This involved a long journey and overnight stay. We planned it so the trip included a visit to Grandparents but we didn’t stay with them as I think it would have been too much for our son. We got a close by cottage and it was just the three of us for most of the trip.

It was hard for our family to understand as they wanted to invite everyone over to meet little one and also wanted to do a buffet, have us eating with them etc. Instead we did all of our meals at the holiday home with several short visits to Grandparents.

It worked ok. At the end of the last visit to Grandparents when we got up to leave he burst into tears as he thought he was staying there. After that we remembered to do lots of reassurance and talk lots about what we’d do together when we were back at home.

How old is your daughter?

Hi Sparklemotion

She is four and obviously not staying with grandmother as she is in a home and we stay at her house whichwe still have it would go to a hotel.

What exactly are your sws concerns? Meeting a new person, an overnight away, a combination?

Can you put a plan together for the meeting. Hubby goes in alone at first to check that his mum is up to it and having a reasonable day? Will she overwhelm your daughter? I still remember my great grandmother and having to kiss her ... I didn’t like it as a child so maybe be aware of boundaries, personal space etc.

Might it be better to stay in a hotel - so lo doesn’t confuse it with another move to another home? Take her favourite things with you - her bedding possibly so everything is familiar to her,

Share pictures of gm with her beforehand and explain that she’s not well - obviously in simple terms.

Have an escape plan if things become awkward and/or your lo becomes upset or scared.

Maybe if you can demonstrate to sw that you have considered areas that might be tricky for you all - including lo seeing her dad getting upset - she may feel a little more comfortable?

Hi Donatella

Social worker says that we still have not maintained a co distant bed timroutine with her and feels she needs more the to attach with us. Yes we did consider a hotel but it's a definite no from her ?

We were only going to have a brief meeting in the park nothing overwhelming !

I have to say I agree with your SW. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

We took ours away about four months in and it was a disaster - another change was just too much for them to deal with and they were scared they might not come home again...and that was with loads of preparation, photos etc.

I also wonder what the purpose of the visit it - if your MIL is seriously ill with dementia then she is unlikely to remember the visit and without an ongoing relationship, your AD is unlikely to either - so why go at all? I guess its for your DH and maybe to get photos of them together - but to do that involves a lot of disruption for your AD and meeting a sick elderly person may even be quite frightening for her.

I'd suggest that your DH goes to visit her without you this time and maybe Skypes you with his Mum....or you make it a day visit (100 miles each way, unless its very rural, is quite easily doable in a day).

Hope you can find a way to do something that works for you all

Hi Bop

When you went away was it to visit a relative? She is not really sick just dementia . Also skyping is hopeless as she has dementia with communication problems. 100 miles in a day is a lot particually if you factor in traffic plus with a little one a bit much !

I think it all depends on the child to be honest and the attachment. Do they get disrupted if their routine is changed or meet new people?

We've had our 2 for 6 months and have had several nights away and a holiday for a week. We did lots of explaining before that they were going away, what we were going to do, if we were going to meet anyone and the kids have been great. If anything it was me who had the issues. We were advised not to go away for a year at our planning meeting. Most of those have been to grandma, nana or aunties that they've met before, but obviously the holiday was to somewhere completely new. Could you do some overnight stays with people they've already met to get them used to the idea of going away for a night and then coming home?

There are lots of things we were advised to do, like set the table for the return meal, have a two part toy and bury one at home so its a game when you get home to get the second part out. We were advised to take our intro video with or pictures of the house to remind them where home is if they got disrupted.

I agree that if it you think its going to be detrimental to your daughter then you should postpone, but even after 3 months you'll have a pretty good idea of what your daughter can handle. You may be wrong if you decide to go ahead with it and for some people it's the worst choice they could have made in the first year. We've been lucky and its been fine.

We have a wonderful social worker but very textbook and errs on the side of caution. We have a holiday house about an hours drive away and we took them up for the weekend 3 months in and she was horrified! Now before we did that we were able to do lots of preparation, we visited for a few day visits first before we did the overnights and we took their bedding with us etc.

Then 6 months in we took them for on a short flight within the UK for one night in preparation for a longer planned holiday a few months later. Our social worker was still horrified and felt it was too early. The children’s social worker thought it was a good idea so we went. Now we were prepared to the hilt - I made a social story book of the whole journey and trip so they knew what to expect. we stayed in a premier inn which are all very similar in layout, interiors and even smell. So about a week before we were due to go we booked a cheap one night room (£29) in our local premier inn so they got the feel for the hotel and if it was not working we could easily come home. When we arrived at the hotel the week later they were very familiar with it already and quite comfortable.

i wonder if you feel it is something you would like to do could you do a local try night, you will get a feel for how she copes and if she is really not you just pack up and go home with very little lost. You will know then not to attempt the longer trip.

Hi. Just to share a positive experience. In our case our boys (2 and 3 years old) went on holiday with us in the UK (by car) 2 months after being placed with us. We were away for 1 week. We then took them abroad (by plane) 3 months after being placed with us. The purpose of the trip was to introduce them to our extended family. We spent a whole week abroad. This was followed by two other trips abroad with family a couple of months after that in summer (one for 1 week and another for 2 weeks). They absolutely loved it and it really helped to solidify our bond as a family. We prepared them in advance for the trips and arranged lots of fun things to do. We now have great memories of our first year together, including lots of videos and photos.

Before getting the adoption order, our social worker allowed us to take our boys on holiday anywhere in the UK without seeking her permission (we just had to inform her in advance) and abroad with her permission. But we adopted two very easy-going boys who settled really well with us.